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Thread: Tell us a CLEAN joke!

  1. #16
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    Feb 2008
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    Did you hear about the man who lost his chewing gum in the chicken coop?
    He thought he found it three times.

  2. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by John K Jordan View Post
    Did you hear about the man who lost his chewing gum in the chicken coop?
    He thought he found it three times.
    Hahaha. I believe you remember my chicken post a month or two ago. This is funny. Update: 9 down, about 6 to go. Still have to cover my work when I go home, but much less chicken poop, and I now have a nice collection of rooster feathers.

  3. #18
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    Jan 2019
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    What lies on the floor of the ocean and twitches?

    A nervous wreck.

  4. #19
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    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. "My husband quietly said "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once!"





  5. #20
    "... and God promised man that good and obedient wives
    could be found in all corners of the earth.
    And God made the earth round,
    and he laughed, and laughed..."
    ========================================
    ELEVEN - rotary cutter tool machines
    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
    CASmate, Corel, Gravostyle


  6. #21
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
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    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
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    494
    A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

    At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"


    ------------------------
    A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulforous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw his former attorney snuggling with a beautiful woman.

    "That's not fair!" he cried, "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman!"

    The devil barked, "Shut up! Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

  7. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Malcolm Schweizer View Post
    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. "My husband quietly said "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once!"
    I heard a similar version when I was young.

    A farmer and his wife were on their way back from town when the mule pulling their cart suddenly stopped. The farmer stepped down from the cart, looked the mule the eye and said "That's once." and returned to the cart. The mule continued for a little while down the road and stopped again. The farmer stepped down from the cart, looked the mule in the eye and said 'That's twice." and returned to the cart. The mule started up again, only to stop a short while later. The farmer stepped down from the cart, looked the mule in the eye and said "That's three times." and returned to the cart and retrieved his shotgun and shot the mule. The startled wife got out of the cart and screamed at her husband and asked him why he would do that and how are they going to get their cart and supplies home and how is he going to plow the fields now? The farmer looked his wife in the eye and replied "That's once."
    I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."

  8. #23
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    Sep 2016
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    Modesto, CA, USA
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    On their honeymoon the romantic couple went for a rowboat ride at the lake and her ring fell off. They dragged the lake and never found it. For their 60 anniversary they went back to the lake. She was eating fish, fresh caught from the lake, when she choked on something hard and spit it out onto her plate.
    It was a fish bone!
    Bill D.

  9. #24
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    Lost ring - true story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bill Dufour View Post
    On their honeymoon the romantic couple went for a rowboat ride at the lake and her ring fell off. ...
    A man lost his wedding ring on his honeymoon while swimming in Ginnie Springs in Florida.

    And the real life story: about a year later I found a gold wedding band buried 6" in the sand in 30+ feet of water while metal detecting with scuba gear in Ginnie Springs. From an inscription on the inside and a little detective work I identified the owner who lived on the other side of the state, but couldn't reach anyone by phone. Happenstance put us in their city the next day and I finally reached the wife by phone. She met us and was amazed and thrilled to get the ring back although just the week before they had just bought a replacement. She said she was going to put the original ring through his nose. Wonder what she meant by that...

    JKJ

  10. #25
    As Popeye would say, "Coinsidinks"...

    one of my favorites:
    In 1971 Anthony Hopkins auditioned for the leading role
    in a screen adaptation of George Feifer's novel The Girl from Petrovka. Hopkins was chosen for the part, and a few days after signing the contract he traveled to London hoping to buy a copy of the book. After failing to find one after visiting several bookstores in the Charing Cross area of London, he was waiting on the platform of the Leicester Square subway station when he noticed a book had been left on the seat next to him. It was a copy of The Girl from Petrovka.

    Two years later while filming, Hopkins was visited by Feifer. The author mentioned he no longer had a copy of his own book. He told Hopkins he lent it to someone who lost it. The book Hopkins found was Feifer's...





    ========================================
    ELEVEN - rotary cutter tool machines
    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
    CASmate, Corel, Gravostyle


  11. #26
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Fairbanks AK
    Posts
    371
    What was the last thing General Washington said to the Continental Army before they crossed the Delware River to attack the Hessians?

    He said, "Men, get in the boats"

  12. #27
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    Feb 2003
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    Hayes, Virginia
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    13,780

  13. #28
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Fairbanks AK
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    What is the greatest engineering feat of all time?


    Wheeling West Virginia.

  14. #29
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Livonia, Michigan
    Posts
    735
    For supposedly clean jokes there's a bunch I can't repeat.
    .
    .
    .
    When my wife is around.

    -Tom

  15. #30
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Northern Oregon
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    1,706
    Leno tells a good one here:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oehKIl5irw
    "Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t - you’re right."
    - Henry Ford

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