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Thread: Tell us a CLEAN joke!

  1. #1
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    Tell us a CLEAN joke!

    The “time for some levity” thread just makes my day. I have a buddy that posts a joke a day, which I also love, and I thought maybe you would all want to share some of your favorite jokes.

    Here is one to start:

    6EF40DA9-97B4-4694-BB21-167DA1845CCF.jpg

  2. #2
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    How about some real life humor, I heard this from someone that was in the room, the veterinarian told the couple that he needed to check more things on their dog and said you need to bring in his stool. The man said, sir, we are poor folk, our dog does not have a stool.

  3. #3
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    Two peanuts were walking in the park. One was a salted the other was a roasted.
    Bill D

  4. #4
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    There is a real product for cats called "pretty litter". It is special cat litter. The cat does it's business then the litter turns all sorts of pretty colors. Each color means something different is wrong. If it does not turn color I think they pass the test. You are supposed to use it at least once per year.
    Bil lD

  5. #5
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    I have found many men who have gone through a divorce will tend to pound their head on a table after hearing this story:

    A man and his wife are having coffee and reading the Sunday paper.
    The man sniffles, his wife asks if he is OK, he says, "yes dear, I'm fine."
    A few moments later, he sniffles again, she asks, "are you sure your not coming down with something?"
    He replies, "I'm fine, I was just reminiscing."
    Cheerfully she asks, "Oh, what about?"
    He answers, "Remember when your father was the Sheriff and caught us in the back seat of my car? He then pointed a shot gun at me and said, "young man, either you are going to marry my daughter or you’ll be in prison for the next 10 years."
    Laughingly she says, "yeah, I remember daddy being like that."
    With tears welling up in his eyes he says, "I would have gotten out today."

    jtk
    Last edited by Jim Koepke; 10-17-2020 at 1:24 AM.
    "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

  6. #6
    Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days.
    While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp.
    When he touches it, a genie comes forth.
    This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
    Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!”
    The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.

    The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says,
    “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”


    A guy is having a bad day.
    In the morning he goes to divorce court, lost everything.
    In the afternoon he goes to bankruptcy court, they put a lien on his bank account
    Penniless, he goes to the park to sit down and wallow in his misery.
    He notices something shiny in the bushes across the walk, and checks it out.
    It looks like a genie's lamp. "Nah, couldn't be..." he says.
    He rubs it anyway. POOF!
    "Hi, friend! Thanks for releasing me! For that, I'll grant you THREE wishes!"
    Pondering the day he's had, the guy says "My first wish is to live in a world without lawyers!"
    "GRANTED! Have a good life, I'm outta here!"
    "But wait, you told me I have THREE wishes!?"

    ".... so, sue me!"



    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
    He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
    The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
    There’s a silence, then BANG!!!
    Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”



    A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”
    Intrigued, he walks in.

    “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

    “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

    The guy is flabbergasted.
    He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

    The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
    ========================================
    ELEVEN - rotary cutter tool machines
    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
    CASmate, Corel, Gravostyle


  7. #7
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    A woodworker is working late one night in his shop and opens an old can of finish and a Gennie comes forth
    The Gennie says I have been trapped in that can for 20 years and as a reward for freeing me I will grant you one wish

    The woodworker thinks for a moment then says I would like to win the Powerball lottery so I can build the best workshop in the world

    The Gennie says. The chances of winning the Powerball lottery jackpot are three hundred million to one. Can you think of of something
    else instead
    So the man thinks for a minute then says. Well I would like to understand my wife

    The Gennie says .Show me that Powerball ticket
    Last edited by Brian Deakin; 10-17-2020 at 6:05 AM.

  8. #8
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    Gnome more Dad jokes!

    Gnome more!xwchJ3G.jpg

    Why do melons have weddings?
    Last edited by Jim Matthews; 10-17-2020 at 8:35 AM.

  9. #9
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    Why did the cowboy buy a Dachsund?

    Someone told him to ‘git along little doggie.’

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim Matthews View Post
    ...Why do melons have weddings?
    Because they cantaloupe?

  11. #11
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    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

    A stick.

  12. #12
    One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

    A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
    I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."

  13. #13
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    We certainly need a “like” button! These are clever. Here is another:

    My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

  14. #14
    Join Date
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    Michiana
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    A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
    Sharp solves all manner of problems.

  15. #15
    If this one's too over the edge, feel free to pull it

    A new recruit was explaining to his dad about his weekend of paratrooper training.
    "We had a class where they explained everything to us, and they taught us how to pack a parachute-"
    "Wow, sounds interesting!" dad says.
    "Yeah. Then they took us up in the plane, we all had our parachutes on-"
    "Wow, what an experience that must have been!" says dad.
    "Yeah. Then we all stood up, and the Sergeant connected the static lines to the plane--"
    "Wow! That sounds exciting!" dad says.
    "Yeah. But, I was the last one to go, and..."
    "And what? Did you have a problem?" dad asks.
    "Yeah. I hate to admit it, but I got scared. I didn't want to do it."
    "So, what happened?" dad asks.
    "Well, the Sergeant told me 'Soldier, you joined up to serve your country, correct?', and
    I told him 'Yes Sir, I Did.' And then he explained to me about the 'don't ask don't tell' rules,
    and that he was part of the 'don't tell group', and that one way or another,
    I was going to do my duty!"
    "Goodness!" dad says, "so, did you jump?"
    "Yeah. A little at first..."
    ========================================
    ELEVEN - rotary cutter tool machines
    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
    CASmate, Corel, Gravostyle


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