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View Full Version : :-) You know it's time to diet when...



Mark Cothren
02-24-2006, 9:11 AM
Feel free to add to the list....:D


- You dance and it makes the band skip

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side"

- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of the milk carton

- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

- You could sell shade

- Your blood type is Ragu

Ken Fitzgerald
02-24-2006, 9:42 AM
- People ask you to wear stripes so they can tell if you're walking or rolling...

Michael Stafford
02-24-2006, 10:11 AM
- When gravy is your main condiment.
- When the seat belt extension on the airplane needs a seat belt extension.
- When you walk into a fine men's store and they immediately say,"Sir, let
me show you our selections in the portly department".
- When they close the buffet upon your arrival.
- When you look better in a muu muu than in a suit.
- When you jump up in the air and get stuck.
- When your house looks like a Little Debbie graveyard.
- When you go to the beach and all you come back with is a bad sunburn
and harpoon wounds.
- When people keep trying to push you back into the water at the beach.

And from the mouth of the immortal "Weird Al" Yankovic:

"Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right

My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown

Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat

When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code

When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat

If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house
I really sit around the house

You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know, you know, you know, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd
Lemme tell you once again

You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, you know, hoo
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud
Just tell me once again who's fat."

Brett Baldwin
02-24-2006, 10:55 AM
- while walking backward, you get a ticket for not having a backup warning siren.

- you buy a 1-ton pickup and still are overweight on the axles.

- you qualify for the HOV lane while driving alone.

Jeff Sudmeier
02-24-2006, 11:00 AM
Hey I resemble those!! :)

In all honesty it was something stupid that shocked me into change. I was sitting in a chair at work and could feel both arm rests touching my sides. The next day I went on Atkins!! It has been only 5 days and I have lost 10 lbs so far :)

Andy Hoyt
02-24-2006, 11:11 AM
I used to be "portly" so I went on a diet and lost a couple of pounds.

Trouble is, everytime I determine to lose more weight, it just those same two over and over and over again.

Jerry Clark
02-24-2006, 11:33 AM
You lose some weight--:) ----- but then you find it!:rolleyes:

Rob Bourgeois
02-24-2006, 11:50 AM
--you try to get in shape...round is a shape right.

/not round but a shrinking spare tire.

Dang Abita. I have drank enough to rebuild one city block since the hurricane , gained 10 pounds too. See my signature for explantion.

Randy Moore
02-25-2006, 11:16 AM
I lost about 100# 12 years ago. :) It has not come back to me yet, I hope it don't. The way I lost weight was to quit drinking. I still eat a lot. I had a problem with alcohol. I drank a least 24 bottles of beer a night and then on friday and saturday night I got serious, :eek: the beer plus any shots the bartender wanted to put in front of me.
I was lucky no wrecks or meetings with the police.
Now if I could just get off the d@## smokes.:confused:

Randy

Fred Voorhees
02-25-2006, 11:58 AM
You cut yourself and you bleed gravy.

Charles McKinley
02-25-2006, 11:25 PM
SKinny guy (SG) Man you are Fat! When is the last time you saw your pp?

Fat guy (FG) I don't know.

SG: Don't you think you should diet?

FG: Why? What color is it now?





If you didn't get it right away think "dye it" for diet.

Jerry Dickens
02-26-2006, 8:51 AM
You lose some weight--:) ----- but then you find it!:rolleyes:
Yea, I know what you mean, lose some, find more is always my problem.

Guy Germaine
02-26-2006, 9:55 AM
You step on a scale and it says "One at a time, Please." :D

Jim Hager
02-26-2006, 1:40 PM
You fall down and rock yourself to sleep getting up:confused:

You tried to jog to loose weight but had to stop because your belly button kept taking a suction on your forehead.:rolleyes:

Your realize that a 6013 welding rod is not strong enough to hold you up.:p

The springs on your car are worn out on one side.:o

Curt Fuller
02-26-2006, 6:03 PM
When you fill up the tub and then turn on the water:D

Dave Dionne
02-26-2006, 9:38 PM
Randy

Congrats on the quiting drinking, It has been about 18 yrs for me, I was a case a day person for a fairly long time and on the days off it was a case plus the better part of a quart of Whiskey. Love being sober and lost allot of weight until about 5 yrs ago when I gave up the 2 pack a day habit, must have put on about 75 lbs. Working on that now, on the plus side since I quit smoking, my blood pressure is good, my breathing got allot better and the potatoe chips tste better:rolleyes:

Good luck

Dave


I lost about 100# 12 years ago. :) It has not come back to me yet, I hope it don't. The way I lost weight was to quit drinking. I still eat a lot. I had a problem with alcohol. I drank a least 24 bottles of beer a night and then on friday and saturday night I got serious, :eek: the beer plus any shots the bartender wanted to put in front of me.
I was lucky no wrecks or meetings with the police.
Now if I could just get off the d@## smokes.:confused:

Randy