Advice needed - difficult holiday

[Belinda Barfield]

Our family holidays always have their fair share of trials and tribulations, some trivial, some not so. For Thanksgiving this year, however, providence has seen fit to deliver a new challenge. My aunt has terminal pancreatic cancer. She is only nine years older than me, so she never really seemed like an aunt, more like a sister who lived in a different house. I idolized her when I was growing up and I wanted to be a carbon copy of her.

According to my aunt's doctors, this could be the last holiday we have with her, but will probably be the last Thanksgiving. This isn't intended to be a selfish post about my loss, but a request for advice on how to handle a situation I've never before faced. How do I gather with the family and make this a joyous occasion, and not an occasion that seems like a farewell? I have a lump in my throat just writing about it, and I can't imagine how I will make it through the day without breaking down. Many distant relations that we haven't seen in years will be gathering with us this year, which will make it seem almost like an early funeral.

Any and all advice would be appreciated.

[Nancy Laird]

Belinda, we just went through a similar thing with David's sister - she died in June. When we visited her in February, we let her set the tone of the visit, and she did want to talk about some "family" stuff; and when David visited her again in May, just before she died, all he could do was to let her talk and decide what she wanted to talk about. He said it was rough--but you have to let her set the tone.

[JohnT Fitzgerald]

wow, that's very sad news......my prayers are with your entire family and especially your aunt.

I'm not sure there's really any way to avoid any of the things you point out - that it seem like an early funeral, or a farewell, etc - but it depends on how your aunt addresses it. If she wants it to be a joyous family get together, then it should be. Don't look at it as a farewell - you can say your goodbyes another time - but it can be something special that you all look back on and say "I'm glad we did that, it meant so much to her".

There's a great story about a dying professor that gave a "final lecture". It's really pretty amazing and moving to watch. Google "Randy Pausch final lecture".

As for breaking down - it shows just how much you care.

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Belinda,

I had a dear friend who was diagnosed with ALS. He was old enough to be my father and a fantastic gunsmith with incredible talents. Ron and I used to tease the daylights out of each other....and laugh at each other. I returned home from a 3 week business trip to find several notes hanging on the fridge from various friends about Ron's newly diagnosed condition. Saturday I called my other friends and pondered how to handle the situation.

Sunday I called Ron...."Well you young Pup" say he "I suppose you've heard?"

"Yup" says I....and I've only got 2 things to say "One....I am so God-awful sorry to hear it! ...and Two...it ain't gonna change the way I treat you..you old fart!" He bust out laughing and said "I'm so glad to hear that. There's a gun show in Deary next Saturday. Would you like to go? If so, why don't you pick me up about 0700?" We went....he bartered and bought a 1939 Winchester Model 70 270 caliber rifle. One of the last guns he built was on the action of that rifle. He built me a 7mm-06 aka 280 Remington IIRC. It's in the gun case upstairs.

Let your aunt set the tone but if she is up for it. Treat her like you did yesterday and all the yesterdays before. If she is game....make it a real holiday....enjoy her company and let her enjoy yours and the other family members. Let her know what a special place she holds in your heart!

My sympathies Belinda to your aunt, to you and your family.

[Belinda Barfield]

Thanks for you kind advice. Jan (my aunt), ever the imp, will definitely set the tone for the day. We will also be celebrating her mother's (my grandmother, of course) 85th birthday, so that will take some of the focus off of darker side of the day. Our family truly appreciates your thoughts and prayers.

[David DeCristoforo]

I had a similar situation with my SIL. What she said was "Please, lets just enjoy out time together. If this is to be the last, let's make it the best." Then she proceeded to get "potted" and was the life of the party!

DD

[Dennis Peacock]

WOW Belinda....I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt. All of you will be in my prayers. You already have good advice, so I'll just hush up and remember each of you.

[Lee Schierer]

As others have said, enjoy the day for what it is and take each day as it comes. You don't have to wait for the next holiday to celebrate together either. I lost my brother to pancreatic cancer several years ago, he was 3 years younger than me.

[Chris Padilla]

Belinda,

Pur yourself in her shoes and think about how you'd want to celebrate the holidays. That may give you an idea. If I was in such a situation, I wouldn't want to bring everyone down and I'd try to have as much fun as possible...I think! :)

[Mitchell Andrus]

Do anything you can do to assure her that:

She'll be remembered for her contributions,
You'll carry on in ways she'd approve of,
Others are better off for her influences, etc.,....

It's HER time to shine.

[Ted Shrader]

Belinda -

Our prayers will be with you and your family. The others have given the advice about letting your aunt set the tone. Seems like great advice and what I would do.

Regards,
ted

[Phyllis Meyer]

Belinda,

Sorry to hear about your Aunt/Sister! You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers!!

A difficult situation for sure, and there are no easy ways to get through this day. Family is so important, and it sounds like you all enjoy being with each other! Celebrate your Aunt's life! The prognosis isn't good, but treasure each moment you have with her!

Blessings to you and your entire family!
Sincerely,
Phyllis

[Rob Damon]

Belinda,

Sorry to hear, things like this are never easy.

But please let me pass on a little advice.

My Mother was diagnosed with Cancer and survived for 9 years, even though the doctors only gave her 3-6 months. In October of 1999, we were told that she had reached the end of her battle and would not last out the year. So we prepare a huge gathering of the family for Thanksgiving, as we thought it would be her last. She passed away two weeks before Thanksgiving, just 5 days after the doctors had told us the news. We never got the final Thanksgiving with her.

So PLEASE don't wait another minute, if there is anyway to spend time with her, don't wait assuming she may still be around.

Nobody knows how much time the Lord has given us.

Rob

[Belinda Barfield]

Again, thanks to all of you for your kind words, advice, and prayers. Jan is easily tired these days and I'm sure we are going to overwhelm her. Several offers were made to host Thanksgiving at other homes, but she insisted we all come to her house. Talk about a close family, let me see if I can make the convoluted connections for you.

About seven years ago my cousin, Kelly, met a lovely young lady named Melissa. They fell in love and married. Kelly is the son of my Aunt Hilda, who is Jan's sister. At Kelly's wedding Melissa's father met my Aunt Jan. They fell in love and subsequently married. So, Melissa's mother-in-law is also her aunt by marriage. Kelly and Melissa had children. Their grandmother, my aunt Jan, is also their great aunt. No, no blood connections here. So, as you can see, we are all one big, close, family. One of those families where the kids are interchangeable. Kids sort of belong to whomever they are with at any given time.

Sadly, Jan's husband lost his first wife to cancer also and I'm sure this is more difficult for him than I can imagine.

After some discussion today I think us "girls" are going on a cruise sometime between now and Christmas. If so I will post pics because that, my friends, will be a big time!

[Stephen Beckham]

Belinda,

Been through this with cancer twice and now starting a third (found out today about Mother in law - no speculations yet, but she's not going to fight it at all).

Only thing I can say is to shhhsh any talk about 'last anything' - it goes without saying and sometimes is wrong. We shared 'three' last Christmas's with Granny before she finally lost her battle to lung cancer - she lasted seven years with it - four more than the docs said she would. Not sure how far along your Aunt may be - but let her hear love and happiness in every breath - the only thing with last in front of it should be off of the menu - last piece of turkey, last piece of cake etc...

Heck - we lost an uncle to a stoke while waiting for Granny to pass - made us feel a bit silly of the attention given to all of her 'lasts' and had second thoughts as to how we had been treating each other...

Sure - there will be awkward moments, but don't allow isolation because of fear of saying something wrong in front of her... My 2 cents...

And my prayers....

[Don Bullock]

Belinda,
Times like this are always tough. I'm very sorry that your aunt doesn't have long to live. I lost my father-in-law, and friend, to the same type of cancer.

The way I get trough these time is to dwell on the great times we had together. While I am far from an expert in these things it seems to work for me. This Thanksgiving you have a chance that many of us who have lost loved ones suddenly would love to have had. Use it wisely to celebrate your lives together. It should be a joyous time for all.

My prayers are with you.

[Sonny Edmonds]

... The longer you live, the more you will outlive the ones you care for.
Best advise I can think of is to just be there.
Be there when she wants to talk. Listen.
Be there when she doesn't want to talk. Stay close.
Be away when she needs her space. Allow her to be solemn.
Be there if she needs to cry. Then cry with her for your sake as well as hers.
And open your heart and share all the wonderful things she has meant to you throughout your lives.
And when she does go, remember she is always, in all ways, right there...
Just look to your heart.
Nothing will ever take that away from you.

When I was 26, I buried my infant daughter. I've buried many a Friend and Family member since.
But each and every one still lives right here in my heart. The smiles, the tears, the laughter, and the love, lives on.
Because you live on.
Don't cry at the loss. Smile at the Warmth and Love you felt.

Thanksgiving has special memories for me as well. In 1994, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, my Dad succumbed to viral pneumonia.
So Thanksgiving sort of carries a bit of a cloud with it, but the silver lining is my Sisters and I. And how I can talk to Dad anytime now, don't need to travel or phone. Just a quiet moment.

OK now, she ain't dead yet. So there is a lot of living left to do.
Dry those tears and get ready for that Family party.
Make it a great one!
Just be there... ;)

[Judy Kingery]

Belinda,

Best thing I can tell you is be there. Just be. Sometimes it's difficult to be present in the moment, but that's what she has and what you have - together. And actually, truth be known, that's all any of us have. I don't know that that's sage advice, but I do know - it can work in times of sorrow and difficulty and sadness - is to be present and truly enjoy the here and now.

Sure thing, let her talk about anything she likes, listen well, and let her know of course, you love her. Most importantly, you're there for her.

My thoughts and prayers,

Jude

[Cliff Rohrabacher]

How do I gather with the family and make this a joyous occasion, and not an occasion that seems like a farewell?

Don't do anything even one tiny bit different than you usually do.

And may god be merciful.

[Belinda Barfield]

Again, to all of you, my heartfelt thanks for your advice and words of wisdom.

My father and I were talking over the weekend, he is Jan's oldest brother. He reminded me that we don't know exactly how long Jan has, and that she might live much longer, so we shouldn't make a big deal out of this get together. I reminded him that grandmother is turing 85 and we may not have another holiday with her either. So, at the risk of sounding maudlin, I think every time we are together should be a big deal.

When Jan was diagnosed last April she was given 3 months to two years. She took several courses of chemo and was scheduled to have a Whipple procedure in October. However, at the time of the procedure the surgeon determined that the cancer had spread too far, so he did a simplified procedure to connect the stomach directly to the small intestine. At that time Jan completely gave up and refused any further treatment. After a little time has passed though, and she took a long look at her five granddaughters, she decided to take more chemo after the holidays. So, as many of you have said, we really don't know how long she will be with us. I have discussed with her that new procedures and clinical trials are being developed all the time, so anything she can do to buy time may allow her to receive a treatment that will give a full recovery. But, I'm not the one who is completely incapacitated by the chemo either. She is still trying to choose between quality, and quantity, of life.

Thursday is just going to be one big party as far as I'm concerned, acting on advice from all of you. I'm going to get some large bubble makers from Wally World and help the granddaughters, various neices, nephews, and cousins put together a little parade and bubble show. Well, the four oldest granddaughters at least. The youngest isn't walking yet, so I'll get to do bubbles for her. Just a little something to entertain Jan and lighten the mood.

[Bob Moyer]

Belinda,

When you get to my age; one faces these situations more often than we like. IMO, a lot depends on the individual in this cause your aunt; my suggestion is to take your cue from her; console her when necessary; laugh with her whenever possible; enjoy the moments and share the time together; at times like these; you not only need to look at her needs, but the others around you; there is hurt everywhere; sometimes your help is needed more to those around you.

My wife is an OCN and if you need any questions answered let me know; we can do it via PM's; from personal experience I know exactly what you are going through; your aunt, you and your family are in my sincerest prayers; it is at times like these that one looks to God for answers and help; he is always there; sometimes conversation with him provides comfort even though you feel your prayers aren't being answered.

Bob

[Belinda Barfield]

Thank you Bob, for your kind offer. I will be in touch if I have questions, etc. I know that we should keep things upbeat for the children. I believe children are more sensitive to moods than we typically give them credit for, and are certain to sense that there is a difference in attitudes and interactions between family members. Preparing for the bubble parade will get them outside and give Jan a chance to rest a little during the day as well.

[mike holden]

Belinda,
My thoughts and prayers also.

My only advice beyond what I have read, is take the time, after the Holiday, to talk to her and SAY all the things you want to say to her; be sure to tell her you love her, OUT LOUD, she will appreciate it. Telling her what difference she made in your life will comort her (we all want to KNOW we made a difference).

It is very hard, but in some ways a gift - to be able to say goodbye while she can hear it.

Again my thoughts and prayers, and miracles DO happen!
Mike

[Brent Smith]

Hi Belinda,

I went through a similar situation with a very close friend. The best advise I can give is , make sure it doesn't seem like a funeral. Your Aunt certainly won't want that. She will want everyone to gather and have a good time, as much as possible as if nothing special is going on. The best gift my friend wanted was to spend time with her loved ones, not with a bunch of people tip toeing around her. You may have to make some concessions to her illness, but don't let them run the day.

[Belinda Barfield]

Belinda,
My thoughts and prayers also.

Telling her what difference she made in your life will comort her (we all want to KNOW we made a difference).

It is very hard, but in some ways a gift - to be able to say goodbye while she can hear it.

Again my thoughts and prayers, and miracles DO happen!
Mike

Thanks Mike. About last January or February I read something that brough back some really good memories of my grandfather, he passed away 25 years ago. I e-mailed my aunt Jan wtih a long list of things I remembered about him, and how much he meant to me. In that same e-mail I told her what an influence she has been in my life and how much I appreciate her. It was one of those spontaneous things, and looking back, I'm so glad I took the time to do it.


Hi Belinda,

I went through a similar situation with a very close friend. The best advise I can give is , make sure it doesn't seem like a funeral.

Brent,

As I noted earlier, this seeming like a funeral is one of my biggest concerns, mainly because we have family coming that we haven't seen in years. I don't want it to seem that we are all gathering to say goodbye. I guess I should give the majority of my family members credit for being older and much wiser than I, and realize that they have all been through this before.

I have much to be thankful for this year, as every year, and all of you here on the Creek are high on the list.

[Leigh Costello]

Belinda,
My heart bleeds for you, and my soul sings for you. Every year we go around the table - all 25 or 35 or so of fam and friends - and say one thing we are thankful for.

This year, I would say you have the best thing to be grateful for - one more day to say I love you to your Aunt-who-is-your-sister. Having lost both parents and one sibling, I would give just about anything for another chance to say thank you for being you and I love you.

Hang in there, keep your hanky handy and don't forget your Kodak moments.

And, above all Happy Thanksgiving, we all love you.

[Belinda Barfield]

Thanks again to all of you for your support. We had a wonderful holiday with 43 family members, from age 2 to 85. My aunt was in very good spirits, although she tired easily and I'm sure she was exhausted by the time we all went home. No tears, and lots of hugs and "I love yous" were shared. I hope all of you had an equally happy holiday. In the photo below (which isn't a very good one) my aunt Jan is on the far left.

102457

[Matt Ocel]

Belinda -
I went through the same thing with my mom a while ago. Pancreatic C.
Mom was diagnosed on Holloween and she made it three months.

The Holidays were treated as a farewell, we took out old photo albums, yearbooks etc. we laughed, we surley cried, but best of all, I got to say "Goodbye" to by mom.

Now I'm welling up.

Good Luck

[Pat Germain]

I'm glad you had a nice Thanksgiving, Belinda. It's a tough situation. As someone who lost four grandparents, numerous family friends and two brothers before I was fourty, I'd like to weigh in.

The passing of loved ones is traumatic and difficult, yet also a very big part of life. I think it's important to share this with children especially. I say this because when I was a kid, my family tried to keep me in the dark about what was going on leading up to and during a death in the family. And I wasn't allowed to attend funerals. It didn't make things easier. It made things more difficult.

I have known many adults who were absolutely devastated over the passing of a beloved pet. This is because they had no experience with death. Ever. I think they too were shielded from such things when they were young.

Thus, since you seem to have the best of attitudes for this situation, I hope you can find it in you to reach out to the young people in your family. It's likely nobody else has done this. Talk to them. Listen to them. Answer their questions as best you can. It's OK to say, "I don't know" when you don't know. I bet it will help you as much as it does them. :)

===========================================

On a more postive note, about that cruise. I recommend picking up a copy of "The Unofficial Guide to Cruises". Those Unofficial Guides are great books. This guide will help you to select the best cruise for you and your partners.

I would recommend at least taking a look at the Disney Cruise line. Many adults assume it's for kids and don't consider it. Yet, there will be kids on almost any cruise ship. On a Disney ship, there are many "adults only" areas which is a big help. Disney also has a private island in the Caribbean called "Castaway Cay". I've never been there, but everyone who has absolutely raves about it. It has an adults only beach. Disney cruises are more expensive than some, but it's well worth it. They are very highly rated among all cruise lines.

You should probably stay away from Carnival cruises unless you want only to maintain a drunken stupor during the entire voyage. That tends to be the primary objective of most Carnival cruisers. :rolleyes:

[Belinda Barfield]

Thanks for the advice Pat, on both fronts. My family never sheltered me from death, and I have been attending funerals for as long as I can remember. Maybe that accounts for my attitude. Jan was very open with her grandkids over the holiday (ages 6, 4, 4, and 2). She showed them her tummy scar and basically gave them enough information to satisfy their curiosity, without getting into all of the details. Their initial confusion was understandable as she couldn't pick them up, etc. Her attitude is very good currently. I will say one thing for her, hers has been a life well lived. I wish I could say the same for mine. I'm always putting things off until later when I have more money, or more time, or whatever. Jan's illness has really made me take a hard look at my life.

Thanks again for your kind words and support.

[Pat Germain]

I'm glad to hear the grandkids were included in what's going on.

My biggest lesson learned from losing so many loved ones: live now! While frugality is important, far too many people postpone their dreams until they can no longer be achieved. My parents and brother live in Oklahoma where there are a lot of people who never leave the county. This isn't because staying close to home makes them happy. They're just too scared or too busy making excuses.

Book that trip trip through the Grand Canyon in a wooden dorey. Take the grandkids to see Mickey at Walt Disney World. Drive to Cocoa Beach and watch a Space Shuttle launch. Go see the Wright Flyer at the Smithsonian. Tour Yosemite and Yellowstone. Climb the trail to Machu-Picchu. Walk the remote sections of the Great Wall of China. Enjoy a Pilsner at Oktoberfest in Munich. Eat snails on the Left Bank. Our world is just so amazing. It's a shame not to see at least some of it.

Last night I saw a show on Discovery Channel about Steve Fosset. Now there's a guy who knew how to live! Most of us don't have the resources Fosset had. But most of us also don't make the best of what we do have.

Indeed, live now, baby. Live now. ;)