Tell us a CLEAN joke!

[Bill Dufour]

Add in Soviet mail order bride magazine.
Young farm girl looking for husband, then a photo with a caption...
"Sevtlana and tractor, tractor on right."

[Jim Koepke]

The young husband works in a soviet baby carriage factory.
[edited]
Bill D

This made me think of Johny Cash > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18cW_yHo3PY

jtk

[George Gibson]

The “time for some levity” thread just makes my day. I have a buddy that posts a joke a day, which I also love, and I thought maybe you would all want to share some of your favorite jokes.

Here is one to start:

Attachment 443348

I am the admin of this community

[Jason Buresh]

Why cant you put more than 2 doors on a chicken coop?

Then it would be a chicken sedan
______________________________________

Bob forgot his wifes anniversary. Furious, she says "When i wake up in the morning i want something that will go 0-200 in less than 6 seconds in the driveway, and if its not there we are through."

The next morning, the wife looks out the window, and there's a box with a ribbon on it. Curious, she goes outside and opens it up and inside is a brand new bathroom scale.
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A middle age woman is on the operating table and her heart suddenly stops, she goes to heaven and asks God if this is the end. God replies " No, the doctor's are about to revive you and you have 30 more years to live. " Suddenly she is revived and moved to recovery.

While she is in the hospital and knows she has life ahead of her, she decides to get some plastic surgery. Lips, tummy tuck, everything.

The day comes where she is ready to be discharged from the hospital and she puts on some heels, a long beautiful black dress and struts out if the hospital doors where she is immediately struck by a speeding ambulance and killed.

Now back in heaven she goes to God and says "I thought I had 30 more years to live!!" To which God replies "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

[Jim Koepke]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one #*@&!%~ ear."

[Jason Buresh]

A monastery decides to sell potted plants to earn some extra income, and all the friars get to work potting and watering the plants and getting them ready for sale. A man named Hugh who works for the government gets wind of this and heads to the monastery and puts an end to the sale of plants for not having the proper permits and business license.

Remember, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

---------------------------------------------

Convicted hitman Jimmy McCarty confessed in court today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figurines.

Police say this is the first confirmed case of a "knick knack paddy whack"

[Jeff Ramsey]

TOOLS EXPLAINED


DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
CHOP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

[Ed Aumiller]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world."

[Jerome Stanek]

A drunk soldier walks a hotel and asks if they have a room available the desk clerk says that they only have one but it is very large and he would have to share it. The soldier said ok I’m drunk and just need to sleep it off so he goes up to it. A few minutes later a sailor comes in really drunk and asks the same thing I just need to sleep it off until morning and the clerk says We have a room that has a soldier in it and you would have to share it. The sailor says that would be ok and goes up to it. About an hour later a marine come in wanting a room because he also is drunk the clerk says if you don’t mind staying with a soldier and sailor you can stay in that room. The marine agrees and goes up to it. Later that night a WAC comes in the worst shape then any of the others and she asks do you have any rooms available and the clerk says not really but we do have one that a drunk sailor drunk soldier and a drunk marine are in and you could stay there. The WAC says it’s late I’m tired and really drunk I’ll stay so she goes up.

The next morning the soldier comes down looking pretty bad and goes to the breakfast bar and gets a coffee and donut. A little later the sailor comes down looking about as bad as the soldier and goes to the breakfast bar and gets a coffee and donut about this time the marine comes down looking worse then the other two and goes to the breakfast bar and
get him a coffee and donut. The WAC comes bouncing down all bright eyed and bushy tailed and goes to the breakfast bar and get a large plate of bacon and eggs an orange juice coffee and donut. The moral of this story is that 3 out of 4 people have coffee and donuts for breakfast.

[Ed Aumiller]

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[Ed Aumiller]

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10.." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

[Jim Allen]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked and said, "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Mel Fulks]

Funny stuff ,Jim ! Oral history will always benefit future 'Mercans.

[Ed Aumiller]

A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"

The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.

The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.

Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!

A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.

The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"

"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

[Steve Jenkins]

At the end of his physical the doc asks if there is anything else. Man says his wife is really hard of hearing but he doesn’t know how to tell her. Doc says when you get home say something to her as soon as you get in the door and repeat it as you get closer.
He walks in the door says hi honey what’s for dinner. No reply. down the hall. Hi honey what’s for dinner. No reply
Walks up behind her in the kitchen. Hi honey what’s for dinner. She replies “ pork chops for the third time “