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Brian Shutter
06-21-2007, 1:01 AM
I've been an off and on visitor with a few posts to Sawmill Creek over the past few years. I've worked wood for most of my life in one way or another--building houses, building cabinets and most recently furniture off and on for the past 20 years or so. I've got a garage full of woodworking tools both hand tools and power tools. The third stall of my garage is my workshop and until recently has always been organized and ready for the next project.

Here's my dilemma: my dad who was also a woodworker--furniture, cabinets, and pen turning passed away a couple months ago after a short bout with colon cancer. When he left me so did my love and even my interest in wood, woodworking and the tools. I no longer even want to look at my shop. I now store my motorcycle in my shop and have moved all the equipment to the side. My half finished basement has been half finished since last October when my dad was last here to help me work on it. He was complaining to me about how tired he had been lately and thought it was just old age setting in. He was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks after that and died at age 64 three months later.

I think it would do me good to get out in the shop again but I'm wondering if I should wait until I really feel like I want to or if I should just suck it up and get out there and do something. I really don't want to destroy any hope I have of getting back into woodworking but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to start again. I can't see myself hanging it all up for good. I'm keeping all the tools and equipment just in case the feeling comes back even though I really could use the garage space. I know there's no concrete answer; I guess I'm just looking for a little fatherly or motherly advice. Anybody gone through the same sort of thing?

I hate to say it but even reading the Creek has become more of a chore than enjoyment. I still check up on stuff occasionally but not nearly as much as before. Anyway, thanks for anything you can contribute.

Brian

Brent Dowell
06-21-2007, 1:31 AM
Brian. My sincerest condolences. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through right now.

I know it must be tough for you and that everyone grieves in their own way.

I don't think anyone here would even think to pressure you one way or the other. Only you can decide what feels right.

All I can say is do what feels right, when it feels right. Pick the right project and do it. If it feels like a chore, well, then it probably isn't the right time.

You mention pen turning. Those are usually pretty quick little projects that can deliver a high degree of satisfaction. Maybe doing some small things, rather than tackling anything large, would be a way to get back out and doing things?

Again, my sincerest condolences.

Jude Kingery
06-21-2007, 1:35 AM
Brian, my sincere condolences, if I might reassure you and encourage you, sure, it's very normal to experience depression, grief of course and tend to shy away from those things we treasured doing with our Dads, i.e. shop time: because it's painful, an empty feeling. And there's no two ways about it, it is just plain very hard to experience that, feel that and allow ourselves to hurt over it. Just a normal human trait to want to avoid pain; that's how we're wired, not only a physical safety mechanism standpoint, but true emotionally as well.

My Dad died when I was fairly young (24) and we really did have a great relationship and he was pretty much the mentor to all of us kids growing up, spending lots of time in the shop.

At the time, I did not have a lot of time to even think of shop work, as career, family and so on kept us busy. But yet over twenty years later and semi-retired, I now have the time and the space and tools, lathes, to really enjoy it very, very much. So I find it's a fun time, a really good time to go out and make something, call up my brother and say, hey, remember that time when Dad . . . (whatever story or memory) and we laugh and cut up. Or my husband and I build something and just have a grand time in the shop!

So my suggestion - and I make it gently, is to give it time. Give yourself some time. And no, time does not heal all wounds like they say, but perhaps your perspective, rather, will change. Your sense of sadness may decrease with a little bit of time. There's no correct way to go about mourning your loss; I don't think you ever "get over" missing someone you loved dearly - but you can and do sort of adjust with it, your feelings about it may not be quite as acute, your thoughts about your loss, the painfulness of it can diminish - with a little bit of time. I don't say that lightly nor as a panacea to you, but hopefully as an encouragement to cut yourself some slack, see how you feel after a bit.

One other thing you might consider, pass along the legacy your Dad gave to you to someone else - sometimes that is meaningful to do when you find yourself feeling down and not real motivated nor enjoying doing anything - teach a kid and you almost really can't help but enjoy that, seeing his face light up when he says, wow, I made this! This is way cool! Again, not that that is an answer for everyone, but it is something to consider.

Again, my best wishes and kindest regards to you.

Jude

Peter Stahl
06-21-2007, 6:07 AM
I can't say it any better than Brent & Jude said it. Give it some time.

Phyllis Meyer
06-21-2007, 8:31 AM
Hi Brian,

I'm so sorry for your loss! I have the utmost respect for you for even sharing your thoughts and what you are feeling! Most men do not talk about this and by you doing this, I can assure you, you will be helping someone else out there going through this same thing.

Grief is a long process and we all deal with it in different ways. We miss our loved one that passed away! We go through that: "we don't want to forget anything...what they did, said, enjoyed", at the same time: "we shy away from remembering because it hurts at times to think about it".

My Mom passed away a year and a half ago and one of the items that she wanted me to have was her china cabinet. She had it filled with beautiful glassware, trinkets, and all her treasures. When my husband and brother delivered it to our house and placed in in the corner of my living room, I was angry because it symbolized that she was gone, it shouldn't be here, and for a year it sat empty because I couldn't bring myself to unpack her treasures to fill it. One day my daughter said, "Mom, let's put Grandma's stuff in the cabinet". Something hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided that it was time. My two daughters and I had a wonderful time unwrapping each piece and washing, and placing it in that cabinet. What once symbolized her death has now become a symbol of her life! When you feel the time is right you will know what to do with the tools, and your Dad's love for carpentry. It's ok to continue on with his legacy and teach your children what your Dad taught you!

Brian, I wish you PEACE and a time very soon when all of your memories of Dad are so precious, and full of laughter, and a symbol of what his life was about!

Sincerely,
Phyllis:)

Jim Becker
06-21-2007, 8:43 AM
Brian, I can only add to what has already been said...don't go this alone. While everyone has their own way about grieving, when it takes over so much of your life, it may be more. Please take this with the kindness it's offered...have a chat with your doctor about what you are feeling and take his/her advice on what your options are for gentle help in working it out.

And in the mean time, perhaps you might think about a project that would honor your father's memory...something that you know will make him smile from within your heart.

Al Willits
06-21-2007, 9:01 AM
Take your time and don't force getting back into woodworking, you may end up hating it.

I see your from Minn, not sure where though, but I live in Mpls and if ya just want to stop by, have a cold beverage and a chat with a old fart, please do.
I hadn't talked to my father for close to 30 years, finally got back together and he died about a month after, not easy dealing with the loss and I still deal with having been stuborn and losing all that time with my father, no easy way that I know of.

Life does go on, but sometime ya just gotta give it a bit of a push though, either way, good luck.

Al

Andy Hoyt
06-21-2007, 9:02 AM
You might want to consider acquiring some of your dad's tools and stash 'em alongside yours. And then when time has passed and the healing process is at its end (assuming that's possible) you may find that getting back out there and using some of his stuff will allow you to recall those great times you shared in the shop. And I can think of no better way to honor his presence in your life than to pass those tools and the skills he helped you develop on to your own progeny.

Cliff Rohrabacher
06-21-2007, 9:07 AM
When he left me so did my love and even my interest in wood, woodworking and the tools. I no longer even want to look at my shop.


Sorry about you losing your dad. However, you will not have really lost your love of the craft. It will return. And you will take up your tools and have fond memories. Bitter sweet for sure but, in time they will become fond.

I have to opposite problem, Not a soul in my family is interested in my craft. I have lovely grand daughters who will most likely be girly girls and no young males to be found.

So my tools will go to auction when I go. And my skills will go with me.

Keep the shop, don't force yourself, it'll tale a little time.

Dennis Peacock
06-21-2007, 9:16 AM
Brian,

I'm so sorry to hear about the lose of your dad. I will have you in my thoughts and prayers. I can't add to what has already been suggested, but if it were me? I'd build something in my dad's honor. For me, it would be just because he deserves something to honor him. Please, go through this with a friend who can be there for you....no matter what. It makes it just a bit easier.

Mark Pruitt
06-21-2007, 9:23 AM
You might want to consider acquiring some of your dad's tools and stash 'em alongside yours. And then when time has passed and the healing process is at its end (assuming that's possible) you may find that getting back out there and using some of his stuff will allow you to recall those great times you shared in the shop. And I can think of no better way to honor his presence in your life than to pass those tools and the skills he helped you develop on to your own progeny.
Brian,
Andy already said almost exactly what I was going to say so I'm just going to ditto his remarks.

Mitchell Andrus
06-21-2007, 9:29 AM
Coming from a 14 year survivor... (Lance and I have a lot in common)

Get away for a bit - mentally at least. Go skydiving - once. Take a trip to somewhere you'd never have considered before, learn to use a boomerang, paint a house for Habitat for Humanity, volunteer for three months of evenings at the hospital (you know which one).

You'll find things will eventually settle back to the way they were including your old interests plus some new ones.

Very sorry for your loss.

TYLER WOOD
06-21-2007, 11:31 AM
I have a friend who went through someting very similar to you. His father got sick and passed in about a 8 month span. His dad left him a carba-tech lathe. His dad used to turn a lot of pens with it, and my friend told me he did not want to turn pens, so he gave me all of the pen equipment. He used the lathe for cups.

Tuesday, him, another friend and I got together to turn some pens we are going to sell at a cigar/expensive trinket store that is going to let us do a show with a wine tasting as well. After turning a pen on his lathe e sat there with tears in his eyes and said his dad would be proud of the pen he just turned. With that I went to the car and got the equipment he gave to me and handed it back to him.

I think just like you, he needed time to get over the greif of such a huge loss. But with time and friends we were able to get him to do something that his dad would be happy and proud of. He is now wanting to do something he thought he would never find joy in. I think because he feels the memories of his dad with him as he is making a pen.

My heart and prayers goes out to you as I know the loss of parents is hard (lost my mom 10 years ago last year when I was 18). Take the time needed to grieve, it's necessary. Then when the time is right, get back to diong what you and him loved to do together. Use that time to have fond memories of being together.

Ken Fitzgerald
06-21-2007, 11:50 AM
Brian.....Grief is a lonely road and an ugly beast. My father died 35 years ago when I was age 23. He was a physical man with a big difference in temperment than me...he was tough physically, mentally and emotionally. I was in the Navy at the time and for almost a year after his death I took on his personality. I was contantly decking people when we had a disagreement. I was lucky in that I was always in the right but I could very well have received punishment for what I did. One day we went to town to shop at a Sears store. The 3 kids had fallen asleep in the ride to town, my youngest Mike was 9 months old. I told my wife to go shop and I'd stay in the car with the a/c running so the kids could finish their nap. It was like a miracle.....My wife came out and got into the car and I looked at her and said..."You know Sharon...I'm not Paul and I can't continue acting like him." Her reply "I'm so glad!.....it's been a tough year"....

Grief is indeed a funny animal and it can be a lonely road. Don't do anything rash......The only tool I have of my father's is a new hand saw he'd bought just before he died. I use that handsaw on occassion and when I do I fondly think of my Dad .....him building a garage as I looked on......him building a covered sandbox as I looked on....

Time will heal it........talk with friends and your family doctor......

I suspect someday you'll want to finish that basement project you and your Dad were working on.....He'd probably want you to finish it....Hang in there......You'll know when the time is right....

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Jeff Kerr
06-21-2007, 12:49 PM
Brian,

I am very sorry for your loss. As many others have said grief is a very real and very strong emotion. In some respect I feel that I can relate in that I just lost a friend to cancer after a 3 year battle and he was only 26.

The one thing that I found in my experience is that in most local communities there is a strong inner circle for families that have been touched by cancer. It may well be worth it for you to reach out to your local cancer society and attend a group meeting. It can be a very wonderful thing.

Give yourself time. Your head and heart need to be in harmony before you will be able to enjoy this again.

Larry Conely
06-21-2007, 1:00 PM
Brian,

Take a break. Things will look different in a few years.

In a short period of time, I lost my best friend, my father, my mother and my son. It was devastating. While I have always looked suspiciously at support groups, i attend one to help me through the death of my son. Not only can they help in ways you cannot imagine, it helps to realize you are not alone in your grief. Many others share your circumstances and, believe it or not, there is always someone worse off than you.

While the wounds will never go away completely, the world looks differently to me than it did four years ago.

Take a break from things that make you uncomfortable. As you have noted, you can return, or not, later.

Best wishes,

Larry

Barry Stratton
06-21-2007, 2:36 PM
Brian,

Only you will know when the time is right. Take care and cherish the memories. Also, I'm a new comer to this state, and on the opposite side than Al. You are always welcome to stop by and laugh at a tourist if you are in this neck of the woods.

Al Willits
06-21-2007, 3:31 PM
Will all the MN members who've posted, maybe a Minnesota Creeker gathering is in order, few cheerful faces surly couldn't hurt, and it'd be chance for some of Minnesotians to meet.

Just a thought....

Al...yes other's could attend...:D

Ken Fitzgerald
06-21-2007, 3:50 PM
And of course, Tyler, the socialite that he is will want to attend!

Mark Cothren
06-21-2007, 4:05 PM
...few cheerful faces...

Al, you obviously have not seen Barry's face............:eek:




Brian, hang in there. It will get better and you'll be ready to make your own decision before long.

Robert Miller
06-21-2007, 4:06 PM
I'd like to add my condolences also.
Sometimes when we go through something like this ( I have) we lose interest in something that we once enjoyed. I think that the reason you feel no joy in it right now is because you are still grieving.and that's only natural.
No one can tell you how, or how long to grieve. I read somewhere that sometimes when we are in termoil and we are in the middle of a raging river clinging to a rock in the middle of the stream , we are afraid to let go even though we can see the calm water downstream.
It may seem as if you are never going to get to a place that you feel calm and happy again, only time will tell.
But I have a feeling from what you've shared of your Dad, that that's where your Dad was happy , amongst his tools, and his projects.
You can feel his presence in them, and so right now it makes you sad.

In your own time, it will fill you again with the pride and comfort you and your Dad felt together. You'll know it when your ready.

In the meantime, just think of your friends at the Creek as calm water.


"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
Kahlil Gibran

Brian Kent
06-21-2007, 8:40 PM
Brian, I'm with you in a lot of ways. My dad died on April 4 - just over two months ago. So much to think through and feel, and it's a little different each week.

I'm also a pastor, and the only significance here is that I get to walk with a lot of people through their grief. They give me permission to get close. Their grief is wild and unpredictable and unavoidable.

One of the things I watch is how spouses do with giving their wife's / husband's clothing away. Often it is unthinkable even to move things. Then one day a year or two later, they know exactly what to do with every item.

Your dad's stuff is a gift in disguise as a reminder of him. You don't have to do anything now. Sometime in months or year(s) you will all of a sudden know what to do with every single item. Nobody can guess for you.

Most people have something like this that they have lived through, so you have a lot of compassion and sympathy out there.

Brian

John Schreiber
06-21-2007, 8:48 PM
What a gift of sharing your post was. Hard to write I'm sure.

The responses have also been a beautiful gift. It's a privilege to be part of this community.

Thank you all.

Al Willits
06-21-2007, 9:11 PM
[quote=Mark Cothren;607229]Al, you obviously have not seen Barry's face............:eek:



Well he didn't look that bad on the wanted poster I seen.......:)

Al

Joe Mioux
06-21-2007, 9:15 PM
I read your original post, and avoided all the others.

A large part of my business is the funeral business.

Don't sell anything until you have had a chance to get to a point of acceptance of your dad's passing.

Secondly, If you dad enjoyed woodworking and you enjoyed woodworking, especially with him, hang on to those tools and build something that you can take out to the cemetary,

think about it! maybe a bird house. some sort of hook to hang flowers on. just something. you will get more peace of mind out of building something in his memory than you can possibly imagine right now.

I don't know or didn't read whether you have children, if so let them help build something for grandpa.

Teach your children well!

Teach them an appreciation of woodworking, like your dad did you.

Build a legacy.

Build a positive ...

Joe

Lee McLaughlin
06-21-2007, 9:16 PM
I can't say anything that's not already been mentioned here already but I too lost one of my parents - years ago. It still hurts at times but then I remember what my mom told me late one night when it was just her and me just days before she pasted. Lee she said, I know you are hurting right now and there's nothing I can do about that but I'll ask one favor of you. Please don't hurt on my account. I would hate to think that I have caused you pain for you are the dearest person in my life and I love you so very very much. If you love me you won't let me hurt you because that truly is the last thing I'd ever want to cause you. Be happy hon and when you think of me remember the happy times because I'll be in your heart and I'll be hurting if you do. Anyway that's what she told me and it didn't really register at the time but when she pasted I remembered that conversation and kind of made myself only remember the good things. I kinda feel it would be letting her down by doing otherwise. Yes it hurts but then I remember her last request and I do my best to honor it. She would not want me to hurt so I try not too. When you hurt that is for yourself it's not want your dad would want. That would only hurt him. Anyway that's me. Maybe you can share that thought. Your dad I'm sure would want the same for you. You'll be in my prayers Brian. Time does heal and makes it easier. You can believe that. Lee

Ken LaSota
06-21-2007, 9:18 PM
Brian my sincere condolences.I can't add much more to what has been said except to say it takes time and you will heal ,so hang it there and the day will come when you will want to try agin. I will keep you in my prayers.
Ken

Ben Grunow
06-21-2007, 9:22 PM
Sorry for your loss and your story is one that struck a chord with me as I work with my father every day building homes.

I think that after some time I might be able to find some enjoyment in the shop as a way to remember the fun shared there and also to continue in my fathers footsteps and pursue his interests as they might become your own. A bridge beyween the past, present and future.

I find that as every day passes with my father, the things I used to dislike about him are becoming the things that I do every day. It is the cycle of life and family as far as I am concerned. In the same way that my 3 yr old son is doing the same devious things to me as I did to my father.

Dont get rid of the tools/shop. You might really miss them someday. Give it time.

This is just my opinion so please feel free to tell me to go scratch if you like.

Take it easy.

Ben

Paul Geer
06-22-2007, 9:27 AM
My dad past away March 9th this year, and everything looks so different to me now. Dad did leather work and some woodworking. Dad got me interested in woodworking and I carried it beyond what he showed me. He was proud of me and told me he would be sad if I ever gave it up. I'm sure your dad would feel the same way. I like to think he's watching me now as I work in the shop.

Keep going.

Steve Schlumpf
06-22-2007, 10:56 AM
Brian,

First off - I am sorry for your loss. Lots of good advice from all your friends here on SMC. We each have our own way of dealing with the loss of a loved one and I hope that a response from someone here has helped you in understanding that things will get better.

I, like many others, can feel what you have been going through. My folks supported my woodworking when I first got started and really loved what I created once I got into turning. I’d have to say that along with my wife – they are my primary sources of inspiration. I lost my Dad on February 7 of this year – lost my Mom on April 13. They were both 75. In two months I went from being the oldest son to the oldest in the family. I had to pack up a lifetime of memories, sell their house and am in the process of settling their estate. To say my woodworking motivation was gone would simply be an understatement.

I am troubled by the sudden loss but at the same time I know they would want me to be happy and continue to do what I have a passion for – woodworking. I started turning again a week ago. Fairly shaky work at first and I was very surprised at how much I had lost in 5 months of not turning. I feel a little more comfortable on the lathe today and find myself including my folks into the decision making process when it comes to designs. They’re not gone – I just have to listen louder.

Reaching out to your friends here is a great step to take in the healing process and I hope we have helped. Please put off any decisions regarding your woodworking and equipment until you had time to adjust with life and how it has changed.

I wish you the very best.

Lee Schierer
06-22-2007, 12:38 PM
I had similar thoughts when my Dad passed away about hunting. I almost turned around and went home the first day of deer season after he passed away and I never even went out in the fields for small game. That year for the first time I shot my deer on opening day. Dad was there and it was a way to be with him even though I really couldn't anymore. I feel the same way when I use tools from his shop. Trust me the enjoyment will return to at least the levels you enjoyed with your Dad right there.

Michael Gibbons
06-22-2007, 8:20 PM
Brian, Take some time off . Then really think hard. Would your dad want you to stop because he's gone?

Tom Veatch
06-22-2007, 10:34 PM
My most sincere condolences, Brian. A lot of good advice in this thread. It will take a while, but let time dull the ache before you do anything irreversible.

My father was a carpenter most of his life and I spent many of my summers working with him before joining the Marine Corps and leaving home for good. He had one particular handsaw that was his favorite and would never let me use. It's an old Disston that dates from the '20's. It may have been one of the first good carpenter tools he had.

When he died, in 1976, my brothers and I divided up the estate. I laid claim to most of his hand tools, that saw among them. It had been resharpened so many times without being properly jointed that it had a distinct "reverse" crown in the blade. He may not have been the best saw-sharpener in existence, but that saw still cut better than anything I had.

I wanted the tools as a remembrance, but, like you, had little or no desire to do anything with them or with any of my own tools, either. After some time had passed, the feeling that Michael Gibbons mentioned, "Would Dad be happy about this?" occurred to me, and I thought that he probably wouldn't.

So, I reentered the shop and built a display case. The saw is is now retired and while the finish on its case has a few tear stains, it is displayed in a place of honor in my shop.

The grief and sense of loss never really completely disappears but, with time, the immediacy and intensity does fade. Building that case for that saw helped me come to grips with my loss and deal with my grief. Perhaps, in time, there is something similar you can do.

Burt Alcantara
06-24-2007, 3:07 PM
When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.

Brian Shutter
06-24-2007, 10:50 PM
I want to thank everyone for their replies. They have all been greatly appreciated. I have reread everything a few times in the last couple days and I really can't believe the number of responses I've gotten from people I've never met.

I'm going to keep all my woodworking tools and equipment although I may not use it for a while. My next step is going to be getting the shop back in order and reworking the design in order for my re-immersion into woodworking to be smooth. I've been doing some drawing the past couple weeks so I do have some projects in mind.

Even though the basement is in a poor state right now it's going to have to wait as well. Because it was the last project Dad and I worked on together it's very difficult to even go down there. I've got enough stuff to do around the house anyway.

Thanks again, everyone.

Brian.

Al Willits
06-25-2007, 9:18 AM
Sounds like a good plan, best of luck to ya.

Remember there's a cold one in the fridge if ya just want to visit.

I used to drag race bikes, so we may a bit in common. :)

Al

Ed Garrett
06-26-2007, 12:05 PM
Brian,

I too am really sorry to hear about your loss, but I appreciate your sharing your problem with us. That's what friends are for. My dad also suffered through a quick but terrible death from cancer about 10 years ago. I was stunned and lost interest in many activities. I'm sure a psycologist would say these are normal signs of grieving or temporary depression. I eventually did get back into things I loved doing, but curiously I found that what helped me the most was the rare occasion after my dad's death when people would talk to me about his life. I thought my dad was the greatest guy who ever lived, and yet most people I knew seemed afraid they would upset me by talking about him. I felt more disturbed by the thought that perhaps everybody wanted to forget about him. I knew that wasn't the case, but that's what it felt like for a time. Eventually I recovered, mostly (A small part of me will never recover). One thing I did that helped me to move on was to ask myself what my dad would want me to do next. The answer was obvious: Continue to enjoy my life, love my family, and remember what a great guy he was. It wasn't easy, but if he could see me now, I think he would be pleased. Take your time and find your way back to what makes you happy.

Sincerely,

Ed Garrett
Tallahassee, FL