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Thread: Tell us a CLEAN joke!

  1. #136
    Inverse Murphy's Law:



    1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

    2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    3. A day without sunshine is like, night.

    4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

    6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

    8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

    9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

    12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June Flower."

    13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

    14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    16. Keep honking, I'm reloading.

    17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

    18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial Costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

    20. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

    21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

    22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

    23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

    24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

    25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

    26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first

    27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer

    28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

    29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

    30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

    31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

    32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

    33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

    34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

    36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak .
    Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
    Anonyms

  2. #137
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    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

  3. #138
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    A guy and his girlfriend are walking down the street looking in the store windows when his girlfriend says boy those are nice shoes I wish I had them. The guy pulls a brick out od his coat and throws it through the window and grabs the shoes for her. The keep on walking and she spots a nice hand bag in the window and she says that it would really go good with her new shoes so he pulls out a brick and throws it through the window and grabs the handbag. A little later she sees a real nice coat in another window and says with the shoes and handbag that coat would go good so he pulls out another brick and through it through the window and grabs that coat. After walking some more his girlfriend sees a real broach and says that would look cute on the coat the guy turns toward her and says you can’t have it I’m not made of bricks.

  4. #139
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    Tonight I’m having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner..



    I found Himalayan on the road..

  5. #140
    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.





    At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.






    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.






    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.






    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.






    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
    Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
    Anonyms

  6. #141
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    Jim, I immediately thought of Ray Steven’s song about the squirrel getting loose in church.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K16fG1sDagU

  7. #142
    Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
    Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
    As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

    Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention, and tossed it out the window to him.

    The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

    The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.

    She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
    "What's this?" she asked.
    "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
    unnamed.jpg
    Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
    Anonyms

  8. #143
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    12.jpg x

  9. #144
    A Redneck Love Poem

    Susie Lee done fell in love,
    She planned to marry Joe.
    She was so happy 'bout it all,
    She told her Pappy so.


    Pappy told her, Susie gal,
    You'll have to find another,
    I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
    But Joe is yo' half brother


    So Susie put aside her Joe
    and planned to marry Will.
    But after telling Pappy this,
    He said, "There's trouble still".


    You can't marry will, my gal
    And please don't tell yo' mother.
    But Will and Joe, and several mo'
    I know is yo' half brother.


    But Mama knew and said, my child,
    Just do what makes yo' happy,
    Marry Will or marry Joe;
    You ain't no kin to Pappy



    Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
    Anonyms

  10. #145
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    An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

  11. #146
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Aumiller View Post
    An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
    How did they ever find each other?

    jtk
    "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

  12. #147
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    I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.
    I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it..


    Lynn Miclea, Author



  13. #148
    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Aumiller View Post
    I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.
    I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it..
    Is that awl you got, stud? Are you on the level? Will there be a drill in the morning?
    Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
    Anonyms

  14. #149
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    Sorry, with all the talk about Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, I couldn't resist this.




    A girl Potato and boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato which they called 'Yam,' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam, and when it was time they told her about the facts of life.
    They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of tater tots.
    Yam said not to worry, no spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her, but on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a couch potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
    When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
    Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
    Tom Brokaw!
    Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.....
    Are you ready for this?
    Are you sure?
    OK!
    Here it is!
    " A COMMONTATER ".

  15. #150
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim Allen View Post
    Is that awl you got, stud? Are you on the level? Will there be a drill in the morning?
    I've got a great joke about putting up ceiling panels.
    But it would be over your head.

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