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Thread: Tell us a CLEAN joke!

  1. #61
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    531
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

    - On Sears hair dryer: ====Do not use while sleeping.

    - On a bag of Fritos: ====You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

    - On a bar of Dial soap: ====Directions: Use like regular soap.

    - Some Swann frozen dinners ====Serving suggestion: Defrost.

    - On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: ====Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

    - On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: ====Product will be hot after heating

    - On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: ====Do not iron clothes on body

    - On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine ====Do not drive car or operate machinery

    - On Nytol (a sleep aid): ====Warning: may cause drowsiness

    - On a kitchen knife: ====Warning: Keep out of children.

    - On a string of Christmas lights: ====For indoor or outdoor use only.

    - On Sainsbury's Peanuts ====Warning: contains nuts

    - On an American Airlines packet of nuts: ====Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

    - On a chainsaw: ====Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

    Last edited by Ed Aumiller; 11-24-2020 at 6:34 PM.

  2. #62
    They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    --------------------------
    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    -------------------------
    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
    --------------------------
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    -------------------------
    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    --------------------------
    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    --------------------------
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    --------------------------
    Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    --------------------------
    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    --------------------------
    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
    --------------------------
    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    --------------------------
    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------
    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
    --------------------------
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
    --------------------------
    Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    --------------------------
    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    --------------------------
    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    --------------------------
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    --------------------------
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
    --------------------------
    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    --------------------------
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------
    And this one just about sums them all up

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
    'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
    Best regards,

    Jim
    Lakeside, Oregon

  3. #63
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Longview WA
    Posts
    22,729
    Blog Entries
    1
    - On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: ====Do not iron clothes on body
    This may have come about due to an alleged incident in the early 1990s:

    Go back to 1990, when reports like this one from The Times appeared in newspapers across the country:

    "Smoltz received a slight burn on his right chest while trying to iron his shirt. Apparently, no one was around Sunday to suggest to Smoltz that he first take off the shirt. The result was five red, inch-long streaks below his Polo emblem."

    And this quote from Smoltz himself that appeared in the Atlanta Journal Constitution doesn't help his case:

    "I couldn't believe it. I've done it five or six times and never had that happen.”
    John Smoltz has denied this happened, wouldn't anybody?

    jtk
    "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

  4. #64
    Quote Originally Posted by Jim Allen View Post
    ...Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door...
    This one just cracked me up.
    "Anything seems possible when you don't know what you're doing."

  5. #65
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Medina Ohio
    Posts
    4,067
    First day of school and the teacher asks each kindergarten student their names all went good until a little girl stood up and tells the teacher my name is Happy Butt Smith. The teacher says no what is your name and the little girl say it is Happy butt Smith. The teacher says if you won’t tell me your real name I will have to take you to the principle. The little girl says my name is Happy Butt Smith. The teacher take the little girl to the principle and says this little girl won’t tell me her real name. so the principle asks her what is your name little girl. The little girl says I keep telling you my name is Happy Butt smith. The principle says I have a list of all the students in your class let me look. He goes down the list to Smith and says here it is her name is Gladys Smith. The little says Happy Butt Gladass what’s the difference.

  6. #66
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    1,989
    I have a COVID-19 joke but I don’t want you to get it.

  7. #67
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    531
    One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.

    As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.

    Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

    "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

    "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $26.50."

  8. #68
    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Aumiller View Post
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

    - On Sears hair dryer: ====Do not use while sleeping.

    - On a bag of Fritos: ====You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

    - On a bar of Dial soap: ====Directions: Use like regular soap.

    - Some Swann frozen dinners ====Serving suggestion: Defrost.

    - On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: ====Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

    - On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: ====Product will be hot after heating

    - On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: ====Do not iron clothes on body

    - On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine ====Do not drive car or operate machinery

    - On Nytol (a sleep aid): ====Warning: may cause drowsiness

    - On a kitchen knife: ====Warning: Keep out of children.

    - On a string of Christmas lights: ====For indoor or outdoor use only.

    - On Sainsbury's Peanuts ====Warning: contains nuts

    - On an American Airlines packet of nuts: ====Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

    - On a chainsaw: ====Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

    One of my favorites

    winch.jpg
    ========================================
    ELEVEN - rotary cutter tool machines
    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
    CASmate, Corel, Gravostyle


  9. #69
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Lebanon, TN
    Posts
    1,079
    Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
    Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in low flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.
    Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff letter of complaint to the RAF Liaison Office. By return came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

    "Thank you for your message, which now allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day"

  10. #70
    Guy goes into a bar and sets his dog on the bar.
    Bartender: "What's this?"
    Guy: "It's my dog."
    Bar: "But what's wrong with him?"
    Guy: "Oh, he was born with no legs."
    Bar: "Huh, What's his name?"
    Guy: "He doesn't have a name."
    Bar: "You're telling me that you have a dog with no legs and he doesn't even have a name!?"
    Guy: "Look, he can't come if you call him, anyway."
    "Anything seems possible when you don't know what you're doing."

  11. #71
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Northern Oregon
    Posts
    1,734
    Quote Originally Posted by andy bessette View Post
    Guy goes into a bar and sets his dog on the bar.
    Bartender: "What's this?"
    Guy: "It's my dog."
    Bar: "But what's wrong with him?"
    Guy: "Oh, he was born with no legs."
    Bar: "Huh, What's his name?"
    Guy: "He doesn't have a name."
    Bar: "You're telling me that you have a dog with no legs and he doesn't even have a name!?"
    Guy: "Look, he can't come if you call him, anyway."
    LOL thanks Andy
    "Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t - you’re right."
    - Henry Ford

  12. #72
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    531

    1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
    2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back
    3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
    4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
    5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
    6. Never answer an anonymous letter
    7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better
    8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it
    9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours
    10. Few women admit their age; few men act it
    11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
    12. No one is listening until you make a mistake
    13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else
    14. We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?
    15. He who laughs last thinks slowest
    16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes
    17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else
    18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
    19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't
    20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?


  13. #73
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Medina Ohio
    Posts
    4,067
    I man walks into a bar with an ugly yellow dog. Another guy comes in and sits down beside him and says that is the ugliest dog I ever saw. The yellow dog guy says yea but he is a scraper and can beat any dog here. The other guy says I have a real mean German Shepard that can take him. So they set up a match between the 2 dogs. The German Shepard rushed in and started going at it when all of a sudden all they could see is brown and black fur flying every where. The German Shepard took off with his tail between his legs his owner said well I never seen that before what kind of dog is that. The guy with the yellow dog said before I cut his tail off and painted him yellow he was an alligator

  14. #74
    15. We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?



    "What's a guy your age
    doing here with these kids?

    I'm lookin' for the fountain
    of middle age."

    -----Rodney D. in 'Back to School'


    "
    “I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job
    because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”"

    -----Bill Gates



    ========================================
    ELEVEN - rotary cutter tool machines
    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
    CASmate, Corel, Gravostyle


  15. #75
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    E TN, near Knoxville
    Posts
    10,229
    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Aumiller View Post
    No one is listening until you make a mistake
    Reminds me of my favorite definition of an expert: Someone who makes all his mistakes in private.

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