Only a few for today.
Only a few for today.
Dave Anderson
Chester, NH
Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
Anonyms
>>> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
>>> Dear Mrs. Harris:
>>> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
>>> We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
>>> Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
>>> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>>> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>>> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
>>> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
>>> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>>> 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>>> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>>> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
>>> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>>> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
>>> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>>> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
>>> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>>> 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
>>> 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>>> 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
>>> And last, but not least:
>>> 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
>>>
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Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
Anonyms
On Friday, July 15th, we Canadian taxpayers received a carbon tax rebate again. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a carbon tax rebate?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to some taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up!
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:
$ If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
$ If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
$ If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China.
$ If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala
$ If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
$ If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
$ If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on a hooker, or
4) Domestic Beer, or
5) Get Pizza from your local independent or
6) Tattoos.
These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada.
Conclusion:
Go to a hockey game with a tattooed hooker you met at a yard sale, eat Pizza and drink beer all day! Support Canada
No need to thank me. I'm just glad I could help.
Copied and pasted
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
Sunday funday.
Dave Anderson
Chester, NH
Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
Anonyms
Last week I discovered “Alexa” also responds to “Lexa”.
It’s depressing to think of how many syllables I’ve wasted.
JKJ
Keeping it going.
Dave Anderson
Chester, NH
There is no record of a woman shooting her husband while he was washing the dishes.
Woman vs Man #2.jpg
jtk
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
Assumption is the mother of all screw ups
Anonyms
Eclectic, Yes.
Dave Anderson
Chester, NH
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)