Humor: In search of the ultimate woodworking blasphemy

[Andrew Williams]

"What kind of stain should I put on this cherry?"

"I think the motor on this machine has too much horsepower"

"I am sick of tool shopping"

"I have enough clamps"


any better ones?

[Nancy Laird]

"What kind of stain should I put on this cherry?"

Andrew, this one makes me laugh. True story: a number of years ago my aunt gave me an old cabinet that was her FIL's--dates back to about 1890, lots of gingerbread on it, locking doors, retrofitted with glass shelves, but still has the original rolled glass in it (I think it had been a bookcase at one time). It was a nice-enough cabinet, but it had been painted with flat green latex wall paint!!! I think I went through about 5 gallons of Formby's getting all of the green gunk off of it, along with multiple toothpicks, several brass brushes, etc. When it was finally cleaned up, I looked at LOML and asked him what kind of stain we should put on it. His response: "Stain, h@#$, that's solid cherry, we just spray it with lacquer and leave it alone." After we finished it, auntie almost decided she wanted it back, but we moved it across the country so she couldn't get to it!!


"No, Honey, I don't need any more wood. We have enough to last for a couple of years and I don't have a place to put it."

"You really want me to buy that biscuit joiner???"

"Nah, I don't need to upgrade my (insert machine of your choice here)."

Nancy

[Rob Bodenschatz]

This shop is too big.

This chisel is too sharp.

[Brad Townsend]

"What would I do with a Domino anyway?"

[scott spencer]

What color paint should I use on this quilted maple?

[Michael Schwartz]

At a non profit I work for we took in a donation of over 60 almost new cabinet doors from some huge kitchen. The reason the they were beeing replaced was that the "woodgrain" was showing through the glazed finish.

"I think I will just throw out this old rusty hand planer thing"

"60 Grit Sandpapah and a Belt Sandah is the way to go"

"Those drawers are kind of sticky get out the belt sandah and the 60 grit"

Something I actualy heard somebody say wile carefully setting up a 9-1/2 block plane to trim the end of a board down

"You might want to put a new blade in that thing its barely sticking out"

[Jason Roehl]

"Sure, I can stain this white pine to look like that QS oak..."

You wouldn't believe how many times I've had customers ask something similar to me. I appreciate the confidence in my abilities, but I have limits--I'm not God.

:rolleyes:

[Gary Herrmann]

"No thanks honey, I don't feel like going down to my shop."

"No honey, I don't mind if we store the christmas tree, patio furniture
-insert personalized shop space albatross here- in the shop."

"Forget the dovetails. A few screws will probably be just as good."

"No, no, the neighbors can borrow any tool in my shop. Its the ones in the garage that are off limits."

"You're right. Just because he bent my shovel doesn't mean he won't be careful with my Starrett."


I do have a garage tool rule. Experience can be a harsh mistress.

[Art Mulder]

"I have enough clamps"

How can anyone compete against that?

Oh wait, this is one that would never happen:

"Sure, I can beat Ikea's price!"

[Roy McQuay]

Now I won't need anything else. I've got everything I need.

[Gary Keedwell]

Hey Hon...will you toss me those Starrett verniers?

Gary K.:D

[Mike Cutler]

Annonymous furniture maker on another forum.
" I don't get paid to do Mortise and Tenon joinery.":eek:

[Ken Fitzgerald]

No sir.....I won't let you pay me that much for this project. I've only got 300 hours into it and you want to pay me too much!

[Steve Rowe]

"Can I really use a Festool plunge saw with the EZ Smart guide rail?":eek::eek:

And remember folks, it is just a joke keeping in line with the topic of the original post.
Steve

[Joe Unni]

This occurred over yesterday and today.

After posting on CL in the artist section a woman from New York responded with:


hi
hhow much would you ask for a platform bed twin size with 2 drawers under in wood?

My response was a bit hesitant but professional and explained that there can be many variables including design, materials, construction and freight to New York. So I threw out a number - between $3000 and $5000.

Her response was:


are you using gold screws???
I found some platfomr beds twins size for less than $200.
Thanks but no thanks


I got a chuckle. Though I wanted to tell her to pound sand I just sent:


Thank you for looking just the same.
-joe

[Ian Abraham]

"One router/chainsaw/plane/chisel/sander is all you need....."

;)

Ian

[Al Willits]

Brazilian Rosewood? Ya, makes great firewood.

Al

[Gary Herrmann]

Brazilian Rosewood? Ya, makes great firewood.

Al

My BIL lives in CA. He has burned olive wood. I'm trying to break him of that habit.

[Brian Penning]

"Wonder if a scrap dealer would take the heavy metal thing with Emmert written on it?"

[Fred Gross]

Sure, you can set that ice-cold drink down on that table saw over there.

Here, hon....use my Japanese chisel to get those weeds out of the sidewalk cracks.

True comment made to me by a bystander as I bought a slightly dirty SW 604C:
There's no way I'd pay 8 bucks for that!

[Mike Wilkins]

Finished a cherry wall cabinet, with dovetails no less. Wife says, "I don't like that. Can you paint it??"
8 years later it does not have paint on it.

[Greg Cole]

"Don't buy that (insert piece of furniture name here), I can make one in a week or 2 for ALOT cheaper"

:D

[Tim Malyszko]

"Don't buy that (insert piece of furniture name here), I can make one in a week or 2 for ALOT cheaper"

Been there too many times.

[Doug Shepard]

Actually asked of me once: Will one of those hand planes of yours work to strip off the paint on the old dresser I'm going to re-finish? They were eyeballing my LN LA Jack at the time. I just walked away speechless.

[Greg Cole]

Hey Doug... I have a borg version stanley block plane that I have sort of dedicated to that sole purpose. Now if someone grabbed my LN block for that, they better run & duck... I'm gonna chuck something at'em and chase'em. :D

[Dan Stuewe]

Hey Doug... I have a borg version stanley block plane that I have sort of dedicated to that sole purpose. Now if someone grabbed my LN block for that, they better run & duck... I'm gonna chuck something at'em and chase'em. :D

Greg, just make sure its the borg block plane they have to duck, not the LN No. 1!!!

I don't have any better woodworking ones, but the two best ones I heard when I worked at a bookstore in college...

"Do you have any Ansel Adams books with color pictures?"

"Do you have anything by Shakespeare in English?"

[Dan Stuewe]

Oh wait, I do have a woodworking one...

"No Honey, I don't need a new router bit for this project."

[Randal Stevenson]

All the best wood and plywood is sold at the borg.



Glue and a few brads should do the trick. :D

[Howard Rosenberg]

- this is after -
- getting in from work every evening
- playing with the kids
- putting them to bed
- working on the two cabinets (while being watched for original time estimate) late evenings ONLY during the week and weekends

took eight months......

[Derek Tuchscherer]

"whatddya mean you're charging me for your time...we're friends!"

"My husband can build that for you...can't you honey!"

After spending alot of time on design/construction of anything..."Oh, gee, that's not really what I had in mind"

"I don't really like the look of Oak"

[TYLER WOOD]

This thing's color is ugly, we can sand it down. What color should we paint it? (refering to 75-100 year old mahogany table with original finish I had just brought home)

But babe, those are too expensive right now. Aren't Harbor Freight tools cheaper and just as good?

Glue and brads are the only joinery you need. (h.s. shop teacher's advice)

[Ryan Bess]

Last night I visited Johnson Creek Hardwoods and returned home with beautiful KD 8/4 bookmatched cherry slabs measuring 72"H x 48"W together. I paid - this is not a typo - $100 total. Wife's first comment: "Why don't you just burn your money?" I was speechless.....

[Bill Eshelman]

This quartersawn has too many stripes in it.

What type of screws do you use to tighten up your dovetails?

Hey, your chisles and planes got all dusty so I got em' in the dishwasher getting clean.


///What a great thread.:D
Very funny stuff from all.

[Jim O'Dell]

No honey, I don't need that 3000 hp cyclone, my no name dust collector does just fine.

Finally, the shop is finished!

[Al Willits]

This finish looks so shiny it'd feel wet if I run my hand over it.....oh oh....sorry

Al

[Gary Herrmann]

This finish looks so shiny it'd feel wet if I run my hand over it.....oh oh....sorry

Al

Stirring up bad memories, there Al. :(

[Richard M. Wolfe]

After all, it's just wood.

[Jason Roehl]

Heard too many times from "carpenters"--"The painters can fix that!"

"A little putty will make that gap go away no problem."

[Joe Mioux]

"Can you sand out those stripes in this maple?"

[Michael Schwartz]

Some guy
Why does this glueline all of a sudden not fit?

Me
Did you sand it ?

Some guy
Yes, with a random orbit sander and 60 grit.

Me
Thats your problem.

An actual story.

In addition

You should have seen the look of horror my face when this other guy picked up my LN low angle jack and used it to sharpen a carpenters pencil. Then I caught him again 20 minuites latter sharpening it again on my treasured baily #3 I will admit that it does work good and I have a dunlop block plane in my toolbag that I use for stuff like that, but not my perfectly tuned smoothers! If I took any Japanese chissles onto a jobsite, I can guarantee you that somebody will be prying a nail with one.

[Tyler Lung]

Who needs a working drawing...I've got it all straight in my head.

[Jim Becker]

Who needs a working drawing...I've got it all straight in my head.

Hey...I resemble that remark! :o:p:):D

[Al Willits]

""""""""""
Stirring up bad memories, there Al. :(
"""""""""

Well...I did enough touching to see years back, but I was thinking of a bike I had painted with some House of color paints and the owner showed up and run his hand over the fairing muttering them words.

He not only didn't get his bike on time, he paid ALOT more than he thought he was.

I've also learnt the hard way to ask..or not touch.:D

Al...who found its better to have twice as much as you need versus almost as much as you need.

[Pete Bradley]

"I had an old Crescent 'til I upgraded to this Grizzly here"

Pete

[Chuck Saunders]

If I took any Japanese chissles onto a jobsite, I can guarantee you that somebody will be prying a nail with one.

ah, having good tools at work -
A real funny prank is to take a black magic marker and color the corner of someone's prized chisels, looks like a big chunk has been broken off. I was amazed at how quickly I noticed. Even after discovering that the damage was drawn on, it took a while for me to smile again. It took even longer to admit that it was a pretty good joke.

[John Schreiber]

Look at the nice curls I can get with my scraper on this MDF.

Those tools look nice. Too bad you couldn't get Craftsman though.

[Adam Burgess]

Sure, you can set that ice-cold drink down on that table saw over there.


My brother tried doing this when he came to my shop to check out the cherry boards I bought for a book case I'm building for him. He then tried to put it on the boards themself. Idiot!

Here's mine...
"How many more coats of paint before you can't see the oak grain any more?"

[Jim C Bradley]

Thanks to all contributors to this thread. YOU MADE MY DAY! The best laugh I have had in some time.
Enjoy,
Jim

[Mike Parzych]

"I got a bunch of air dried walnut slabs from my uncle's estate, but they look weird. They've got like purples and reds in them! Will stain even out the color and make it look like the stuff at the BORG, or am I just stuck with it the wayit is?"

Real life blasphemy:
I saw an episode of Dirty Jobs in which they were raising submerged logs from the 1880's logging era. Some were sliced to veneer and sold to a company making office furniture. They slapped it on particle board and then some woman with a rag slobbered on some stain that was about 50 shades darker than the wood and resembled no actual wood species known to man. They were probably sold at an outrageous price to some poor slob who proudly said his desk was made from 100+ year old wood, and isn't that color nice!

[jeremy levine]

"I got a bunch of air dried walnut slabs from my uncle's estate, but they look weird. They've got like purples and reds in them! Will stain even out the color and make it look like the stuff at the BORG, or am I just stuck with it the wayit is?"

Real life blasphemy:
I saw an episode of Dirty Jobs in which they were raising submerged logs from the 1880's logging era. Some were sliced to veneer and sold to a company making office furniture. They slapped it on particle board and then some woman with a rag slobbered on some stain that was about 50 shades darker than the wood and resembled no actual wood species known to man. They were probably sold at an outrageous price to some poor slob who proudly said his desk was made from 100+ year old wood, and isn't that color nice!

Saw that episode, still queasy

[Dan Racette]

Could you "antique" that? you know, beat it with a chain, pound a few hole, spatter some stain, and put wear marks all over that?

True story: Oh your grandpa had a whole bunch of those planes. I think he had about 300, he used to make floors and moulding. I think your aunt traded them for a set of four tires.

What would you want with those old handtools anyway? Just buy powertools.

I gave all those Disstons to your aunt to paint scenes on them. I think she just threw them away, though. (another true story).

I do still think that "I have enough clamps" is the best!

[Nate Rogers]

That episode of dirty jobs was just appalling....what is wrong with people..

Nate

[Mike Cutler]

"Do you have any Ansel Adams books with color pictures?"

:eek: :eek: :rolleyes:

[Bill Huber]

No problem, just set your glass of ice tea on the table saw.

I am just going to run to the hardware store and get a box of screws, be right back.

Do you want this from the mail today, no that Rockler catalog is just junk mail.

If I had of just measured one more time I would have caught that.

[Michael Schwartz]

Could you "antique" that? you know, beat it with a chain, pound a few hole, spatter some stain, and put wear marks all over that?

True story: Oh your grandpa had a whole bunch of those planes. I think he had about 300, he used to make floors and moulding. I think your aunt traded them for a set of four tires.



:eek: Sounds like the plot strait out of a woodworking specific horror movie.

My great uncle was a woodworker and I am trying to see if any of his stuff is still in the family.

[Jack Morrow]

No need to dry fit, watch this ....

[Cliff Rohrabacher]

Who needs a working drawing...I've got it all straight in my head.

HEY ~!!

I resemble that remark too~!!

I can't say how often I work sans drawing. Hell, my first guitar was made sans drawing.

[Joe Jensen]

HEY ~!!

I resemble that remark too~!!

I can't say how often I work sans drawing. Hell, my first guitar was made sans drawing.

Me too. I never use plans. If anything, just a quick sketch to look at proportions. This way when I make a mistake I can recover without feeling too bad :D

[Ted Baca]

maybe not blastphemie but frustrating

"hey your a woodworker?, can I come over Sunday and we can build a new A/V cabinet for my wifes birthday on Monday?"

[glenn bradley]

No need to dry fit, watch this ....

OK . . . of all the laughs and giggles this thread has brought me, Jack made me laugh so hard I think I hurt myself.

[Brian Kent]

6 piece Wood Chisel Set - $6.99

12 piece carving chisel set - $24.99
"Ideal for soft and hard woods"

(I actually bought a "6 piece carving chisel set for $7.99", tried to use it to chop the putty out of an old window frame, and split all of the handles by the end of the first window.)

You will just have to guess where I bought them (no, not the borg.)

Brian

[Nancy Laird]

6 piece Wood Chisel Set - $6.99

12 piece carving chisel set - $24.99
"Ideal for soft and hard woods"

(I actually bought a "6 piece carving chisel set for $7.99", tried to use it to chop the putty out of an old window frame, and split all of the handles by the end of the first window.)

You will just have to guess where I bought them (no, not the borg.)

Brian

Probably harbor freight!!

Nancy