To my friends/family who forward every e-mail they receive

[Barry Stratton]

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat droppings in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest since I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.

[Ken Fitzgerald]

It really happened to a lawyer? What a shame!

[Al Willits]

"""""""""""
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.
""""""""""""""


After being married for over 25 years to a women who's nickname is "Shebeast" you think that's gonna worry me??? :D

I know what ya mean, I used to get them all the time, then I discovered the block sender feature and its cut down some.
I also noticed a marked decrease in emails right after the latest virus hoax that had you deleting most of your hard drive to remove it.
There was no virus, btw

What worries me is, there's people who actually believe the crap that gets sent around.


Al Your getting the tennis shoes too..huh? :D <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

[Lee DeRaud]

What worries me is, there's people who actually believe the crap that gets sent around.<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->At least one of the ones on this list got posted here recently. :eek:

[Doug Shepard]

...
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
...


And just where is this parking lot where I can go to get paid $5.00 to provide this service??:D I'm assuming this is a woman hiding under my car ? Not too many guys I know would fit under there.;)

[Steve Clardy]

Lol.

I have an uncle that does nothing but forward this stuff.
Simple cure, I blocked him.

[Matt Meiser]

Lol.

I have an uncle that does nothing but forward this stuff.
Simple cure, I blocked him.

We must be related through the same uncle! :D

[Mark Rios]

And just where is this parking lot where I can go to get paid $5.00 to provide this service??:D I'm assuming this is a woman hiding under my car ? Not too many guys I know would fit under there.;)



Where can I find this woman????



:D

[Barry Stratton]

At least one of the ones on this list got posted here recently. :eek:

Really??? cough, cough....which one cough, cough??

[Kevin French]

MY SIG ON ALL MY EMAILS

If you receive an email that says to forward to all your friends, forget we were ever friends