Tell us a CLEAN joke!

[David Bassett]

Reminds me of my favorite definition of an expert: Someone who makes all his mistakes in private.

Went to a company sponsored seminar where the host introduced the Professor who was speaking as "the expert in his field". The speaker gently objected to this characterization and then added a joke:

What is an expert?

Ex -- a has been
Spurt -- a drip under pressure.

So, "a has been drip under pressure".

[Lee Schierer]

I thought an Expert was anyone that comes to visit your business that comes from 50 or more miles out of town, is paid more per day than you make in a week and is getting per diem.

[Doug Garson]

I thought an Expert was anyone that comes to visit your business that comes from 50 or more miles out of town, is paid more per day than you make in a week and is getting per diem.

And carrying a briefcase !

[David Bassett]

That too.

(Plus a few more characters. )

[Bill Dufour]

"I am from the government and I am here to help you"
Don't tax me, don't tax ye, tax that fellow behind the tree.

My mother had a saying "He who cheats at solitare can't be trusted anywere."

[Jim Koepke]

My mother had a saying "He who cheats at solitare can't be trusted anywere."

If a person won't be honest with them self why expect them to be honest with others?

It may have been Molly Ivins who said, "Integrity is doing the right thing even when you know no one is watching."

jtk

[andy bessette]

MAMA'S BIBLE

One evening, four brothers chatted together after dinner. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said: "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said: "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said: "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the birthday celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama"

[Mel Fulks]

Andy ,that is a master piece ! Thanks for hacking my website....'course it's all kinda traumatic to have personal stuff
laid out like that....

[andy bessette]

[Bill McNiel]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

Bill - Linda & I both fell off our chairs laughing. Thank you!

[Brian Deakin]

I am on the dyslexic spectrum and the joke below is not intended to cause any offence and was told to me by the local Vicar

The Vicar said he had been approached by a dyslexic Satanist who had sold his soul to Santa

[Doug Garson]

That reminds me of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

[Bill Dufour]

Who invented the telephone booth?......
John Wilkes Bell.

Who invented the telephone pole?.....
Alexander Graham Kowalsky.

[Dan Hunkele]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[Bill Dufour]

The young husband works in a soviet baby carriage factory. His wife tells him they are going to have a baby. So he decides to take home one of each part in his lunch box so he can make a baby carriage at home. He accumulates one of every part in the nursery room at home. He finally tells his wife he is stupid and needs her help to assemble the carriage. He tells her he has tried a million different ways and all he can make is an machine gun.
Bill D