Airline Pilots (A little Friday humor)

[Aaron Koehl]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the
aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics
read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower
half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground
crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the
solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only
major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)







P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Lars Thomas]

While not as funny as your list Aaron, here's a few pixs of some aircraft mishaps.

[Wolf Kiessling]

[
That is REALLY, REALLY rich. I'm having trbl typing reply because I'm still laughing so hard.

Wolf

[Martin Shupe]

The NW commuter pic was supposedly taken in MEMphis.

It is even more frustrating when you write a gripe, and make it as detailed as possible, and the mech signs it off as "could not duplicate on deck", or "ops checks normal". Then you fly the same aircraft again, and the gripe is still there, exactly the same as before.

Don't get me wrong, the mechs do a great job under very demanding conditions, but sometimes trying to troubleshoot a problem, from both the pilot's and mech's perspective, is difficult.

In today's world, a lot of times they "fix" things by simply swapping boxes out until they find the one that is broken. Sometimes that takes a couple of attempts before they find the correct box.

For that reason, every commercial aircraft has a large book called an MEL, which stands for Minimum Equipment List. If something is broken, you look in the book, and it tells you if it can be deferred. That means you fly with it broken, usually for a defined amount of time. Sometimes there are restrictions associated with the deferral. Of course, if any of the paperwork is done incorrectly, you will get a fine or possibly license suspension (mech and pilot) from the FAA. Needless to say, it is in everyone's best interest to make sure the paperwork is correct.

Oh, and those black boxes they always talk about? They are painted international orange, so you can find them in the wreckage.

You know what they say about FedEx pilots...you can try to drown them, burn them up, flip them upside down, and run them into the ground, you just can't kill them (yet). We lead the industry in successful ground egresses, a record we did not seek. :(

Of course, in the movies, they die so the hero jumpseater can have a flashlight so he can look at the pic of his fiance at night.

Martin, currently B727 First Officer

[Dennis Peacock]

(Martin, currently B727 First Officer)....

Martin.....you're one lucky dude....!!!!!!!:)

I have ALWAYS wanted to work around aircraft and fly as well....but I never could get into the school. I tried to get in while in the Air Force, but they wanted me working with.....explosives...instead. Sheesh, what did they want me to do in the first place....go to work with the mafia?

You are SO lucky......I love aircraft and love to fly. When I traveled a good bit, I used to take flights that had long layovers so I could sit and watch the planes land/takeoff and watch the ground crews. Just a dream of mine since age of 5.

[Jim Rahbe]

Martin,

I always did like the smell of JP4 in the morning…

While not a pilot, I have been up a few times in the back seat of F4’s. Once wrote up the rear radarscope as “Goes blank under G’s”. Of course they couldn’t duplicate it, so they just waited until I came in and assigned that one to me…

[Martin Shupe]

(Martin, currently B727 First Officer)....

Martin.....you're one lucky dude....!!!!!!!:)

I have ALWAYS wanted to work around aircraft and fly as well....but I never could get into the school. I tried to get in while in the Air Force, but they wanted me working with.....explosives...instead. Sheesh, what did they want me to do in the first place....go to work with the mafia?

You are SO lucky......I love aircraft and love to fly. When I traveled a good bit, I used to take flights that had long layovers so I could sit and watch the planes land/takeoff and watch the ground crews. Just a dream of mine since age of 5.

Dennis,

I always wanted to fly too. In 1979, when I was going to college, I almost went to Texas A&M for Air Force ROTC. However, at that time, only the first couple guys in each class got a pilot slot. I asked what I would have to do if I couldn't be a pilot. They said I could be a missile silo officer. Well, I didn't want to be one of those, or take that chance, so I went to forestry school.

In 1986, I am finishing an MS in Forestry, but I still want to fly. I start taking lessons. I am living on $700 a month, and spending $200 on flying lessons. Talk about watching my pennies. After I solo, I decide I want to ditch forestry and fly for a living, but can't afford the 10 grand to get a commercial license. I talk to my Instructor, and he says, call the Navy recruiter. I do, and, lucky for me, I have my app in two months prior to Top Gun coming out. One Saturday in August I am walking across the stage to pick up a piece of paper I will never use, the next Saturday I am getting my head shaved while this Marine DI is screaming at me. Remember Officer and a Gentleman? Well, it is mostly true only worse than they can possibly put on screen, and there is darn sure not any time to chase women.

A few years later I am flying S-3B Vikings over Russian subs, and later doing Sea Control and combat refueling during Desert Storm. Then I instruct for 4 years, get out in 95 and fly over forest fires for two years, and finally get on with FedEx in 97.

It is an interesting life. Lots of excitement, lots of boredom, and worst of all, lots of time away from my family (and my woodshop, which is one reason I am the world's slowest woodworker).

I'll try to remember how lucky I am next time I am sitting for hours in the cockpit during a snowstorm, waiting for my turn to deice. :(

Martin, "living the dream"

[Martin Shupe]

Martin,

I always did like the smell of JP4 in the morning…

While not a pilot, I have been up a few times in the back seat of F4’s. Once wrote up the rear radarscope as “Goes blank under G’s”. Of course they couldn’t duplicate it, so they just waited until I came in and assigned that one to me…

(in best Robert Duvall impersonation)...smells like... victory!

Jim, sounds like you were a RIO for a while. Nothing like a dawn launch on a crisp morning to get your blood pumping. I actually wanted to fly A-6's, so I could fly low and blow stuff up. I got to fly low, and the S-3 is a really nice aircraft, but we never did get any respect (unless they wanted fuel). I did get to drop a few 500 lb bombs and dummy torps and dummy mines. The best plane I ever got to fly was the TA-4J. Not quite an F-4, but a really cool and fun aircraft. I loved doing rolling scissors in it, but used to get a sore neck from looking over my shoulder. One IP let me do a 500 kt carrier break at El Centro, best one I ever did, and the "ripping through the air sound" was awesome. Nothing like a low level in an A-4. Rolling inverted over the top of the ridge and pulling down into the next valley was incredible.

Of course, now that I look back on the joys of my youth, I realize what a boring life I now lead. Sigh...

[Tyler Howell]

I've worked around aircraft for thirty years.......and I prefer sail boats. Quiet easy going only and occasional swamping, or gale to deal with.
Lot of credit to the Jet Jocks and all the OTHER people that get them from place to place. Soloed many years ago and that was the end of my up front seat days.
I got a ton of these pix if you REALLY want to see them?:rolleyes:

[Martin Shupe]

I've worked around aircraft for thirty years.......and I prefer sail boats. Quiet easy going only and occasional swamping, or gale to deal with.
Lot of credit to the Jet Jocks and all the OTHER people that get them from place to place. Soloed many years ago and that was the end of my up front seat days.
I got a ton of these pix if you REALLY want to see them?:rolleyes:

Tyler, you are 100% correct: the pilots get the credit, but it takes a whole lot of mechs and other folks to keep the planes flying.

Bring on the pix!

[Bart Leetch]

Dennis,

I always wanted to fly too. A few years later I am flying S-3B Vikings over Russian subs, and later doing Sea Control and combat refueling during Desert Storm. Then I instruct for 4 years, get out in 95 and fly over forest fires for two years, and finally get on with FedEx in 97.

Martin, "living the dream"

Hey Martin

I see you flew in a Hoover thats a lot better than never having flown.

I've heard them whizzzz past just above fltdeck level more than once. Say how many time did you check that little compartment right next to the boarding ladder on a preflt?

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Martin, I did 8 years in the Navy. Most of it in ATC maintenance with some time working on Fast Attack Subs. I worked in ATC at NAS Meridian and NAS Kingsville. My father was Chief Boatswain Mate. My youngest son just came off the USS Carl Vinson last July. He was in dental school at University of Texas San Antonio following a breakup of a 2 year engagement to a young lady. His heart wasn't into the school. After 14 months of dental school he callled home to say he'd dropped out of school and had applied to the Air Force to be a pilot. This may be the only time I snookered that kid. I replied " That's fine if you want to be a 2nd class pilot. Anybody can land on a 10,000 foot run way. I was 15 when I landed a Cesna on a 10,000 foot runway." A month later he called to say he'd applied to the Navy to be a pilot. He was in flight school in P'cola when he injured his neck, developed migraines and 9 month medical hold. Met his wife during this period. A local P'cola "hoochie momma" who now happens to have her Doctorate of Pharmacy. He took a lot of flack from his flight school classmates about falling for a local girl in P'cola! After 9 months he was dropped from the flight program but was far enough through the school he had to give them 4 years. He has a degree in Premed and worked in the medical department aboard the carrier. He did get to fly off the carrier several times. He said it was okay but he never did get to land on the carrier. I broke my back 3 years ago and wouldn't be able to take the pressures anymore, but I'd die for the chance to make just one carrier launch and DAYTIME landing. PS his hoochie momma is supporting him now as he is back in San Antonio attending dental school? :confused: PS I don't have anything against Air Force pilots.....I got an oil portrait from my youngest son for my 50th birthday....he is in the front in his dress whites..my Dad is in the upper left in his dress blues.....I'm in the upper right in my dress blues.......My father died 3 months before my youngest son was born...........nuff said!

[Martin Shupe]

Hey Martin

I see you flew in a Hoover thats a lot better than never having flown.

I've heard them whizzzz past just above fltdeck level more than once. Say how many time did you check that little compartment right next to the boarding ladder on a preflt?

Every time I flew! Lots of things to look at on an S-3.

[Martin Shupe]

Martin, I did 8 years in the Navy. I worked in ATC at NAS Meridian and NAS Kingsville.

Hey Ken,

I went through jet training in Kingsville, and later was an IP there.

Do you remember a man named Anse "Windy" Windham? He was an ATC controller there for a long, long, time.

He was in the Navy, and lost his leg in a motorcycle crash, so he had to become a civilian ATC guy.

He used to go to the E club, and bet new guys a beer that he could drink a beer with one foot on the floor and one on the ceiling. Then when they took the bet, he would take off his leg, and hold it over his head touching the ceiling, while drinking his "free beer" with his other hand.

A great man, who has given a great deal of service to the city of Kingsville.

[Tyler Howell]

Martin,
Just a few to for the night. Don't want to over load the data Base. This is what NOTto do on take your kid to work day!

And a couple to bring back old memories.....I hope not.:eek:

[Dave Avery]

Martin,

Nice to hear from one of Fedex's best. I work for Pratt & Whitney, currently as CFO of our Engine Alliance joint venture with GE making the GP7200 engine powering the Airbus A380. Any chance you'll be flying A380's when Fedex takes delivery in 2009? Dave.

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Martin,

I'm not sure if I remember Anse or not....Windy sounds familiar but I also worked with a John Windham, a civilian at Meridian.....I might be confusing the two. Lots of water under the bridge since then and I'm not a spring chicken anymore.

Saw some interesting accidents/incidents working ATC during the Vietnam Navy Pilot Pipeline days.......Student on first solo in T-2....nose gear didn't extend....I happened to be at the precision radar hardstand near the approach end of the runway when it he landed....He held the nose up as long as he could then turned loose and put both hands on the console and braced himself.....I couldn't see any apparent damaged to the plane until they picked it up with the cherry picker......some torn skin...that's about all.

A pilot called the tower "I'm approximately 22 miles southeast of Bravo field .....my engines are out.....l'm baling out!" .......ATC scrambled the SAR chopper ........formed up the ground search teams....Bravo field was an outlying field used for touch and goes 22 miles NorthWest of McCain Field at Meridian.....The ACs pulled the tapes.....got the call sign .....then it dawned on them......Sure enough the plane was sitting on the mat area across from the contol tower.....The pilot had never declared an emergency! Seems this was the pilot's last flight for the Navy and they'd been hoodwinked!

[Martin Shupe]

Martin,

Nice to hear from one of Fedex's best. I work for Pratt & Whitney, currently as CFO of our Engine Alliance joint venture with GE making the GP7200 engine powering the Airbus A380. Any chance you'll be flying A380's when Fedex takes delivery in 2009? Dave.

Dave,

Not in 2009, but maybe someday. My seniority is about 75%, and I'll have to wait for a bunch of guys and gals to retire before I get to sit in a 380. Maybe in the right seat of one, someday.

Don't forget Fred is a horse trader, too. He might have bought those slots just to resell them at a profit. Around here they say "don't believe anything until you see it at the gate painted purple". Actually, I think he will keep them, since they will carry an awful lot of boxes. The latest rumor is that we will get some 737's in the fall to start replacing our 727's.

Hey, if you get a chance, tell those European guys to make the tails a little stronger, eh? Or maybe change the rudder pedal gain so they don't come off below maneuvering speed? ;)

Seriously, I think my next move is the right seat of the Airbus. I could have held it a couple bids ago, but waited for a little seniority. Then last bid they only gave out 10 slots and I couldn't get one. I should be able to hold it next bid.

From your pic I would have guessed you for a pilot, instead of a CFO, but I am sure you make a lot more money pushing papers than I do hauling boxes.

[David Klug]

Thanx Aaron, ROFLMAO

DK

[Greg Heppeard]

I'm glad I don't have to work on those winged things anymore...did 20 years in Air Force as a navigation computer tech. Traded in my safety wire and duct tape for a table saw and router. Yeah, I know...more dangerous equipment.

[Dave Avery]

Dave,

Not in 2009, but maybe someday. My seniority is about 75%, and I'll have to wait for a bunch of guys and gals to retire before I get to sit in a 380. Maybe in the right seat of one, someday.

Don't forget Fred is a horse trader, too. He might have bought those slots just to resell them at a profit. Around here they say "don't believe anything until you see it at the gate painted purple". Actually, I think he will keep them, since they will carry an awful lot of boxes. The latest rumor is that we will get some 737's in the fall to start replacing our 727's.

Hey, if you get a chance, tell those European guys to make the tails a little stronger, eh? Or maybe change the rudder pedal gain so they don't come off below maneuvering speed? ;)

Seriously, I think my next move is the right seat of the Airbus. I could have held it a couple bids ago, but waited for a little seniority. Then last bid they only gave out 10 slots and I couldn't get one. I should be able to hold it next bid.

From your pic I would have guessed you for a pilot, instead of a CFO, but I am sure you make a lot more money pushing papers than I do hauling boxes.

Say it ain't so, Martin...... I HATE it when someone retires a P&W powered aircraft and replaces it the a CFM powered one :mad: :)

I guess I never thought about it, but the short hair and sunglasses do make me look a little pilot-like. Wishful thinking, I guess. While I'm not complaining about the paper pushing money, I'd trade jobs and salaries in a heartbeat. Good luck moving up the seniority list...... Dave.