Self-Justification

[Mark Taylor]

Friends,
I know this is no place to discuss marital disagreements, but I'm in a
bind. I have a modest, but nice, shop in the basement. Since last summer,
I've wanted to buy a bandsaw. I started a bass-ackward approach by
buying three blades, then Carter guides. Two weeks ago I ordered the saw. This morning at 7:05 AM my wife answered the phone. The trucking
dispatcher told her there was a 500lb 6ft tall box on one of their trucks and when would be a good time to deliver. She said 'never' and then told
me 'No more tools.' Can anyone suggest a VITAL NEED for a bandsaw?

Mark Taylor

[Al Willits]

Well, I told Beasty I'd build her kitchen cabinets.:)

Might ask her what she'd like if you got the saw, not sure what ya all have going, but if your getting stuff and she isn't, I could see why she'd say "no more".

Al...either way...good luck

[Tim Morton]

Friends,
I know this is no place to discuss marital disagreements, but I'm in a
bind. I have a modest, but nice, shop in the basement. Since last summer,
I've wanted to buy a bandsaw. I started a bass-ackward approach by
buying three blades, then Carter guides. Two weeks ago I ordered the saw. This morning at 7:05 AM my wife answered the phone. The trucking
dispatcher told her there was a 500lb 6ft tall box on one of their trucks and when would be a good time to deliver. She said 'never' and then told
me 'No more tools.' Can anyone suggest a VITAL NEED for a bandsaw?

Mark Taylor

It always works better if you can actually get it in the house and set up and THEN ask for forgiveness. Maybe scratch it up a litle and say you bought it from a woman at work whos father passed away....and can you believe she only wanted $300 bucks for it....and then show her the price if you had bought it brand new:D:D

As for a vital need...take a look in her closet to see if any of her shoes need to have the heels leveled......:-)

[Pat Germain]

In my 24 years of marriage, I have found practicallity is of no value to most women. So, arguing how useful a bandsaw is would be futile.

In fact, for most women, the less practical an object is, the more they value it. Tools? Forget it. Clothing? Nice, but it still has some practical use. Perfume? Now you're talking. Jewelry? It's the ultimate, baby!

So, I recommend buying your wife the most expensive, least practical thing you can afford. You'd be amazed how far this will go when you want to buy some tools.

Sorry for stereotyping, but these are my observations. The women here on SMC seem to be somewhat unique. ;)

[Jude Tuliszewski]

WOW, sorry no sage advice but to say good luck.

[Joe Pelonio]

Buy her an $8,000 embroidery sewing machine that connects to the computer.

[Pat Germain]

Buy her an $8,000 embroidery sewing machine that connects to the computer.

WAY too practical. An $8,000 ring would go over much better. Remember, if it plugs into a wall socket, it's a bad idea. ;)

[Mitchell Andrus]

Tell her you're looking into becoming a magician and you need it to cut a woman in half.

[Mark Taylor]

Al, I think you are the closest;
Christmas is coming and she can guess that the saw is expensive. More
money could have been spent on her and the kids if I hadn't ordered it.
But because I'm now retired, everyone has been told to expect less in the
way of presents, and more in the way of advice. But my wife is different,
she deserves a present too. I will give her one. Thanks.

[Frank Hagan]

Friends,
I know this is no place to discuss marital disagreements, but I'm in a
bind. I have a modest, but nice, shop in the basement. Since last summer,
I've wanted to buy a bandsaw. I started a bass-ackward approach by
buying three blades, then Carter guides. Two weeks ago I ordered the saw. This morning at 7:05 AM my wife answered the phone. The trucking
dispatcher told her there was a 500lb 6ft tall box on one of their trucks and when would be a good time to deliver. She said 'never' and then told
me 'No more tools.' Can anyone suggest a VITAL NEED for a bandsaw?


It would be a shame to buy the saw and never get it. Or pay a 20% restock fee on something that expensive, plus shipping charges both ways. You're out a couple of hundred at least.

I assume she earns the money, or half of it? Or there's something pending in the household that needs to be done with the money you would spend on your hobby? Perhaps woodworking in the basement isn't a good hobby for you ... drinking beer with your buddies might be a good alternative. Are there sports bars in your area? You know, like Hooters? That might be better than working in the basement.

Of course, when you spend your money that way, its gone forever and you have nothing to show for it (well, you do get to pee more). :rolleyes:

Give her Dr. Laura books for Christmas. Oh, give them anonymously. Start with "Care and Feeding of Husbands".

The other option besides starting WWIII is to improve the relationship. We have to work at it, because it doesn't come naturally. Touch her non-sexually 7 times a day. COUNT. But not out loud. A hug, a pat, a hand on the shoulder. 7 times, every day, without fail. No matter how busy you are, touch her 7 times a day. By about the third day she'll say "what's got into you?" By the fifth day she won't care.

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Mark.......I know it's a little late for this advice but....

I find it easier to grovel.....do a lot of it........whine.........do a lot of it.......sob.....do a lot of it.......BEFORE you order the tool. My wife gets tired of my routine and caves in every time!:eek::rolleyes::D


Besides the LOML is a lefty and fanatical base ball fan and she knows how to swing a bat!:D

[Rich Stewart]

Practice your best boo-boo face in the mirror. Bottom lip stuck out, eyes looking downward. See if you can muster a tear or two. Tell her all your friends are laughing at your workshop.

[David G Baker]

I am waiting for the feminine side to add to this.

[Greg Cole]

Mark,
Thats a tough one.... here's my 0.02
I drive a truck that's been paid for going on 6 years now for a reason (just hit 100K last weekend) . I also brown bag lunch 4-5 days a week for that same reason. I don't have to keep driving my old truck if I really wanted a new one.... BUT I can do alot of "stuff" hobby-shop-WW'ing wise with the 600-800 a month I don't spend on a truck payment and garbage food.:D I make very minor sacrifices in her eyes to do as I want hobby wise, these are minor to me 'cuase I LOVE my truck and will keep it even when I do buy a new one and brown bagging lunch gets me out of work a wee bit earlier. Some sacrifices huh?:D:D:D
The advise about non-practical gifts for her isn't a bad one. Perfect example, my LOML's b-day was 11/04 and I gave her a tennis bracelet 'cause she wanted one for Christmas (now is better than later). On 11/08 I had a new bandsaw in the truck when I got home.... the wife was on her cell with her mom and all she said was "must be my husband bought something expensive, cause it's big & looks heavy". ;)
Every relationship is very much different than the next & only you know your wife well enough to know what to do..... but were I in this predicament that saw wouldn't be going anywhere but da shop (then again I won't even return a meal in a restaurant even if it's not what I ordered...)

Cheers.

Greg

[Heather Thompson]

I am waiting for the feminine side to add to this.


I just bought a Powermatic 66 from a fellow Creeker yesterday, LOML was a little unsettled at first, then I explained the deal I got and the safety issues of a left tilt blade. For my birthday in 2005 he bought me a very impractical gift, Clifton #4 and helped to pay for a six week intensive woodworking class in Canada. :D The only advice I can give is to get her into the shop and make some sawdust together.

Heather

[Larry James]

I suggest, Dear Abby... The advise from this bunch is pitiful.

[Roy Hatch]

I was just considering calling a marriage counselor to help me decide whether to cut pins or tails first.

Roy

[Dave Anderson NH]

Sue never questions anything I buy for the shop and equally I never question any of her golf purchases. We're empty nesters now and feel that we've earned the right to indulge ourselves. More to the point of your situation, Make something she wants for the house. I'm in the midst of completely revamping our first floor with all new door and window moldings and window sills, a set of French Doors between the front and rear halves of the living room, and installing a built in hutch/wine cellar in the old dining room closet. Sue hasn't had to lift a hand, even on the painting which I absolutely hate. Mucho, mucho brownie points and a brand new compressor for the shop along with the accessories like hose and assorted nail guns.

The bottom line is that life is good for both of us, it's all a win-win.

[Bonnie Campbell]

I'm one of the weird women..... For my birthday I asked for a ladder so I could paint the kitchen. For our anniversary, I had a couple rolls of paper towels I'd gotten for a survey, we each got a 'matching roll' of paper towels :D We both know our finances, we get what we need/want as we can afford it without comparing what the other spent. It's worked well for us.

BUT.... you might want to ask your wife how you can make it right. It might be easier than you think (without having to return anything ;) ) Communication is top priority.

[Jim Becker]

Well...marriage is a partnership and sometimes there is a need to compromise and/or position these activities. It's hard to give secure advise to you on my part, however, as Professor Dr. SWMBO and I maintain our own separate accounts and avocations...getting married later in life is part of that, I think.

Perhaps your conversation will need to revolve around what woodworking does for you, both emotionally as well as the fact that it is a wholesome activity. So many folks blow a lot of money on things that leave nothing to show for it. At least our hobby lets us create things, and spend our free time at home...

This advice is null and void, however, if there are real financial reasons for her concern... IMHO, of course.

[Tony De Masi]

From to well known jewelery commercials:

1. " Diamonds, they'll take her breath away"
2. " Diamonds, they'll leave her speechless"

Translation?????????

" Diamonds, they'll shut her up"

JK, but I bet it will work.

Tony

[Brad Schmid]

Sounds like the 500lb, 6 ft box is the only problem...
Try ordering it piece by piece from the parts list :rolleyes::D:D:D:D:D

[Greg Peterson]

You taking offers on the band saw?

[Jude Kingery]

Hey guys, I'm with Heather and Bonnie (the female side) as well as Jim. Glen and I talk about a purchase first, "communication is a top priority," amen to that - and then second of all, we both support each other in doing as we like.

I think it's great my husband bought a new boat motor, and the other day he bought a new rifle, which is outstanding because he loves to fish and hunt! I enjoy what makes him happy - at the same time - he supports the things I like to buy.

And no, it's NOT jewelry and stuff like that, (I've worn the same gold wedding band, watch, and earrings for years and years) - it IS wood turning tools! We have two lathes and I keep both working with something on each of them virtually all the time. I really enjoy the shop and woodworking, and flying kites, too, have about 20 different kites.

So we just communicate and support each other totally in each others' interests. Neither of us have extravagant tastes; buy just a little something for each other for Christmas and make a charitable contribution and donate to the Creek!

Best to you Mark, she really just might want to have been consulted first instead of surprised. I'm one of those women who absolutely have no problem with what my husband purchases, but I don't like surprises. A kinda female trait is we like to "plan" for stuff, i.e. where to put it, etc. Goes back to communication. I really hope for you the best. Oh! My husband also went with me to Colorado to pick up a bandsaw I bought off eBay. Laguna, really nice, so we had a great trip and a fun time - and a new bandsaw! Take care! Jude

[JayStPeter]

Just start racing cars or motorcycles. She'll be dying for you to just buy the occasional tool :cool:

[Kevin French]

Wow, gott'a new Bandsaw purchase coming up next year myself. But unlike you, I did the prep work. I took LOML/SWMBO on her dream europe vacation this year.

Proper, Prior, Planning, Prevents, Piss, Poor, Preformance, aka new bandsaw.

[Bart Leetch]

I have never purchased a tool that costs over a few dollars $20-$30 that the LOML didn't hear me looking at catalogs or reading on the internet etc. showing her pictures explaining how it works & what it will do to help make something etc. I don't do this for any reason other than I want to share my thoughts with her but it does end up preparing her for the eventuality that I may some day make the purchase. It also helps me think things through. sometimes I don't buy the item I am looking at & get something else but that is part of the process. LOML even went with me to buy a DC one time & I was looking at the 1.5 hp DC & she said wouldn't this 2 hp DC & Long Ranger remote be a better choice well you know what I went home with.

Your wife would really flip tell her you only want 1 band- saw & you know of a guy that has almost 2 of everything & 3 lathes because he set up his own shop & now has received his Dad's tools too.

So what does the LOYL have to be thankful for? Her own home, furniture, maybe her own hobby stuff, clothes, a car & anything else you may be able to think of. Or is there somewhere that you've been delinquent or over spent in the past? I am not saying you have but there is always 2 sides to a story.:)

[David G Baker]

I have to agree with the feminine side. Surprises can create some serious stress. Communication is critical. I am not the type of male that buys bling so I may be a disappointment in that area but I do buy Kitchen-aid appliances and almost anything else that makes life easier.

[Marvin Hasenak]

Sounds like a some of you need to try communicating with your other half on a more frequent basis. I cannot imagine being in a marriage where one of the spouses doesn't know what the other needs or wants.

Marvin

[Martin Shupe]

The only advice I can give is to get her into the shop and make some sawdust together.

Heather

Heather, could you talk to my wife about this? I've invited her into the shop numerous times, but she keeps saying no.:(

Then again, I can't complain much, she lets me buy what I want, as long as the budget allows. She has asked that I put off more lumber purchases for a while, seems she thinks my stash is big enough.:o

For the OP, I think the guy who already mentioned my idea is correct. Ask your wife if she would rather have you spend the money on beer down at your local Hooters. I am sure she will find tools a better option.

[Stephen Beckham]

I guess the vacuum is out?!?!? :eek:

Glad I waited to see what everyone else said before I suggested it... :D

[David G Baker]

Stephen,
A vacuum would be a great idea if she was pushing a broom.

[Rob Russell]

Buy her a Roomba ...

[Rich Stewart]

I just had another idea. Tell her you want to get into laser engraving. I think the cheapest laser engraver I ever saw was like 15,000 bucks with some serious annual upkeep. When she balks at that, tell her about the bandsaw.

[John Bailey]

500 lb. Bandsaw that's a surprise to your wife!!:eek::eek: What were we thinking? You're toast. Anyhow, I'll help you out here. Just PM me and I'll take it off your hands. I've got plenty of rental storage in my shop and it won't cost you much per month. Just send it on over.:D

John

[Lee Schierer]

Well, there's only one way out that I can see, tell her that now you have to buy presents for all the relatives instead of making bandsawn boxes with the new band saw that she sent back.

And if that doesn't work, then you better make that addition on the dog house.

[Mark Taylor]

Friends,
Thanks to all who replied. I caused the problem by not telling my wife first.
I am reminded of the man who was about to be hanged, and was asked if
he had any last words. He answered "I just want to say, this will surely be
a lesson to me."

[Joe Mioux]

I have the opposite problem. Anna is begging me to build a dedicated workshop for my woodworking tools. She hates seeing them in the garage and knows i have so little time to enjoy using them. She also appreciates the time it takes for me to roll all the tools out into the garage, hook up the dc, etc.

I used to play golf and hunt, but the time constraints placed on me have rendered those activities impractical.

woodworking is just about the perfect hobby. you stay at home. sometimes your family wants to participate, you can start and stop anytime you wish. Whether you walk out to the shop to sand a table top that takes 5 minutes or plan a whole day around major tools and wood manipulations, your family always knows where you are and you know where they are.

Anna doesn't say much about the tool acquistions, (which is nearing an end anyway), but she does have problems with me building things for other people when she wants things built for the house. i.e. girls beds, entertainment center, dining table, china cabinet, etc.

Also, don't forget, that there are many activities that both you and your wife can do together while woodworking. lathes, scroll saws, hand tools, big stuff.

Some of the best use of my tools is when i am out there and Anna or the kids come out and just want to talk......with no tv. just private time.

yea, it is an expensive hobby, but so is fishing in a $20,000 bass boat.

you buy these tools and over a lifetime the cost really becomes miniscule.

hth
joe

[Rich Engelhardt]

Hello,

Mark, it's all relative! LOL!
I put up with her relatives,,,she puts up with my hobbies! :D

Today is Thanksgiving!
We get to spend some quality time with her side of the family.
Naturally, since we two are the only ones that managed to master the art of spelling (can you spell j-o-b?),,,we have to supply the big chick(s) - two 20# ones and a turkey breast.
We were both up until ~ 3:00am roasting and carving them for this afternoon's 'gathering of the vultures".

A good visual of the upcoming carnage would be to imagine a room full of life sized Pez dispensers - all with the top open and mouths agape. Or - a giant bird nest with >20 "baby bird" mouths all open crying "feed me - give me money!!!".

Pfffft! $500.00 band saw my eye - I figure after today, I rate a Ferrari..:eek::D.

'course after dropping ~ $20K on the "Pez People" over the last couple of years - best we can afford is a $29.00 wagon from Ace Hardware....

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!

[Jim Becker]

Rich, you should have saved the carving for in front of the "vultures" and brought out your Sawsall with the big long blade to do the deed!!!

[Cliff Rohrabacher]

Maybe the band saw shouldn't be the subject of the discussion.

[David G Baker]

Cliff,
I think the topic "is" being discussed, its the thread title that needs changing.

[Rich Engelhardt]

Jim,
HaHa! LOL!
One reason SWMBO wanted me to carve @ home, is she's leary of me having a long sharp knife in my hand around them. ;)
(long, long story - this year)

My "plan" is to have my mother in law do me a favor, and put her foot down right off the bat by telling everyone it's a holiday - a family holiday, and there's some topics that are off limits for the day.

"Ma" is great! She's usually real low-key and quiet. When she puts her foot down though,,everyone knows better than to cross her :D

Hmm, come to think of it, the punkin pies need cut. I'm always the designated "cutter".

Now just where'd I put that doggone Poulan...:eek::D

[Cliff Rohrabacher]

Cliff,
I think the topic "is" being discussed, its the thread title that needs changing.

I wasn't thinking of the one here on the creek.

[Art Mulder]

SWMBO and I maintain our own separate accounts and avocations...getting married later in life is part of that, I think.

Not necessarily. My wife and I live in a single-earner household, and all our finances are in common. However, we still have a family budget, and within that, both of us have a monthly allowance of "personal" money. So I can buy whatever I want ... as long as I save up my "personal" money to do so. So can she. It's quite freeing.



Friends,
Thanks to all who replied. I caused the problem by not telling my wife first.

I suspected something like this, and am glad that you said so. I hope things go smoother with your wife in future. Communication is a key thing in my marriage, and in most, I bet.


Maybe the band saw shouldn't be the subject of the discussion.

This! :p

[Pat Germain]

Hey guys, I'm with Heather and Bonnie (the female side) as well as Jim. Glen and I talk about a purchase first, "communication is a top priority," amen to that - and then second of all, we both support each other in doing as we like.

I think it's great my husband bought a new boat motor, and the other day he bought a new rifle, which is outstanding because he loves to fish and hunt! I enjoy what makes him happy - at the same time - he supports the things I like to buy.

And no, it's NOT jewelry and stuff like that, (I've worn the same gold wedding band, watch, and earrings for years and years) - it IS wood turning tools! We have two lathes and I keep both working with something on each of them virtually all the time. I really enjoy the shop and woodworking, and flying kites, too, have about 20 different kites.

So we just communicate and support each other totally in each others' interests. Neither of us have extravagant tastes; buy just a little something for each other for Christmas and make a charitable contribution and donate to the Creek!

Best to you Mark, she really just might want to have been consulted first instead of surprised. I'm one of those women who absolutely have no problem with what my husband purchases, but I don't like surprises. A kinda female trait is we like to "plan" for stuff, i.e. where to put it, etc. Goes back to communication. I really hope for you the best. Oh! My husband also went with me to Colorado to pick up a bandsaw I bought off eBay. Laguna, really nice, so we had a great trip and a fun time - and a new bandsaw! Take care! Jude

Jude, if you weren't already married, I expect you'd be getting numerous proposals for marriage by now. ;)

Thanks for sharing a woman's perspective.

[Jude Kingery]

Pat, thank you, that was such a nice thing to say. Yep, we've been together about 28 years and we still happen to think each other hung the moon! Have a good one! Jude

[David G Baker]

I wasn't thinking of the one here on the creek.
Cliff,
I wasn't either, but if I did and the LOML read it I would be in deep @#$&.

[Brian Weick]

I have to say this: It all starts with communication~ If your trying to sneak things into the house without her knowing about it, something isn't write here. I wouldn't want my significant other doing that to me , I would be extremely upset , more so disappointed. Know there is a trust issue and relationships are based on trust, once that goes~ your marriage is in jeopardy. Unfortunately, but realistically ~ bills come first, then the sideline purchases. I was once was where you are now and I can tell you it is not a wise choice to purchase "high ticket and expensive items" without discussing them with your wife. I believe that it is more less, relationship maintenance to discuss any issues first that are going to impact your finances and your family, it might not always go your way at the moment, but she will appreciate the fact that you think enough of her not to go behind her back and respect you a lot more for that- as long as it is reciprocal and she does the same with you. You may get that BS but , is it the write timing? I was going to get a BS earlier, but there are bills to pay , and the holiday is just around the corner-work is slowing down ~ not a good time to spend over $1000 wright now. Mark, Eventually , or maybe sooner than you think , she will agree to it, It's not a matter of personal justification in my opinion, and you should think about it, reverse the situation ~ then think about your actions.
Why some women have 30 pairs of shoes is beyond me, but if that makes them happy ~great, Now those shoes aren't going to make money , or help pay the bills, but they make her feel important and it makes her happy. you add all of that up theres at least $1200 in shoes, but it's a little bit here and a little bit there- not all at once, usually-:eek:
Just try to remember the family has to come first- those things that are the most important to you, then the extras. This is just my opinion Mark , based on my experiences. You should be able to get those things that you enjoy and have them in your shop, I totally agree with you , There should be a give and take process between the both of you - you will get what you would like , but you have to return the gesture some day to her. I don't know what your marriage is like and it is none of my business - but the major problem in most marriages of today is communication, it either starts there, or ends there.
My 2 cents
Brian

[Al Willits]

"""""""""
yea, it is an expensive hobby, but so is fishing in a $20,000 bass boat.
""""""""

Haven't bought a boat lately have ya? :D


Seems ordering with out telling ma was the big mistake here, sounds like ya figured that out and hopefully next time will go easier.

I usually bring up whatever item I happen to want at the moment to the shebeast and she decides whether "we" need it or not, if its one of them "we" don't need items, I end up buying it out of my stash fund..you do have a stash fund..right???

All this keys around how we're doing financially at the time though.

Bringing up the $2k drum sander right after the new boat didn't go over real well, considering beasty's kitchen is still missing the cabinets I swore I'd make with all the other wood working tools I bought, and haven't quite got to yet....

Timing can be everything....:D

Patience is a virtue, is another saying that may work here, tell her you want a $600? saw, and what does she want?

Start a fund to get these items, she gets something, you get the saw.
Takes a bit, but you do get a saw, which is a bit more than what you have now, which is a po'd wife and a saw disappearing over the horizon.

Either way, good luck..:)

Al

[Brian Weick]

[I usually bring up whatever item I happen to want at the moment to the shebeast and she decides whether "we" need it or not, if its one of them "we" don't need items, I end up buying it out of my stash fund..you do have a stash fund..right???]


the "SheBeast! I like it, hope she has a good sence of humor Al.
Brian

[David G Baker]

[I usually bring up whatever item I happen to want at the moment to the shebeast and she decides whether "we" need it or not, if its one of them "we" don't need items, I end up buying it out of my stash fund..you do have a stash fund..right???]


the "SheBeast! I like it, hope she has a good sence of humor Al.
Brian
Brian,
I am quite sure that "shebeast" has an appropriate name for Al that is equally endearing.
Every time I see the "shebeast" name I get a mental tickle.
David- who loves the little post endings that Al uses.

[Al Willits]

To bore some, I'll repeat myself again, Lori is with out a doubt my life, she stood by me when I was doing things like drinking to much, off trying to become a pro fisherman, drag racing a motorcycle, competitive pistol shooting and a half dozen other things I've went anal over during our relationship, she also stood by and held us together when I had a brain abscess and was given less than a 2% chance of making it, then add almost 6 months of rehab and almost losing everything because of my not being able to work.

In over 25 years of marriage, we have had tremendous highs and unfortunately tremendous lows and we have been there for each other.

She is with out a doubt, the best thing to ever happen to me......well....except when she gets really mad.....that's where the Shebeast comes from....:D

Sorry to have taken the topic off subject, just wanted to mention that its with love I call her Beasty.

Al...well, the beatings I get help too.....:)

[Leigh Costello]

Another opininon from the "female side"...

First, yes, communication is very important.
Second, if she doesn't want to share your sawdust, that's okay.
Three, show some enthusiasm or feign interest in one of her hobbies, maybe even try it out with her. Then, when the project is finished, ask again about doing some woodworking with you.

That is precisely how "his workshop" became "our workshop" and how we have learned a lot about each other.

Like my Mom always said, "if it's his you better know how to use it in case he gets stuck in it!"

Like my Dad always said, "yes, dear."