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Ken Werner
10-28-2006, 11:41 AM
What follows is a whimsical essay I wrote, in the first person, as if I was a doctor, pondering one of life's mysteries. It is meant to be funny, and I apologize in advance if it offends anybody.



Just Where is the Wazoo Anyway?
by Ken Werner, M.D.


The other day my wife and I were discussing our sixth-grade son’s lunchroom monitor. She’d force the kids to line up in a smallish holding area, before they could enter the cafeteria. Ben, being a pretty smart fellow, used all of his advanced mathematical skills to figure out the area of that hallway, divide by the number of kids, and come up with how many square feet each kid had to stand on. Now you know those signs you see in bowling alleys, legion halls and diners that say something like “Occupancy by more than 93 people is prohibited by law”, well they’re based on the same principle. Speaking of principals, needless to say, the principal of Ben’s school was rather annoyed that my wife called the local code enforcement officer to find out just how many square feet per kid was legal. By the way, Ben was right, and the school policy did change. And the lunchroom monitor was pissed, which gets me back to the beginning of my story.

You see, this particular lunchroom monitor likes to wear short skirts. I mean the kind that make sixth grade boys go a little wild, without quite knowing why, or on second thought some of them do know why. “Oh yeah” I said to my wife “isn’t Miss Haboob the one that wears skirts up to her wazoo?”

And that innocent remark led me to the realization that I, a family physician, had no idea what part of the body the wazoo is. I thought back to anatomy. No, I learned about all sorts of exotic body parts – the xiphoid process, the coccyx, the olecranon, even the ischial tuberosity, but no wazoo. Not anywhere.

Yet everybody seems to know that there is most certainly a wazoo. It’s a place that things go out – as in “out the wazoo”, or up -- as in Steven Bochco’s quote aptly made about attorneys, and meaning in excess: “we’ve got lawyers up the wazoo”. Which I find an extremely frightening notion. I don’t particularly want anybody up my wazoo - and certainly not a lawyer, even if I don’t quite know where my wazoo is.

I asked my good friend and colleague, John Bowen, MD if he knew where the wazoo is. Now John is a board certified Ob-Gyn. You figure he oughta know where a wazoo is. But John wasn’t any more sure than me where it is.

Finally, I turned to my Stedman’s Medical Dictionary, and there between Way, Stanley, a British Ob-Gyn, and WBC, a white blood cell, was, well nothing. Now as I said before, my son Ben is a pretty smart fellow. He bought a new dictionary this year to help beat me at Scrabble. And there in the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 10th Edition, complete with various definitions and combinations of the F word, lies the wazoo. And how is it defined? Anus. Imagine that. And they never taught me that in medical school.

Ken Werner
10-28-2006, 11:45 AM
PS: this was first written in 2002, when Ben was in 6th grade. And he urged me not to post it.
Ken

Dennis Peacock
10-28-2006, 11:48 AM
Maaaaannnn....glad I read that. I was getting kinda edgy just seeing the topic. Nice one Ken.....but wazoo ain't in my dictionary neither. :rolleyes: :D

Lee DeRaud
10-28-2006, 11:49 AM
PS: this was first written in 2002, when Ben was in 6th grade. And he urged me not to post it.If you aren't allowed to embarass your children, there's just no point in being a parent.

Joe Pelonio
10-28-2006, 12:48 PM
This is why the Washington State University declared formally that it was not to be referred to as WASU, which we all pronounce Wazoo. People here on the western side of the state, especially U of Washington people, were then of course even more likely to call it WASU.

Bill Grumbine
10-28-2006, 1:26 PM
Maaaaannnn....glad I read that. I was getting kinda edgy just seeing the topic. Nice one Ken.....but wazoo ain't in my dictionary neither. :rolleyes: :D

It might not be in my dictionary, but occasionally it finds its way into my lexicon. ;) Of course, when I was younger, I thought Wazoo was a town in Michigan - or maybe that was Washington. :D

Bill

rick fulton
10-28-2006, 1:56 PM
wazoo woodworking

I believe the cartoon you show is copyrighted material. Maybe you should consider either deleting your post or placing a link to the source and removing the image from the post. I have also PM'd you why I suggest that.

Ken Salisbury
Moderator


Ken S,
Good point. I've removed the Sherman's Lagoon comic strip.
A link to the source is at;
http://www.sawmillcreek.org/showthread.php?t=19791
Of course, that source could be infringing copyrights also.
Rick

Ken Garlock
10-28-2006, 2:55 PM
Just look how much smarter you are now. The next time you meet up with one of your 'wazology' assoicates, you can ask him how his new wazoscope is working out. Don't you just love those technical terms?:rolleyes:

nic obie
10-28-2006, 3:13 PM
If you aren't allowed to embarass your children, there's just no point in being a parent.

Hahahahahahahahaa

:D :D :D

Peter Stahl
10-28-2006, 3:20 PM
Wazoo is in the M-W online dictionay. I really liked this post Ken. Just how many kids were allowed in the cafeteria?

Jim Becker
10-28-2006, 4:06 PM
It's terms like this that I try to avoid with the girls...it's hard enough teaching them "proper" English, let alone slang!! LOL Oh, hold on...I have to go tell them to "get off their wazoos" and get their chores done... ;)

John Miliunas
10-28-2006, 5:12 PM
Ken, thank you!!! :) ROFL.... If you should happen to have any additional such essays, I'd love to read them! That one hit the spot...Funny bone, that is! :D :cool:

Frank Fusco
10-28-2006, 5:46 PM
Like the Supreme Court justice said about porn, "I can't define it, but I know it when I see it."
When a skirt gets up to the wazoo, you will know it. :eek:

Ken Werner
10-28-2006, 7:17 PM
Thanks John,

nah, nothin else. few and far between. glad ya liked it though.

Ken

John Miliunas
10-28-2006, 7:37 PM
Thanks John,

nah, nothin else. few and far between. glad ya liked it though.

Ken

Well, that was good, fer shore! :D But hey, seeing as to how you're in the medical profession and all, I've been kind of wondering about something else and, being in a cold climate yourself, you may have an answer for this one: I always hear folks saying, "Dang, it's colder than a well digger's a-- out there!" Well, exactly how cold is that? :confused: :eek: :D :cool:

Andy Hoyt
10-28-2006, 8:46 PM
Thanks for clearing this up, Doc.

I always thought it was a river in Paraguay.:eek:

Mack Cameron
10-28-2006, 8:55 PM
This is why the Washington State University declared formally that it was not to be referred to as WASU, which we all pronounce Wazoo. People here on the western side of the state, especially U of Washington people, were then of course even more likely to call it WASU.
A new college some years back in Eastern Ontario were going to call themselves the "South Hastings Institute of Technology" until they discovered what that looked like on the back of a leather jacket.

Ben Werner
10-28-2006, 9:13 PM
Oops Ben didn't log off, and I posted under his name...

Hey John,
I've heard alot of weather metaphors, but that's a new one on me. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever felt how cold a well digger's a-- is. Don't think I want to either.
Ken
Bear in mind that little thing was written AS IF I were a doctor.
Ken

Lee DeRaud
10-28-2006, 9:24 PM
A new college some years back in Eastern Ontario were going to call themselves the "South Hastings Institute of Technology" until they discovered what that looked like on the back of a leather jacket.Back in the '70s, the Florida Technological University (outside of Orlando) decided they needed a name change. One suggestion almost made it to the finals, mostly because its sponsors were very careful never to refer to it by the initials: "University of Florida at Orlando". Unfortunately, some spoilsport let the regents in on the joke at the last minute.

Certainly would have made for better mascots than "University of Central Florida", which is what they ended up with.

Lee DeRaud
10-28-2006, 9:26 PM
I always thought it was a river in Paraguay.:eek:I thought it was where Moxie is brewed (or pumped or conjured or whatever arcane process leads to its existence).

Curt Fuller
10-28-2006, 11:37 PM
I would imagine that if you ever really wanted to know just how cold it is when it's colder than a well digger's a-- you'd have to stick a thermometer up his Wazoo.

Thanks Ken for the enlightenment. It's a word that I use no less than 20 times a day most days and in most of the contexts mentioned here.

Gary Herrmann
10-29-2006, 11:02 AM
Good post Ken, I'll wait till my son leaves the room until I tell my wife. He's 6, and I don't want to have to hear the word wazoo 487 times before I drop him off at school on Monday.

Al Willits
10-29-2006, 11:22 AM
Just wondering if ya had any pictures of Ms. Haboob perchance?

hehe


Good post

Al

Ernie Kuhn
10-30-2006, 4:58 AM
This is why the Washington State University declared formally that it was not to be referred to as WASU, which we all pronounce Wazoo. People here on the western side of the state, especially U of Washington people, were then of course even more likely to call it WASU.
Joe,
As an alum of WAZOO, I'm proud to call it that, despite the strait-laced admin-admonishment, especially when talking to U-Dubbers.
Ernie

Chip Charnley
10-30-2006, 10:23 AM
Well, that was good, fer shore! :D But hey, seeing as to how you're in the medical profession and all, I've been kind of wondering about something else and, being in a cold climate yourself, you may have an answer for this one: I always hear folks saying, "Dang, it's colder than a well digger's a-- out there!" Well, exactly how cold is that? :confused: :eek: :D :cool:

Well, I ain't in the medical profession but I would assume it's as cold as a witch's t-- (given the season and all) :eek: :rolleyes: :D

Ken Fitzgerald
10-30-2006, 11:34 AM
I would imagine that if you ever really wanted to know just how cold it is when it's colder than a well digger's a-- you'd have to stick a thermometer up his Wazoo.

Thanks Ken for the enlightenment. It's a word that I use no less than 20 times a day most days and in most of the contexts mentioned here.

Curt.............As a former "rough neck"....or well digger..........I can tell you that the insertion might be an interesting experience.........They typically don't go for that stuff!

George Conklin
10-30-2006, 11:43 AM
Curt.............As a former "rough neck"....or well digger..........I can tell you that the insertion might be an interesting experience.........They typically don't go for that stuff!

LOL!!!:eek: :D

Jim Becker
10-30-2006, 11:53 AM
Careful, folks...remember that young eyes are members and read this site...some of these, um...inferences...are getting a little too close to the edge.

Jim
Moderator

Ken Werner
10-30-2006, 12:19 PM
Thanks for jumping in, Jim.
Ken

Kevin Herber
10-30-2006, 3:13 PM
Sounds like a lot of academic research when the easiest and quickest way to determine the answer would have been to join your son for lunch one day....