A big thank you to everyone here.
Went to Canada's answer to Harbour Freight and just installed this 1/4" valve https://www.princessauto.com/en/1-4-...t/PA0008477606. Way easier to install than the three male threaded connectors, the two 90-degree elbows and the ball-valve I'd originally bought.
Now draining that tank is WAY easier than the little OEM unit.
And, wow, was that A LOT of rusty, evil-looking water that came spewing out...