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Thread: Tell us a CLEAN joke!

  1. #106
    Daughter visits mom for the first time since her recent honeymoon. Mom is anxious to hear how it all went.
    Daughter: "Oh mom, up and down, up and down, in and out, in and out, all weekend long....... I'll never get another room next to an elevator."
    "Anything seems possible when you don't know what you're doing."

  2. #107
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Medina Ohio
    Posts
    4,089
    I daughter comes home from her honeymoon and after a couple of days she goes to her mother and said her husband had started to use those 4 letter words. Her mother said she never figured he would do that but the daughter said yes he does yesterday he asked me to cook, dust, wash and iron.

  3. #108
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    566
    An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

    "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

    "I don't care, just do something about these drivers."

    So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."

    So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

    Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

    The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better."

    He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going.

    "Did you put up your sign?"

    "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

    The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

    So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

  4. #109
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Medina Ohio
    Posts
    4,089
    Tonto and the Lone Ranger were camping out in the desert when Tonto wakes up and rolls over and wake The Lone Ranger up. He asks Kemo Sabe look up and tell me what you see. The Lone Ranger looks up and says I see the stars the moon and a few clouds. Tonto then asks him what does that mean and The lone Ranger says I guess it is that we are just a small parrt of this universe. Tonto looks at him and says you dumb A$$ it means someone stole our tent

  5. #110
    A bunch of one liners:

    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local YMCA's swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

    Changed my password to "incorrect" so when I forget it, computer says "Your password is incorrect."


    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

    Take my advice — I'm not using it.

    My wife and I were happy for twenty five years; then we met.


    I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

    Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

    Every time someone comes up with a fool proof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

    I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.


    Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

    Harry Truman said that behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

    If you keep both feet firmly planted on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


    When I married Miss Wright, I had no idea her first name was Always.

    My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test -- the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

    There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.


    Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

    Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.


    I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    My favorite along this line is that if at first you don’t succeed, chances are you never will.

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

    If tomatoes are technically a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?

    Money is the root of all wealth.


    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    Best regards,

    Jim
    Lakeside, Oregon

  6. #111
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Modesto, CA, USA
    Posts
    5,609
    What do you call a person with no body and no nose......
    Nobody knows.
    Bill D

  7. #112
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Longview WA
    Posts
    22,988
    Blog Entries
    1
    Okay Bill, How do you keep a fish from smelling?









    Keep scrolling…









    Keep scrolling…






    You cut off its nose.
    "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

  8. #113
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    566
    A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

    The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

    "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

    The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

    "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

    "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

    "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

    The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

  9. #114
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    New Westminster BC
    Posts
    1,646
    That reminds me of another lumberjack joke. Again a skinny little guy applies for the job and convinces the foreman to give him a chance. He's issued a chainsaw and told he must cut 20 trees a day. Off he goes at sunup and finally returns at sundown. How many trees did you cut asks the foreman? I could only cut 10 but give me another chance I'll try harder tomorrow. OK says the foreman but if you can't meet the quota I gotta let you go. Next day he's out before sunup and back after sundown. Again the foreman asks, how many? The guy responds 15 and again says I'll try harder if you give me another chance. Reluctantly the foreman says yes and this time he gets up early to see him off. Before you go the foreman says let me check your chainsaw, hate to blame you if I gave you a bumb saw. He checks the chain, it's sharp and the tension is right, checks the gas tank, it's full. Gives the rope a pull and it starts immediately and roars to life.

    How many of you know the next line?


    Scroll down.





    What's that noise cries the skinny guy?

  10. #115
    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    .

    .

    .


    The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


    (You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
    ========================================
    ELEVEN - rotary cutter tool machines
    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
    CASmate, Corel, Gravostyle


  11. #116
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Michiana
    Posts
    2,057
    I have a super power. Whenever I watch a movie with dinosaurs, I can always tell which ones are fake.
    Sharp solves all manner of problems.

  12. #117
    78 yr old woman sees the new, young Dr in the practice. 5 minutes later she runs out screaming "no, its impossible!!".

    When the older Dr finds out, he confronts the young Dr asking "why in the world did you tell that woman she was pregant?"

    As he's writing in the chart, he replies with a grin "she doesn't have the hiccups anymore, does she."

  13. All these darn virus restrictions. The Governor finally said I could have a gathering of ten people without issues. If I only knew ten people without issues........

  14. #119
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,895
    Quote Originally Posted by Perry Hilbert Jr View Post
    All these darn virus restrictions. The Governor finally said I could have a gathering of ten people without issues. If I only knew ten people without issues........
    OMG! Where is the like button!

  15. #120
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    E TN, near Knoxville
    Posts
    10,507

    The Assistant to the Hunchback Of Notre Dame

    This is the sad tale of an assistant to Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, and as it turns out, his brother. (This is one of my 2-part jokes, not exactly a one-liner. )


    Quasimodo, as you may know, worked in the Notre Dame cathedral ringing the bells in the tower.
    One day he asked the Archdeacon if he would hire a assistant to help him since the work was so hard, especially with his disability.
    A few days later Quas (as we called him) was in the tower mopping the floor when he heard someone climb the steps and enter the room.
    Quas came close and peered at the men in surprise: The man had no arms.

    Quas asked, "Who are you?"
    The guy said cheerfully, "I'm your new assistant, if you'll have me!"
    Quas said, "You won't do! You have no arms, you can't ring the bell!"
    The poor guy pleaded, "Oh sir, give me a chance, please. I have a wife and two little kids at home and with no arms it is so hard to find work. Please give me a chance!"
    Well, Quas was nothing if not kindhearted so he pointed to the largest bell, "OK, if you can ring this bell you can have the job."

    The guy was so excited. He backed up way across the tower floor, got ready, and ran across the room and smashed his face into the bell! Dong! dong! Dong!
    Quas went over and helped the guy to his feet, face bloody, front teeth missing. "OK, that was impressive! But you can't possibly do that more than once!"
    "Oh please sir," said the man, "let me show you. Oh please, I beg you."
    "Ok," sighed Quas, "if you can do that again you have the job."
    The guy gleefully repeated the performance and rang the bell again with his face. But, gasp, this time he slipped on the floor and went tumbling out the window of the bell tower!!
    Quas looked out the window and saw the man on the ground far below.

    Quas slowly shuffled down the stairs. By the time he got out to the courtyard there was a circle of people looking at the broken body on the ground.
    One asked quietly, "Who was that man?"
    Quas said "Sorry, I didn't catch his name, but his face sure rings a bell."


    The very next day...

    Quas was again in the bell tower, slowly cleaning the big bell when he again heard someone climb the stairs.
    When a man entered the bell room Quas looked at him in shock, "WHO are YOU?" This guy looked exactly like the other guy - and amazingly, he TOO had no arms!

    The new guy sounded desperate, "Kind sir, my twin brother was here yesterday for the job. But after his accident I am left to care for not only his family but my own. Oh please Sir, I really need this job, please, please."
    Well, to make a long story a bit shorter the same thing happened to him as to his brother - the guy rang the bell with is face then somehow fell out the window the second time.

    Once again, by the time Quas made it down to the courtyard there was another ring of people looking sadly down at the poor, broken body on the ground.
    One of them asked, "Does anyone know who that man was?"
    Quas said, "Well I don't know his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother..."


    (OK I'll quit now!! BTW, I heard the first part long ago but changed it a bit and made up the second part.
    I've been telling this for maybe 50 years now, on the rare occasion I find someone who will stay long enough to listen! It's gotten plenty of groans...)


    JKJ

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