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Thread: Tell us a CLEAN joke!

  1. #31
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
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    Quorn United Kingdom
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    580
    A Bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer
    The barman says that will be $25
    The Bear pays for the beer then sits down in a corner of the bar and quietly drinks his beer

    The barman goes over to the Bear and says We don't get many Bears in here

    The Bear replies I am not surprised at these prices

    The same Bear goes into another bar and says to the barman

    A pint of................................................ ..beer please
    The barman says why big pause
    The Bear says I was born with them
    Last edited by Brian Deakin; 10-25-2020 at 3:24 PM.

  2. #32
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Modesto, CA, USA
    Posts
    5,156
    Quote Originally Posted by Keith Outten View Post
    Attachment 443624

    They got in the boats
    I have seen the same painters version of Washington Rallying the troops. It was stored in the attic for decades at UC Berkeley because they did not room for it to be displayed. Very, very few realize these paintings are life sized. The one in Berkeley is 23'x13'. It was not displayed until the 1980;'s when modern HID lighting allowed them to remove a suspended ceiling and raise it back up another 30 feet to original one designed for natural lighting only. Finally giving them enough wall space to hang it up for viewing.
    Bill D.

    https://twitter.com/cal/status/699381891221188608
    Last edited by Bill Dufour; 10-25-2020 at 5:17 PM.

  3. #33
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Quorn United Kingdom
    Posts
    580
    A group of politicians go into a bar and order a bottle of Champagne
    Each member of the group is poured a glass
    A barman watches the following unfold
    The first member of the group stands on a table shouts 42 days, all the other politicians cheer and they down their champagne
    The barman refills their glasses and a second and third politician repeat the same action

    The barman curious about this behavior asks what does the 42 days mean

    One of the politicians replies

    We are senior politicians and a jigsaw came into our offices The label on the box stated 2 to 4 years and we completed it in 42 days
    Last edited by Brian Deakin; 10-26-2020 at 7:11 AM.

  4. The invisible man met and married an invisible woman. No one knows what they saw in each other. The kids aren't much to look at either.

    “I have suffered from being misunderstood, but I would have suffered a hell of a lot more if I had been understood.” ― Clarence Darrow.
    Last edited by Perry Hilbert Jr; 10-26-2020 at 9:09 AM.

  5. #35
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Peshtigo,WI
    Posts
    930
    Quote Originally Posted by Brian Deakin View Post
    A Bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer
    The barman says that will be $25
    The Bear pays for the beer then sits down in a corner of the bar and quietly drinks his beer

    The barman goes over to the Bear and says We don't get many Bears in here

    The Bear replies I am not surprised at these prices

    The same Bear goes into another bar and says to the barman

    A pint of................................................ ..beer please
    The barman says why big pause
    The Bear says I was born with them
    A horse walked into the same bar and the barkeep says, what can I get you?
    Horse says in a rather sad voice, I'd like a beer.
    Barkeep gets the horse his beer and says, Why the long face?
    Horse says, I got it from my Dad
    Confidence: The feeling you experience before you fully understand the situation

  6. #36
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    500
    A couple decided to go to Florida for the weekend, but because they both worked it was hard to coordinate their diaries. So they decided the husband would go a day early, and his wife would join him the following day. On arriving, the husband thought he would email his wife from his laptop, but he accidentally misspelled her email address and sent it off without realizing.

    A widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends, but instead found this:

    To: My Loving Wife
    From: Your Departed Husband
    Subject: I've Arrived!

    I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

    ================================================== =============================
    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

    "Dang," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

    Last edited by Ed Aumiller; 10-26-2020 at 1:05 PM.

  7. #37
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    E TN, near Knoxville
    Posts
    10,065
    I went for a hearing test today. It reminded me of this.

    A guy decided to test his wife's hearing loss. She was working in the kitchen with her back to the room.

    He started on the other side of the room and said "Can you hear me?" No response.
    He moved closer: "Can you hear me now?" No response.
    He moved closer: "Can you hear me now?" No response.
    Finally he got up right behind her and said loudly "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"

    She turned around and said "For the fourth time, I can hear you just fine!"

  8. #38
    An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says,
    “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

    The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”



    A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote:
    “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
    If you are laughing, send me your smile.
    If you are eating, send me a bite.
    If you are drinking, send me a sip.
    If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

    Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”



    The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team.
    But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.
    Then his backup went down with a concussion.
    He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

    One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm.
    The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
    He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam!
    Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

    Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!”

    He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit.
    The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

    The Iraqi kid is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story.
    But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

    “Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!”

    “Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.”

    The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand!
    Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S.!
    Thousands of fans are screaming for me.
    The U.S. President is going to call me!”

    “I don’t care,” his mother snaps.
    “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere.
    Our block is like a ruin.
    Your brothers were beaten half to death last night,
    and your sister was nearly raped.”

    Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
    ========================================
    ELEVEN - rotary cutter tool machines
    FOUR - CO2 lasers
    THREE - fiber lasers
    ONE - vinyl cutter
    CASmate, Corel, Gravostyle


  9. #39
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Livonia, Michigan
    Posts
    735
    I almost doubled over with laughter with:

    "The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team."

    Ha Ha! That was too much!

    -Tom

  10. #40
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Winterville, NC (eastern NC)
    Posts
    2,115
    The head nun in a convent tasked a couple of young nuns to paint one of the rooms. They did not want to get paint on their habits (clothing) so they decided to strip down to their birthday suits, lock the door and started painting. Soon there was a knock at the door. The nuns asked who it was, and a man responded 'the blind man'. They felt safe opening the door and when the man entered, he stated he was there to install the blinds and commented on their nice buns.

  11. #41
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    E TN, near Knoxville
    Posts
    10,065
    An man and his wife who had been married 70 years were sitting on the porch, rocking and rocking In their rocking chairs.

    The man turned to his wife and said "Honey, I'm proud of you"
    She said "Say what? I can't hear you."

    He said a little louder, "Honey, I'm PROUD of you"
    She said "SPEAK UP, I can't hear you."

    So he shouted "I SAID HONEY, I'M PROUD OF YOU!"
    She said, "Well so what. I'm tired of you too."

  12. #42
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Shenandoah Valley in Virginia
    Posts
    500
    Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

    "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

  13. #43
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Northern Florida
    Posts
    338
    Thanks for reminding me....

    The Bishop orders some fish and chips at the monastery fast food place and they're great. Goes up to the counter and tells the cook "That was the best fish I've ever eaten." The cook says "I'm the Chip Monk. That's the Fish Friar over there."

  14. #44
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    US Virgin Islands
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    I don’t want to be a stick in the mud, but I groaned at those last two.

    Here is another lifted from my friend Ronnie who posts a joke almost every day on Facebook.

    Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

    One day he arrives home looking downcast.

    "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

    "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

    "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

    So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

    He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

    "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

    "Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

    "I don't remember."

  15. #45
    Join Date
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    Location
    US Virgin Islands
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    A father of five was given a bicycle from a friend. He had to choose which kid got the bike. He lined them up and said, “Okay, I have decided to give the bike to the one who obeys mommy, never talks back to her, and does everything she says to do.” The kids replied, “Okay, dad, you’re right- you get the bike.”

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