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Thread: Tell us a CLEAN joke!

  1. #46
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
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    Maryland
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    88
    It's Friday the 13th 2020, what could go wrong!

  2. #47
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Quorn United Kingdom
    Posts
    588
    Two elderly men playing golf and they get to the 18th hole
    In the distance a Hurst with a coffin passes by and one of the elderly gentlemen takes off his cap.
    The other elderly gentleman turns and says That's wonderful taking off your cap to show a sign of respect
    The gentleman with cap in hand replies ..We were married 45 years
    Last edited by Brian Deakin; 11-13-2020 at 10:40 AM.

  3. #48
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    Jun 2013
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    US Virgin Islands
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    Interviewer: Your resume’ is impressive, but how do you explain this four-year gap in your timeline?
    Job Candidate: Oh, that’s when I went to Yale.
    Interviewer: Wow, that’s impressive! You’re hired!
    Job Candidate: Thanks! I really need this Yob.

  4. #49
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    531
    Mrs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

    Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

    The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

    The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

    The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

  5. #50
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Morocco IN
    Posts
    1,087
    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
    The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
    “We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
    “Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
    The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”
    You know, the worst ain't so bad when it finally happens.
    Not half as bad as you figure it'll be before it's happened.
    - Bob Curtin

  6. #51
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    Jun 2013
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bill Carey View Post
    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
    The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
    “We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
    “Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
    The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”
    That’s the best one so far!

  7. #52
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Waterford, PA
    Posts
    270
    Older woman sits on the exam table.

    Doc gets ready with stethoscope, tells her, "Big breath."

    Woman says, "Why, thank you, and they’re all mine."

  8. #53
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Northern UT
    Posts
    739
    A farmer and his wife were on their way back from town when the mule pulling their cart suddenly stopped. The farmer stepped down from the cart, looked the mule the eye and said "That's once." and returned to the cart. The mule continued for a little while down the road and stopped again. The farmer stepped down from the cart, looked the mule in the eye and said 'That's twice." and returned to the cart. The mule started up again, only to stop a short while later. The farmer stepped down from the cart, looked the mule in the eye and said "That's three times." and returned to the cart and retrieved his shotgun and shot the mule. The startled wife got out of the cart and screamed at her husband and asked him why he would do that and how are they going to get their cart and supplies home and how is he going to plow the fields now? The farmer looked his wife in the eye and replied "That's once."


    But have you heard the rest of the story?

    The couple had actually just gotten married that morning. When they reached home, the farmer carried his wife over the threshold and into the bedroom. As they were getting undressed for their first night as a couple, the wife hands her new husband her pants and tells him to put them on. The farmer is 6' 3" tall and weighed 230 lbs. His wife was 5' 4" tall weighing 125 lbs. He looks at her like she is crazy and says, 'There is no way I can get into your pants.' Her only reply is 'That is right, and if you don't change your attitude, you never will.'
    I am in love with Montana. For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection, but with Montana it is love.... It seems to me that Montana is a great splash of grandeur....the mountains are the kind I would create if mountains were ever put on my agenda. Montana seems to me to be what a small boy would think Texas is like from hearing Texans. Montana has a spell on me. It is grandeur and warmth. Of all the states it is my favorite and my love.

    John Steinbeck


  9. #54
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Schenectady, NY
    Posts
    1,477
    Did you hear about the 2 antennas that got married ? The ceremony was nothing special but the reception was fantastic.
    Happy and Safe Turning, Don


    Woodturners make the world go ROUND!

  10. #55
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Winterville, NC (eastern NC)
    Posts
    2,139
    A truck was recently hijacked that was carrying a load of Cialis and Viagra.
    The police are looking for a team of hardened criminals.

  11. #56
    A man goes into a drug store and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms. The clerk asks: "paper bag?" Man says: "Nah she's pretty good looking."
    "Anything seems possible when you don't know what you're doing."

  12. #57
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Modesto, CA, USA
    Posts
    5,433
    The monastery opens a fish and chips shop to make money. A customer walks in and places his order and then asks if the shop is owned by the monastery on the hill behind the shop. Told that it is he asked jokingly are you the chip monk? He replies no, I am the fish friar.
    Bill D

  13. #58
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    531
    Every year, Smitty and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Smitty would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Smitty, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

    This one year Smitty and Martha went to the fair and Smitty said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

    Martha replied, "Smitty, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

    The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Smitty and Martha agreed, and up they went.

    The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Smitty, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

    Smitty replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"

  14. #59
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Medina Ohio
    Posts
    4,067
    A into a public toilet and does his business and reaches for the TP but the roll is empty. He yells hey there’s no TP in here and the attendant says yea with the Covid people are hoarding it. The guy asks what he should do and the attendant asks do you have a dollar the guy says yes the attendant says use that to wipe. The guy is in there for some time and comes out with poo all over his hand. The attendant says I thought you said you had a dollar and that you were going to use it to wipe. The guy says I did do you know how hard it is to wipe your butt with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel.

  15. #60
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    531
    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

    While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

    Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

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