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Thread: Tell us a CLEAN joke!

  1. #121
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    I've been telling this for maybe 50 years now, on the rare occasion I find someone who will stay long enough to listen! It's gotten plenty of groans...)
    There are some old salty dog jokes that just do not bear repeating.

    Siberian Peach Pie

    Watch for Falling Rock

    Are two that come to mind.

    My philosophy on groaners is the shorter the tale the deeper the groan.

    jtk
    "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

  2. #122
    Quote Originally Posted by John K Jordan View Post
    This is the sad tale of an assistant to Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, and as it turns out, his brother. (This is one of my 2-part jokes, not exactly a one-liner. )


    Quasimodo, as you may know, worked in the Notre Dame cathedral ringing the bells in the tower.
    One day he asked the Archdeacon if he would hire a assistant to help him since the work was so hard, especially with his disability.
    A few days later Quas (as we called him) was in the tower mopping the floor when he heard someone climb the steps and enter the room.
    Quas came close and peered at the men in surprise: The man had no arms.

    Quas asked, "Who are you?"
    The guy said cheerfully, "I'm your new assistant, if you'll have me!"
    Quas said, "You won't do! You have no arms, you can't ring the bell!"
    The poor guy pleaded, "Oh sir, give me a chance, please. I have a wife and two little kids at home and with no arms it is so hard to find work. Please give me a chance!"
    Well, Quas was nothing if not kindhearted so he pointed to the largest bell, "OK, if you can ring this bell you can have the job."

    The guy was so excited. He backed up way across the tower floor, got ready, and ran across the room and smashed his face into the bell! Dong! dong! Dong!
    Quas went over and helped the guy to his feet, face bloody, front teeth missing. "OK, that was impressive! But you can't possibly do that more than once!"
    "Oh please sir," said the man, "let me show you. Oh please, I beg you."
    "Ok," sighed Quas, "if you can do that again you have the job."
    The guy gleefully repeated the performance and rang the bell again with his face. But, gasp, this time he slipped on the floor and went tumbling out the window of the bell tower!!
    Quas looked out the window and saw the man on the ground far below.

    Quas slowly shuffled down the stairs. By the time he got out to the courtyard there was a circle of people looking at the broken body on the ground.
    One asked quietly, "Who was that man?"
    Quas said "Sorry, I didn't catch his name, but his face sure rings a bell."


    The very next day...

    Quas was again in the bell tower, slowly cleaning the big bell when he again heard someone climb the stairs.
    When a man entered the bell room Quas looked at him in shock, "WHO are YOU?" This guy looked exactly like the other guy - and amazingly, he TOO had no arms!

    The new guy sounded desperate, "Kind sir, my twin brother was here yesterday for the job. But after his accident I am left to care for not only his family but my own. Oh please Sir, I really need this job, please, please."
    Well, to make a long story a bit shorter the same thing happened to him as to his brother - the guy rang the bell with is face then somehow fell out the window the second time.

    Once again, by the time Quas made it down to the courtyard there was another ring of people looking sadly down at the poor, broken body on the ground.
    One of them asked, "Does anyone know who that man was?"
    Quas said, "Well I don't know his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother..."


    (OK I'll quit now!! BTW, I heard the first part long ago but changed it a bit and made up the second part.
    I've been telling this for maybe 50 years now, on the rare occasion I find someone who will stay long enough to listen! It's gotten plenty of groans...)


    JKJ

    Quasi eventually trained a bat to sit on the clapper in the bell and make it ring. He called it his “Ding Bat!”
    Best regards,

    Jim
    Lakeside, Oregon

  3. #123
    Jewish mother

    The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
    "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
    "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door"
    "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"
    Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
    "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
    The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

    So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 202
    5, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says,
    "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
    The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
    Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
    "Anything seems possible when you don't know what you're doing."

  4. #124
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    A Newfie pilot and copilot had to fly from the Rock to the center of the universe (translation for my American friends, Newfie= someone from Newfoundland Canada's farthest east province, the Rock= not Duane Johnson, the Rock is the province of Newfoundland the centre of the universe is Toronto or at least they think so) to pick up Covid supplies. So they took off from Come by Chance (that's a real place) and headed west. They got to Pearson airport and were on final approach. The pilot remarked how short the runway was and asked for half flaps, half flaps deployed responded the copilot, closer in again the pilot remarked on how short the runway was and called for full flaps, full flaps deployed responded the copilot. As they touched down the pilot called for full reverse thrusters but before the copilot could respond they hit a snow bank, flipped over came to a stop. The pilot and copilot crawled out of the plane unhurt (Newfies are tuff) and the pilot proclaimed Lord thundering @#$%&, that's the shortest runway I ever saw! Yeah responded the copilot, but look how wide it is!
    Last edited by Doug Garson; 01-25-2021 at 3:23 PM.

  5. #125
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    wide runway

    Quote Originally Posted by Doug Garson View Post
    ...that's the shortest runway I ever saw! Yeah responded the copilot, but look how wide it is!
    Ha! That brought back the memory of landing a Cessna 150 Aerobat on the old military base airport at Smyrna TN in the mid '70s. A newbie, I had never touched down on such a huge runway, about 1.5 miles long, over twice what I was used to. I did as taught and landed as close to the end of the runway as I could. That was a mistake - I then had to taxi for what seemed like FOREVER to get to the ramp. Caught some good-natured ribbing from the locals in the office. While taxiing I remember thinking that runway looked wide enough to land on sideways! Thanks for the memory.

    JKJ

  6. #126
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    Quote Originally Posted by John K Jordan View Post
    Ha! That brought back the memory of landing a Cessna 150 Aerobat on the old military base airport at Smyrna TN in the mid '70s. A newbie, I had never touched down on such a huge runway, about 1.5 miles long, over twice what I was used to. I did as taught and landed as close to the end of the runway as I could. That was a mistake - I then had to taxi for what seemed like FOREVER to get to the ramp. Caught some good-natured ribbing from the locals in the office. While taxiing I remember thinking that runway looked wide enough to land on sideways! Thanks for the memory.

    JKJ
    That’s a great little plane! At least you got some taxi practice. If you ever want to land on a short runway, take a trip to Saba. You’ll have to fly on WinnAir, as they are the only ones allowed to land there. They fly Twin Otter turboprops. Saba is the shortest commercial runway in the world, and it is flanked on three sides by cliffs. If you don’t make your takeoff roll, there is no second try. On the way to Saba, they usually stop at St. Eustacius and St. Bart’s which aren’t much longer runways either.

  7. #127
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    Ten characters
    99.jpg

  8. #128
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    The following tale was contributed a number of years ago about December of 2008 by Mark Page who certified that it was a true story. Unfortunately we haven't heard from Mark since 2018. So here goes:


    "My high school buddy and me used to do a lot of trapping for the extra money. We were out running traps one early evening and we found we trapped a bobcat. Just a medium sized one that maybe weighed in 22-24 lbs. Neither one of us wanted to kill this cat but we had to figure out a way to get him loose. Now of course it's colder than heck outside and of course we were well on the way to being anebriated from drinking all the Jack Daniels and Jim Beam antifreeze that we could get ahold of. Now my friend has this old 1960's vintage samsonite hard plastic suitcase in the back of his truck that he used for a poor man's truckbox. It was one of those that weighed about 40 lbs empty and probably one of those that was in the commercial with the gorilla jumping on it. We get the bright idea we'll throw this open suitcase over this cat and try to get it closed on him. After about what seemed an hour, we get this suitcase over and closed on the cat sans the one back leg that was still in the trap. We free the leg in the trap and of course the cat yanks it and wallah--we have a bobcat in a suitcase. We toss the suitcase in the back of the truck and run the rest of the traps we had set. We almost forgot we had this cat in captivity till we see the suitcase again. Now neither one of us had the fortitude to unlatch this suitcase to release the bobcat. We get the bright idea that we'll break the suitcase and that will do it. We beat the livin' hell out of this suitcase and threw it again trees, the highway, etc. Samsonite lived up to its reputation and this thing wouldn't bust open. We're well anebriated by this time, the cats been in the suitcase for appx a couple hours and well pissed off by now, especially after us banging him around. We figure we'll let someone else do the dirty work for us. We set the suitcase in the middle of the highway in the center of the river bridge. About the fifth or sixth car that passed it was a big 4 door electra, catalina, or something of the such. We see the brake lamps come on, backup lamps light, one door opens and an arm reaches and grabs this suitcase. Well folks, they didn't make it to the end of the bridge. All four doors come open and about 5-6 guys bail out of this land yacht. From the lights on the bridge and their headlamps, we could make out the silhouette of this bobcat in the back windshield shelf, and he wasn't a happy camper. I figure this pissed off pusskat took out some upholstery when he came loose. Now we didn't plan on someone opening the suitcase inside their car, we figured that they would do it out in the open. Now of course my buddy and I were dying laughing at this time. But the good thing is that no-one appeared to get hurt, not even the cat."
    Lee Schierer
    Captain USNR(Ret)

    My advice, comments and suggestions are free, but it costs money to run the site. If you found something of value here please give a little something back by becoming a contributor! Please Contribute

  9. #129
    Since Lee started with that unbelievable story here's one my dad told of his youth.

    My dad grew up in the country in the early 1900's. Like many men of that era he was an outdoorsman but, at age 9, did not yet have a gun of his own. Itching to grow up and "put meat on the table" for the rest of his family, one early morning, while everyone else was still asleep, he "borrowed" his father's 10-gauge double-barrel shotgun and quietly snuck out and down to the pond just past the tree line behind the house, hoping to get there before the many ducks would normally arrive.

    It was still dark, and he soon fell asleep as he hid in the bushes by the shoreline waiting for the ducks to show up. When they finally arrived, making a great racket, he was suddenly awakened and instinctively brought the heavy gun up to meet them. This was a tremendous weapon for a 9-year old, so he had a bit of trouble fully bringing it up to his shoulder and fired too soon--both barrels!

    He was very disappointed to not get even ONE duck. But he went home with a whole bushel of ducks' feet.
    "Anything seems possible when you don't know what you're doing."

  10. #130
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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
    'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
    'Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
    He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
    At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
    She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
    'How does that feel'?
    He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken.









  11. #131
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    My wife told me the difference between knowledge and wisdom. (She said it wasn't original)

    Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
    Wisdom is knowing not to use one in a fruit salad.

  12. #132
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    not really a joke but,

    It's Feb 2, and every time I've turned the tv on today the movie Groundhog Day is playing, at about the same spot, go figure.
    Last edited by Mike Soaper; 02-02-2021 at 7:34 PM.

  13. #133
    A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

    "What's that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?

    I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."


    He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,

    and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
    leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

    ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

    The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
    another dog is pushing her home."





















    Best regards,

    Jim
    Lakeside, Oregon

  14. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim Allen View Post
    A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

    "What's that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?

    I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."


    He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,

    and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
    leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

    ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

    The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
    another dog is pushing her home."





















    I and my coworkers are in tears laughing at that one.

  15. #135
    Quote Originally Posted by andy bessette View Post
    Since Lee started with that unbelievable story here's one my dad told of his youth.

    My dad grew up in the country in the early 1900's. Like many men of that era he was an outdoorsman but, at age 9, did not yet have a gun of his own. Itching to grow up and "put meat on the table" for the rest of his family, one early morning, while everyone else was still asleep, he "borrowed" his father's 10-gauge double-barrel shotgun and quietly snuck out and down to the pond just past the tree line behind the house, hoping to get there before the many ducks would normally arrive.

    It was still dark, and he soon fell asleep as he hid in the bushes by the shoreline waiting for the ducks to show up. When they finally arrived, making a great racket, he was suddenly awakened and instinctively brought the heavy gun up to meet them. This was a tremendous weapon for a 9-year old, so he had a bit of trouble fully bringing it up to his shoulder and fired too soon--both barrels!

    He was very disappointed to not get even ONE duck. But he went home with a whole bushel of ducks' feet.
    I have a similar family story, which fortunately turned out better than it could have--

    Late one night in their bedroom in September 1948, was Mike, my oldest brother, 2-1/2 years old, and Bruce, my other brother, 8 months old. Bruce was sleeping in his crib with his stuffed rabbit. Mike on the other hand...

    Earlier that day my dad and his brother were headed out to do some rabbit hunting. In those days that meant anywhere farther than 1/4 mile from the house. My mom asked if Mike could tag along. The hunters returned after a few hours, rest of the day was a normal day. Next day dad went to work, mom did mom things... She retrieved Bruce from the crib, and found his stuffed rabbit on the floor next to the crib, didn't think much about it at the time. Later she went into the boys bedroom to put Bruce down for a nap, and picked the rabbit up and put it back in the crib. Then she saw something funny...

    When dad got home from work, she takes him into the bedroom, and shows him 4 small holes in the floor near where the rabbit was. "Look what Mike did to the floor, looks like he was hammering nails in the floor?" Dad says "those aren't nail holes, those are BULLET holes!"

    --Mike watched my dad very closely that day. He watched how dad inserted the bolt into the single shot 22 rifle, watched how he cocked the bolt, opened the chamber and loaded each shell and closed the bolt, how he pulled back the hammer in the bolt, how he pulled the trigger, and repeated the sequence many times that day. He also watched dad remove the bolt, and put it in the highest cupboard in the kitchen next to the box of 22 shells. And he watched as dad placed the bolt-less rifle in the back of the closet in his & Bruce's bedroom. After everyone went to bed, he simply got the 3-step ladder my 5'-1" mom needed to get anything high-up in the kitchen, climbed onto the counter, opened the cabinet, grabbed the bolt, got 4 bullets from the box, took them to the bedroom, put the bolt in the rifle, chambered a shell, and --thankfully- pulled the rabbit out of the crib, and 'went rabbit hunting'. He'd closed the cabinet, put the ladder away and put the gun back in the closet. Only thing he forgot was to remove the bolt, and that's how dad figured out what happened. He found the lead in the basement.

    I still have the rifle... So easy to use, a 2 year old can do it-
    22-1.jpg22-2.jpg22-3.jpg22-4.jpg

    One of those "72 years later I guess it's okay to laugh about" stories
    ========================================
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    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
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