Tell us a CLEAN joke!

[Malcolm McLeod]

The tequila diet: Lose 3 days in a week.

——————————

Mother Nature: You can’t have all 4 seasons in a week!
Texas: Hold my beer.

[Bob Coates]

We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!!
I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...





... A Peeking Duck!!!

[Jim Allen]

Pat had been in business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Pat, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'." Not a problem," says Pat. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right," says Pat. "I'll be there, Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem," says Pat, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[andy bessette]

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......


And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

[Dan Hunkele]

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'



St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.



Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.



A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'



'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

Never,' said Ray.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"

[Kev Williams]

A guy walks into the Emergency Room, totally naked but wrapped head to toe in clear cellophane.

Doctor walks up to the guy and asks "so, what can I do for YOU today?"

guy says "I don't know why, but I do this every day! Do you have any idea what's wrong with me?"

Doc says "I'm not sure, but clearly, I can see your nuts..."

[Jim Koepke]

Hello Father...

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ......They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

[Andrew Joiner]

Thanks Jim! I laughed LOUDLY

[Dan Hunkele]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.



One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold... my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

The moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Bill Dufour]

Courtesy of WC Fields. This aereoplane is equipped with Maxwell parachutes, good to the last drop.
Bill D.

[John K Jordan]

From a test.

math.jpg

[Jim Koepke]

From a test.

math.jpg

Wise guy student fails geometry.

Most folks don't even have to do any math for that one. A 30-60-90 triangle will be 3cm-4cm-5cm forever.

jtk

[Jack Frederick]

Sven and Ole, long time friends, were both farmers in E Colo. Sven was telling Ole that he wanted to pick up some milkers. Ole recommended caution, as was his want. Sven rather quickly located a farmer up north who had some for sale so in his truck and trailer he headed up there. Upon arrival he inspected the cows and was assured by the owner that they were indeed good milkers and invited Sven to try one out. Sven pulled up the stool and was very surprised that when he pulled on the cows teets that she gave out with a very long loud fart. “Yeah, she does that at times but she gives good milk, said the owner. Sven bought his cows and returned home. Upon hearing this Ole came right over to inspect. He was very reserved in his inspection of the cows but Sven finally said, “Here, Ole, she’s a good milker. Try her out.” Ole jumped right to the task and when settled he reached under the cow, pulling on her teet and true to form she let out a large fart. Ole was stunned and amazed as he jumped backward off the stool in surprise, loudly exclaiming, “That cow is from North Dakota.” How do you know that?” asked Sven. Ole replied, “My wife is from North Dakota, too!”

[Ed Aumiller]

Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Bill Dufour]

True story, no joke. Political correctness has gone too far.
I was reading about if there are any legitimate medical reasons not to get vacinated. This was from Yale or Harvard medical they said that pregnant"people" should be vaccinated. pregnant "individuals" the same.
Never once did they use the words female, mother, women etc. Too sexist I guess?
In California health insurance has to cover pregnancy for women and men as well.
Bill D