PDA

View Full Version : humor column



Jay Johnstone
04-04-2008, 3:53 PM
I've been tinkering with the idea of submitting an occasional humor column to my local newspaper in the future. Many friends have told me I possess a talent for writing ala Miami Herald columnist, Dave Barry. Well, I don't know about that but I thought I'd share this piece I recently scribbled while bored at work one day. Hope y'all get a chuckle or two from it.

Always Something About Nothing

Chances are good I'd say, that you've probably heard someone mention this cliché a time or two, or, maybe even said it yourself -- 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it.'
Sound familiar? The popular phrase is commonly used by all men (eventually) to suggest against tinkering with something that seems to function well enough for its purpose -- namely, an appliance, lawnmower, etc. -- to either enhance its performance or restore a faulty mode back to operational status. We have learned by experience, you see, that to risk fiddling around with a gadget that we have no business fiddling with could ultimately spell doom for the poor device; not to mention our losing a hat size or two from the dreaded ego harpoon. If you’re a guy who denies having fallen victim to this, then, shame on you -- for lying.

Then, there exists a clever few who, by virtue of needing spousal approval to purchase a new gadget, see it worth the risk in tampering with, say, an old weed-whacker. This is simply because what they're really after is either, a. - to carelessly tear into it, while making an attempt to fool themselves into thinking the prognosis is extremely dire, or, b. - to screw it up beyond repair (but never on purpose) so as to develop an overall realistic persona of sadness while breaking the tragic news to their wives. The latter, b., is known as the top-secret, 'If It Ain't Broke, Then Break It', Male Malfunction Maneuver.

The critical, key element here would entail the ability to fool oneself into actually believing the failed attempt at improving the weed-whacker's condition - beyond that of factory specs - was not only justified, but vitally needed. The reason this is so important, of course, lie in the fact that all good wives are human lie detectors. Yes, if their hubby is trying to pull a fast one, then they will easily recognize it - every time - while also making him feel like an idiot.

To successfully pull off b. can be rather tricky. It involves careful strategic planning; the extent of which is directly relevant to the cost of the gadget he seeks. The author of this article has provided the following example:

Let's say Bob desperately needs that new top-of-the-line, prestigious brand of jigsaw that just hit the hardware stores and, woe is him; he won't be sampling Santa's cookies for another seven months. He must begin phase one early Saturday morning, by quietly slipping out of bed before Mary, his wife.

Clad in Saturday casual attire, he performs a few minor, but necessary chores before disappearing into his basement workshop where he waits in silence twiddling his thumbs. Next, after he is certain his spouse is up reading the paper he brought in and drinking the coffee that he made, curiosity is raised by creating an assortment of subtle tinkering sounds while dismantling the saw. IMPORTANT: Under no circumstances should any noise be made while one's spouse is still asleep otherwise, it could have an adverse effect thus ruining the entire operation.

About thirty minutes later, he executes the final step of phase one by greeting his lovely spouse good morning, followed by a smooch. Smiling is not recommended here however, if it cannot be avoided it should be of the cynical type, i.e. a clear indication that something is wrong.

Bob: Morning, honey.

Mary: There you are. Morning to you, too, sweetie. *kiss* I heard you working in your shop. Are you making something?

Bob: Nope.

Mary: Ok, you must be tidying up, then.

Bob: unh-unh.

Mary: No? Well then... I give up. Whatcha doin'?

Bob: Nothing.

After minimal conversation, Bob uses the restroom then returns to his shop. Closing the door behind him, a slight grin breaks out on his face. Mary should be well aware, you see, that his answer of 'nothing' to her question is a definite, sure-fire sign of 'something'.

More tinkering sounds ensue as phase two gets underway except this time Bob is going to increase the decibel level two-fold - a tall order since a jig-saw isn't very big. Also, as tasteless as this may sound, Bob will carefully orate a few choice expletives to convey his troubles to Mary. (For those who find this a challenge, a sharp blow to the thumb with a ball-peen hammer is always 100% effective)

At last, the afternoon has arrived. By this time, Bob is so weary of his act that he is bummed-out for real regardless of the shape his saw is in, and this is ideal for it is now time to commence the crucial final step of phase two.

Exhausted, perspiring and dirty; the frustration of his fruitless efforts painted all over his face, Bob decides to accept defeat and call it a day.
He climbs the basement stairs and heads for the kitchen to make a sandwich, kindly refusing Mary's offer to make it for him. Lunch made, he decides to pass up the Celtics vs Trail Blazers, opting to join Mary in the den for the latest episode of, Woman's Weekend Digest.

Mary: Honey? Are you ok?

Bob: Yea, why?

Mary: Why? Because the last time you acted like this, the centrifugal harmonic-balancing positioning cam on the lawnmower gave out. I remember it well; the tears in your eyes; your bruised self-esteem; the... the... oh my gosh!

Bob: What?

Mary: Bobby! What on earth happened to your thumb? Let me see.

Bob: Oh, it’s nothing… ouch! Easy there!

Mary: Nothing? Baloney! Now, tell me. What have you been up to down there?

Bob: In the basement?

Mary: (scowl)

Bob: Nothing!

Expressing a look of dejection with watery eyes (aided by fresh sliced onion), Bob proceeds to explain in great detail a wealth of knowledge about 'nothing', while making sure to keep eye contact with his wife to a minimum. Mary learns what an orbital guide bearing shaft-sleeve gizmo is - no doubt a vital part - and why a busted one of those has rendered the tool worthless in robbing the jig from Bob's saw.

Hook, line and sinker. She went for it -- Yes!

To finalize my example; on this particular day things panned out pretty much how Bob had hoped. Most importantly, he avoided the extremely humiliating task of having to beg, as Mary told him to 'just go get a new saw'. Of course, one should never, ever expect to get something for nothing, nope. It just doesn't work that way.

Mary: Aw, you're welcome honey. I can't stand to see my guy miserable. But... before you make a mad dash for the hardware store, I do have a favor to ask.

Bob: Sure, sweetie. Anything. Anything at all.

Mary: My stupid old sewing machine *sigh* – it’s got this irritating shimmy thing going on and I can’t figure out what to do about it, but -- I’m sure you can.

So, off to the mall they go. Bob gets the pricey jigsaw he wanted; the kids get ice cream and Mary gets a new sewing machine that cost nearly twice that of the jigsaw. As it turns out -- oblivious to him -- sly Mary sort of turned the tables on Bob as she merely used 'strategic' timing to her advantage. Any other day, Bob might have been able to fix her machine, you see, however: 1. - since he’d been given the green light to purchase a new saw, his mental focus had become strictly limited to that, and 2. - he hates burning valuable time off fooling around with things that aren't his anyway. -- Thus, he simply diagnosed her machine with a worn ‘wobulator doohickey’ and deemed it unfeasible to repair.

Ok. There you have it. Please bear in mind -- a necessary component to providing educational material of this nature is the willingness to research. Hence -- I, for one, cannot truthfully claim having any real, historical involvement in pertinence with the above examples -- honest. There is, however, one piece of advice I can personally vouch for - 'If your thumb's broke, get to the ER, because -- only a doctor can fix that.'

Reed Wells
04-04-2008, 4:57 PM
Jay, Laughed my Azz off. I didn't know you were friends with my next door neighbor.