Do Veterans like being "thanked for their service"?

[Edwin Santos]

"Thank you for your service" has become more popular and common than I ever remember in the past. Even among television newscasters, show hosts and Hollywood types.

The subject over whether veterans like the gesture or not came up over some happy hour talk. I have a group of veteran friends, different ages, some having served in war theater and others not.

I got different answers among my small sample group, some surprising. This makes me conflicted about whether to engage in the practice myself. I have noticed we have a lot of veterans here, so I thought I might solicit some opinions in the search of good etiquette. Thanks

[Lee Schierer]

As a vet, I don't mind people thanking me. I served during the Viet Nam and first Iraq conflict, but never served in either location or any other war zone. I did have stuff thrown at me and endured verbal abuse during the Viet Nam era. When I see Vets, we generally acknowledge each other and sometimes we speak and compare service experiences. I tell Viet Nam Vets that I appreciate what they did and am glad they made it home. Most were not welcomed at the time. I did serve 5 years active duty and 21 in the Reserves for a total of 26 years.

[Frederick Skelly]

There's a man here on SMC who is a former Marine. He told a story of returning from Vietnam and even being ridiculed by guys at the VFW. I had a reservist friend who returned from the first Gulf War only to be heckled by protestors at the airport after being gone for a year. I have a female coworker who did 2 tours in Iraq and is still visibly shaken by it. These things bug me a lot. I can't "fix" what happened to any of them and all the others like them. But when I thank someone for their service, I'm trying to say "I realize you were out there protecting me and my neighbors. I recognize that you may have paid a price that I will never fully understand. I stand with you - you are not alone. Thank you."

Fred

[Nicholas Lawrence]

You get a lot of variation. Indicators they want to be thanked:

(1) they complain about whether or not they got some discount over five dollars worth of screws at the hardware store;

(2) they post pictures of themselves in uniform on veteran's day;

Indicators they do not want to be thanked:

(1) they look uncomfortable or change the subject when somebody wants to talk about it.


"Thank you for your service" has become more popular and common than I ever remember in the past. Even among television newscasters, show hosts and Hollywood types.

The subject over whether veterans like the gesture or not came up over some happy hour talk. I have a group of veteran friends, different ages, some having served in war theater and others not.

I got different answers among my small sample group, some surprising. This makes me conflicted about whether to engage in the practice myself. I have noticed we have a lot of veterans here, so I thought I might solicit some opinions in the search of good etiquette. Thanks

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Just like every member of SMC, veterans are individuals too. It's hard to determine how someone may feel, but I'd suggest not going overboard in the process.

I served 8 years active duty, 1968-1976, a USN Vietnam Era veteran but not a Vietnam veteran.

[Ted Calver]

Makes me a bit uncomfortable after twenty seven active duty years from Vietnam to the gulf wars, as it seems to have become somewhat cliché, and I always am obligated to say thanks for your support. I'd rather people showed their support by urging their representatives to support active and retired military, and veterans health care programs...including long term care and support for wounded warriors. Also, there are other public service occupations that are hazardous like fire and police work that deserve the same kind of regard and support. Not sure how this got started. Is it the national guilty conscience reacting to the way returning Vietnam vets were treated?

[Jerome Stanek]

I served and I am humbled by the thank you I don't expect free meals or any different service on Veterans Day like my brother in law he thinks it his right

[Rod Sheridan]

As Ken indicated veterans are people and have a wide range of personalities.

My father and his brothers, as well as those of my mother were extremely uncomfortable talking about their service and certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone thanking them.

It all depends upon the person.

As I’m Canadian, that may be the issue, it’s rare to have people talk about military service, it’s also rare to see a house with a flag on it.

Everyone is different........Regards, Rod

[John Makar]

Navy, 1971-1975, a little Pacific but not Vietnam, mostly N.Atlantic in ASW. I had 'friends' back home who cursed me for being in the miltary during the war, although at that point my units were targeted against Soviet boats off Iceland. A woman made a point of standing on the freeway in San Diego yelling at recruits in Basic that they were baby killers. I stayed overseas rather than put up with it.

I wish I believed it was genuine. To me it seems like a cynical effort by politicians to make nice after treating millions of guys like me like trash. Reagan started it (the apology) and I believe he meant it. It picked up after Clinton's draft evasion became known, and treatment of vets became a political issue.

I have had several friends that were in-country grunts who have died of cancer. I have heard stories of Iraq vets with reactions to the drugs they were given. If they really, really want to thank me for my service than can fix the many, many known problems in the V.A. But that costs money, not words, so seems a much lower priority.

[Kev Williams]

Makes me a bit uncomfortable after twenty seven active duty years from Vietnam to the gulf wars, as it seems to have become somewhat cliché...
I don't particularly like clichés or 'fad phrases' - such as the tiresome "no worries"... I cringe every time someone says that!

I'm not a vet, but the phrase "Thank You for your Service" has become so redundant and overused that it's like reading from a script, just going thru the motions. Yeah, the thought is there but you're using someone else's words; using your own words speaks more from the heart. I have many off-the-street customers that, simply based on their respectful speech (calling me "Sir" is a dead giveaway), I pretty much know they've been in the military, and I'll usually ask: "Military?" - and I'll base my 'thank you' on his/her response, and ensuing chat, if any...

[Mark Daily]

My brother is a retired Air Force colonel and he appreciates being thanked for his service.

As a member of a military vehicle restoration club, I come in contact with veterans of all ages. None of them have any problem with people thanking them.

[Dave Anderson NH]

As some have already said, it varies from yes to no to depending. I served as a Marine grunt in Vietnam 1968-69 and received 2 Purple Hearts. I have for 5 years volunteered 1 day a week at our NH VA Medical Center. Among us old farts from the era, the common greeting is "Welcome Home." This is because the vast majority of us were ignored at best and vilified at worst upon our return to the states. I personally am neutral to it and am careful to respond with a Thank you. I long go decided that there was no useful reason to suspect people's motives for offering thanks or denigrate the gesture. Life has been good to me both health wise and financially. I choose to volunteer to support my brother and sister veterans many of whom have not had the benefits I have enjoyed. One of life's major choices is to decide whether to be positive or bitter and resentful. I chose being positive.

[Mel Fulks]

"I love you" gets used a lot ,too. It's obviously ok to dislike a needed phrase, but good luck finding something original and
short. I wonder how many veterans want to hear " good job on that mission,you really kicked butt, My Grampa said
that was a really tough mission. And when he came back he really had a tough time getting used to being just a citizen
again,blah ,blah ,blah"

[lowell holmes]

USNR for eight years, two years active duty starting with the Berlin crisis.

[Nicholas Lawrence]

Makes me a bit uncomfortable after twenty seven active duty years from Vietnam to the gulf wars, as it seems to have become somewhat cliché, and I always am obligated to say thanks for your support. I'd rather people showed their support by urging their representatives to support active and retired military, and veterans health care programs...including long term care and support for wounded warriors. Also, there are other public service occupations that are hazardous like fire and police work that deserve the same kind of regard and support. Not sure how this got started. Is it the national guilty conscience reacting to the way returning Vietnam vets were treated?

I hope nobody takes this the wrong way, but it was an honest question, and I think it deserves an honest answer. Personally, I have never figured out what to say in response. Am I supposed to say "you're welcome?" I did not do anything for you. I did it for my family, my community, and because I felt I had a duty to. When you say thank you for your service am I supposed to talk about it? I am not looking to talk about it. I usually end up mumbling something and changing the subject.

I do not oppose anybody who wants to lobby or write letters or wear flag pins or say thank you for your service. And I appreciate what they are trying to do. But I personally do not do that. There is too much fraud in the VA system for me to feel like people should be obligated to support blindly throwing taxpayer dollars at it. Same unfortunately with a lot of the charities. I see ads and get calls all the time from people wanting money to support veterans causes, firemen and police. If you write down the name and look it up most of them are basically frauds. They donate a few pennies to some other charity, and 90% of what you donate goes to pay the people making the phone calls and to pay six figure salaries for the people who are arranging for the advertisements and hiring the people to make the phone calls.

When we came back from Fallujah in 2004, we had a brief stop in Maine. When we got off the plane there was a line of about 100 local people waiting to meet us. They all had their cell phones out and were standing there so people could call home and let family know we were safe on American soil. We were told folks in that town made arrangements to have a group of people meet every flight coming in so people could make calls before they had to get back on the plane. Nobody thanked us for our service, but I will never forget that small kindness as long as I live.

When I was a kid there was a revolutionary war veteran buried on the hill behind my grandfather's house. Every Memorial day, fourth of July and Veteran's day a flag was on that grave. Every year somebody bought the flag, walked up the hill, and made that happen. Around here, every December people show up at the veteran's cemetery to place wreathes on the graves. Every January people show up to pick them up. Lots of people know they do that at Arlington, but there are groups of people all around the country who do that at their local cemeteries. People just show up and do it. It is a good way to spend part of a morning with your kids or whoever else might want to come along.

Lately they have been doing these "honor flights" for veterans to come in to D.C. and go to the memorials and cemeteries. Many of them are in wheelchairs or have other issues and need help to make those trips. I have met one, and it was a good thing to do. They need help getting people to the airport, help with luggage, etc. They need that help not just in D.C., but also in the states where people are coming from. Lots of places have VA hospitals, church groups, etc. where folks can volunteer and do small things that make a difference.

ETA: just want to be clear I am not criticizing Ted's response. It has the ring of truth for me, and inspired me to try to answer the question more directly than my initial response, that is why I quoted it.

[Mel Fulks]

There are other phrases that have become obligatory. I've always thought "How do you do" sounds strange and makes
no sense. But the etiquette books cite it as the only proper thing to say to someone to whom you are being introduced.
The books also say it has no proper answer but "How do you do". I suggest that "thank you for your service" might get
the same status in the books, might have already happened.

[Stan Calow]

Twenty-seven years in Reserves. During that time, I was often in uniform in public or traveling in uniform. After 9/11, people were pretty emotional and the thanks was heartfelt. After a few years, I got a bit jaded, and unlike Dave, sometimes got irritated and judgmental. Kids saying thanks always got a warm response. High school & college age kids, I often suggested that they were welcome to join too (I meant it, but they usually cringed). Middle-age folks, if they were working, I'd thank them for their service right back (sincerely). Other folks, I'd judge their sincerity and sometimes thank them for paying their taxes, to see what their reaction would be. Sometimes, you can tell they really meant, "thanks for your service so my kids don't have to" including a couple of co-workers who said as much. Hearing from veterans meant more. Some folks that had to add political commentary - that I never appreciated.

[Erik Loza]

...I did it for my family, my community, and because I felt I had a duty to...

The only vet I personally have a friendship with was part of the Navy during the first Gulf War. He doesn't advertise his service history and actually will not discuss it in casual conversation, but was one of the "team"-guys that has been popularized in the media lately. I asked him once about how he felt about the publicity the current generation of team guys seem to be seeking with movies, books, social media, etc. His reply was that it was an honor for him to serve his country and there was no other reward needed beyond that. That was his job and he did his job. He's a real regular guy, I wish him a happy Veteran's Day on FB every year, and most of our conversation is about stuff entirely non-military.

Erik

[Darcy Warner]

I am more inclined to show my appreciation for any WW2 vet I see, my grandfather included, who still alive.

IMO, that was the greatest generation and there are very few left.

[Roger Feeley]

My thanks to all that responded and to moderators that allowed this thread a bit of latitude. This is a question that has bugged me for a long time. I was never comfortable as a non-veteran offering up an automatic “thank you for your service”. My preference, if the person is willing to talk is to take a genuine interest in their experience and try to learn from it.

humorous story: I narrowly missed being drafted to Vietnam Nam so never served. During the first gulf war, a friend had a son in Iraq with the rangers. I lived in Kansas City which happens to be the national headquarters of the VFW. I thought it would be a nice gesture to get the parents a blue star banner. So, having just had my knee replaced, there I was outside the VFW hobbling along on crutches. I swear, I couldn’t go ten feet without someone stopping me on the sidewalk and thanking me for my service. At first I tried to explain but soon gave up and just acknowledge them. I knew it was undeserved but I guessed it made those folks feel good. I figured I would find a way to pay penance and the opportunity presented itself the next weekend. My wife and I were in a nice restaurant and there was a couple a few tables away. He was a marine in full dress and she was in a wedding gown. A quick conversation with the manager and their bill was paid.

[Frederick Skelly]

My wife and I were in a nice restaurant and there was a couple a few tables away. He was a marine in full dress and she was in a wedding gown. A quick conversation with the manager and their bill was paid.

That was classy Roger.

[Tom M King]

Since it's never a sure thing, how it will be taken, I just wouldn't say it.

[roger wiegand]

I didn't serve in the military and I'm uncomfortable with the automatic phrase. I choose to vote for officials who will actually support veterans and their needs and not just wave the flag. Back when I traveled a lot and almost always had an upgraded seat it was fun to anonymously swap seats with a soldier or sailor in uniform on the flight. It always seemed to be appreciated.

[Brett Luna]

As a veteran...MSgt, USAF (Ret)...I don't mind being thanked but "you're welcome" always sounds like I'm taking too much credit, so I usually respond with "it was my privilege." I've run into a few of the younger generation who followed mine who respond that they're only doing their jobs. I respect the humility but my take on it is, if I can thank my restaurant server, my grocery bagger, or my doctor, I can certainly thank a vet.

[Nicholas Lawrence]

I usually respond with "it was my privilege."

That is better than anything I have every come up with. Thanks for posting it.

[andy bessette]

... I served during the Viet Nam and first Iraq conflict, but never served in either location or any other war zone. I did have stuff thrown at me and endured verbal abuse during the Viet Nam era...

Musta been rough on you. (Personally, I'd edit out the italicized part of your post and the related part of my post) Thank you for your service.

I served in Vietnam from Jan '67 to Feb '68. While it is sometimes somewhat uncomfortable to hear others thank me for my service, I accept it with good grace because it makes them feel better somehow. I thank them for saying so. And I have become accustomed to thanking other vets for their service, whether or not they saw combat.

[Mike Henderson]

I'm in the group that thinks "Thank you for your service" is cliché and I never know how to respond. I often think of saying, "Well, you know, I didn't have a choice." But I understand that people want to acknowledge my service and I appreciate that.

Truth is, from the time I went in, I just wanted to survive and get home.

Mike
US Army 68-71
Vietnam 70-71

[Bruce Wrenn]

. It picked up after Clinton's draft evasion became known.

Don't forget that the elder Bush bought his son a "free ticket" to stay out of the war. Never served. Father was put out of service in WW2 due to breaking a leg in a mess hall at Fort Benning. They sent him home to help on the farm, and drafted his younger brother to take his place. The two times I was elligible for the draft, older brother was in Nam (two tours.)

[John Makar]

Oh, it's very much bi-partisan. Lately the (D)s seem to be making a point of recruiting vets for congressional races. We'll see. The main rule I see in politics is the almost certainty both sides will miscalculate and overplay their hand.

Understand I'm not bitter. My life is immeasurably better because of my Navy time. Some of the same people who were down on me sure were envying later when the VA wrote my home loan, and my BS paid for by the 'Bill was getting me jobs they could never imagine.

We won the Cold War in the N.Lant., we had to. I have never had doubts about the importance of that. They were good, had to be to run diesel boats on the surface of the Norwegian Sea in February, but we were better. Neither Clinton or Bush will ever know that feeling.

[Lee Schierer]

Okay folks, this is straying into politics, lets keep it about the vets or the thread will be closed.

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Okay folks, this is straying into politics, lets keep it about the vets or the thread will be closed.

Thank you Lee!

[Jason Roehl]

My perspective as a non-vet civilian is this (eyesight wouldn't let me join in '93): whether or not you joined willingly, you served. And that service was to this country (and others), of which I am a citizen. Ergo, you served me. I try to practice good manners, which includes thanking people when they do things for me. Whether or not you were in the thick of combat or not is irrelevant to me, because anybody in uniform could get orders to be sent to a theater of war at almost any time. Or it could come here. So, even if you don't know how to or don't want to respond, I still thank those of you out there who served. For those who did not receive a warm welcome back to the U.S., I'm glad you're back and welcome home.

[Prashun Patel]

Perhaps the “thank you” part seems incomplete.

Military service is complicated in ways that civilians may not understand. I can appreciate how some may feel that thanks without that full understanding feels awkward to receive.

But it’s a genuine attempt.

I wish we had a word to explain the middle ground between gratefulness, respect, and I-see-even-though-I-don’t-fully-know. I think we use “support” as this proxY but even that feels slightly off mark.

[Thomas L Carpenter]

It's become trendy. The only place that says it to me is Lowes because of my Lowes 10% discount. I don't usually wear anything identifying me as a veteran. I suspect half of them say it because their cash register tells them to. I'm usually a little inwardly amused because "thank you for your service" connotes doing it voluntarily and I was drafted. I still say thanks.

[Dave Sheldrake]

A respectful but silent nod of the head and a handshake if offered. Just so the Vet knows that you know and respect them.

Like many have said, the whole "Thank you for your service" has become cliche and almost like saying "Nice weather today"..

[Malcolm McLeod]

My perspective as a non-vet civilian is this (eyesight wouldn't let me join in '93): whether or not you joined willingly, you served. And that service was to this country (and others), of which I am a citizen. Ergo, you served me. I try to practice good manners, which includes thanking people when they do things for me. Whether or not you were in the thick of combat or not is irrelevant to me, because anybody in uniform could get orders to be sent to a theater of war at almost any time. Or it could come here. So, even if you don't know how to or don't want to respond, I still thank those of you out there who served. For those who did not receive a warm welcome back to the U.S., I'm glad you're back and welcome home.

Nicely sums up what I have been thrashing around trying to formulate.

Only 1 thing I'll add: In 240-odd years, the US military has never sought to usurp the authority of those they serve. ...Not sure there are many equivalents in world history? If for no other reason than this, Vets, please allow me to extend my thanks.

[Rod Sheridan]

Nicely sums up what I have been thrashing around trying to formulate.

Only 1 thing I'll add: In 240-odd years, the US military has never sought to usurp the authority of those they serve. ...Not sure there are many equivalents in world history? If for no other reason than this, Vets, please allow me to extend my thanks.

Malcolm, I would expect that the British military may be older, as well as many of European countries........However, your military is certainly older than ours..........Regards, Rod.

[Malcolm McLeod]

Malcolm, I would expect that the British military may be older, as well as many of European countries........However, your military is certainly older than ours..........Regards, Rod.

The key was not the age, but rather "usurp". I'm not sure how many military organizations, having achieved some degree of military power, have refrained from extending that power into their native governance.

Some might argue that a US general becoming President may give lie to this, but I hold that in our history, the general has first retired or resigned their commission. As I recall, Britain had some issues with who 'controlled' their military during WWI..?

[Edwin Santos]

As I recall, Britain had some issues with who 'controlled' their military during WWI..?

Huh??

Britain's activities in WWI were directed by a War Cabinet assembled by Prime Minister Asquith as part of Britain's declaration of war. Asquith was leader of the majority party (Liberal) in the House of Commons.
Are you saying the British military, or some part of it turned on it's own government during WWI? If there was such an attempted coup, please educate me.

Edwin

[Malcolm McLeod]

Huh??

Britain's activities in WWI were directed by a War Cabinet assembled by Prime Minister Asquith as part of Britain's declaration of war.
Are you saying the British military, or some part of it turned on it's own government during WWI? If so, please educate me.

Edwin

I never mentioned 'turned', 'mutiny', or even 'insubordination' (gotta go to WWI France for that!). The Asquith administration you reference is only a small, initial part of overall war effort; it got MUCH more complex. Can't cite all from memory, but gist is that officers reported to the crown, and civilian war ministers reported to Parliament. Each questioned the authority and competency of the other. Some might say the military usurped (at some level) civilian control over the military. Some may not.

... and will end my diversion from OP here. Thanks.

[Nicholas Lawrence]

You may be thinking of Lord Kitchener’s dominance in the war cabinet in the early years of the war, which Lord Fisher tried to emulate at the admiralty when he resigned. Lloyd George’s administration definitely worked to reassert civilian control over war policy. However, there was no coup or anything like that. It was more a matter of civilians being overly deferential to the national hero they put in charge of the war department.

I would have to go back to the glorious revolution of 1688 to think of something like a coup in british history. William did invade, but did so at the request of a group of senior army commanders, and with the understanding they would bring their troops to support him if he landed. Before that of course there was Cromwell.

[Mark Blatter]

A respectful but silent nod of the head and a handshake if offered. Just so the Vet knows that you know and respect them.

Like many have said, the whole "Thank you for your service" has become cliche and almost like saying "Nice weather today"..



I believe the 'Nice weather today' generally has more meaning than most of the 'thank you's I have received. Except in Hawaii since the weather there is almost always nice.

As others have said, most civilians don't have any idea what being in the military is about. For most of them, it is about equivalent to being a park ranger.

The ones I truly appreciate are those in the Coast Guard. As a Navy officer, I thought we had a fairly tough gig with deployments, working up for deployment, etc. Then I talked to a Coastie officer and learned what their schedule was like. I was glad to be home as much as I was compared to those wonderful hardworking people.

[Malcolm McLeod]

... most civilians don't have any idea what being in the military is about. For most of them, it is about equivalent to being a park ranger.
...

Mark, I've quoted you here, but this is to all the similar respondents - I am surprised by the numbers and truly sorry you feel this way. And clearly, I AM missing something.

Why does a civilian need to know what your respective service experiences are 'about'? Could a 'thank you' not be just about their gratitude? How will you feel if they just flat-out ignore you and your Vet hat?

Does this concept apply to restaurant's wait staff? (I've never been waiter, so sadly don't know what its about.) Teachers maybe?

Perhaps I am in the middle of this military<>civilian understanding gulf..?? Never served, but my father was, well apparently, a 'park ranger'. I was born in Germany while my father had an F-86D strapped to his ass. Some of my earliest memories are him explaining what it meant when the Squadron Commander and Base Chaplin arrived by GI sedan in front of the house. And this was in peace time; training was apparently dangerous too. Families of my father's friends received such visits and I grew up with their children. Does this middle ground allow me to say 'thank you for your service' with more grace than 'looks like rain'? If so, do I pre-identify my understanding in some way?

And my profound apologies if this sounds scolding, but if you wish to avoid the awkwardness of a 'thank you', perhaps remove any clues to your status as a vet..??

Again, my apologies ... I am most assuredly missing something profound, but I would truly like to learn more.

[Prashun Patel]

... most civilians don't have any idea what being in the military is about....


True



...For most of them, it is about equivalent to being a park ranger...


That is not true. I certainly do not think that, and don't know anyone who does.

[DannyC White]

Interesting thread. I started surfing around and found this, it explains the way I feel about the whole thing better than I can express:

Some veterans believe that saying “thank you for your service” is almost a way for civilians to massage away some of the guilt at not participating themselves. During a recent interview with the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/22/sunday-review/please-dont-thank-me-for-my-service.html), Army veteran Michael Freedman, 33, feels like the thanks “alleviates some of the civilian guilt,” adding: “They have no skin in the game with these wars. There’s no draft. No real opinions either,” he said. “At least with Vietnam, people spit on you and you knew they had an opinion. Thank you for your service is almost the equivalent of ‘I haven’t thought about any of this.’”

What bothers me more, is the assumption that every vet has PTSD and is some type of psycho bomb ready to ignite or is mentally damaged. There's plenty of that to go around for the civilians.

For me personally I make it a habit of almost always silently paying for the meals of any police or service members I see without letting them know it was me. I tell the waiter "just tell them someone appreciates them." Funny thing, in most places, the meals for police is often at a discount, often half price food and free drinks, usually costs me hardly anything LOL.

And yes I'm a vet, but that doesn't define me, I prefer no just keep that to myself. I don't wear a bunch of medals or military gear to broadcast it.

[Prashun Patel]

Interesting thread. I started surfing around and found this, it explains the way I feel about the whole thing better than I can express:

Some veterans believe that saying “thank you for your service” is almost a way for civilians to massage away some of the guilt at not participating themselves. During a recent interview with the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/22/sunday-review/please-dont-thank-me-for-my-service.html), Army veteran Michael Freedman, 33, feels like the thanks “alleviates some of the civilian guilt,” adding: “They have no skin in the game with these wars. There’s no draft. No real opinions either,” he said. “At least with Vietnam, people spit on you and you knew they had an opinion. Thank you for your service is almost the equivalent of ‘I haven’t thought about any of this.’”

What bothers me more, is the assumption that every vet has PTSD and is some type of psycho bomb ready to ignite or is mentally damaged. There's plenty of that to go around for the civilians.
.

I don't have civilian guilt. I have real opinions. I don't assume any vet has PTSD. Generalizations can be inaccurate in both ways.

[DannyC White]

Prashun, I was only replying to the thread with my thoughts, this was not directed towards you or anyone else.

[Prashun Patel]

My point is, there are some generalizations being made about civilians that are not always accurate.

[Edwin Santos]

OP here, many interesting perspectives in this thread. I've also informally polled veteran acquaintances, friends and others in passing. It seems that veteran reactions to being thanked can be as varied as the intentions (all good) of the civilians thanking them.

Regarding generalizations, one person in the thread made a park ranger comment suggesting that some civilians might trivialize the role of those in service. Perhaps there are some cases of this.
However, a young lady veteran co-worker of mine felt exactly the opposite. Her impression is that the majority of civilians associate military service with things like heroism, injury, sacrifice, etc.
In her case, she joined the Navy as a pathway to the college education that otherwise would not have been available to her. She served on the USS Ronald Reagan, never seeing conflict. While proud of her service and thankful to the Navy for the opportunities it gave her, she (modestly) feels her particular service was not heroic enough to warrant thanks from the public.
She said this out of respect for others who have seen combat, suffered injury, sacrifice, or worse yet, POWs. So long story short, when being thanked she feels that kind of awkwardness that comes from being credited for something that you didn't actually do.

Anyway, I haven't heard of a single veteran who was "insulted" by being thanked, so it's certainly not a bad practice per se. I've concluded being appreciative of the military is part of good citizenry and patriotism, and just general decency.

Where possible if a short conversation could strike up, it seems best to thank a vet or empathize with their particular situation authentically. Sometimes this just means showing an interest more than a perfunctory "thanks". And if it's not something they care to talk about, you'll pick up on it pretty quickly and can respect their preference and cheerfully move on.

Thanks for all the feedback!

Edwin

[Dave Anderson NH]

Edwin, in regards to your lady co-worker she is wrong to feel as she does. While she was fortunate and didn't see combat there was the chance that things could have changed in an instant. No one can predict the future in this uncertain world. One of the better definitions of a veteran is: A veteran is a person who at one time in their life signed a blank check payable to the United States of America for any amount up to and including their life. Remember that service men and women die in training accidents and other types of mishaps so missing combat is not in itself a guarantee of safety.

[Edwin Santos]

Edwin, in regards to your lady co-worker she is wrong to feel as she does. While she was fortunate and didn't see combat there was the chance that things could have changed in an instant. No one can predict the future in this uncertain world. One of the better definitions of a veteran is: A veteran is a person who at one time in their life signed a blank check payable to the United States of America for any amount up to and including their life. Remember that service men and women die in training accidents and other types of mishaps so missing combat is not in itself a guarantee of safety.

In Ashley's defense, I think she's just a modest person from a modest non-entitled background, and she was reflecting on the price she paid for her particular term of service, not what price she might have, or could have paid.

I do see your point and your good intentions, and I do not mean for her opinion to diminish yours or anyone else's definition of service.
But I see (and kind of admire) her point too and I think each veteran is entitled to their own opinion without anyone else declaring it wrong as such.

Hoping this doesn't come across as unreasonable.
Edwin

[mike stenson]

Edwin, in regards to your lady co-worker she is wrong to feel as she does.

Sorry, but no one is 'wrong' for feeling the way they do about this. Period. It's their thoughts, not yours. Veterans are as varied as people, because they ARE people. Trying to lump them all together, or force your opinion on all of them is pointless, and actually very wrong. FWIW, I know combat vets (of multiple engagements) that feel similarly when asked.

[andy bessette]

Edwin, in regards to your lady co-worker she is wrong to feel as she does... A veteran is a person who at one time in their life signed a blank check payable to the United States of America for any amount up to and including their life. Remember that service men and women die in training accidents and other types of mishaps so missing combat is not in itself a guarantee of safety.

The "signed a blank check" deal is something one hears occasionally from some veterans who were never in any danger, but desire special recognition anyway. People in every walk of life die accidentally and deserve no special recognition for that.

The lady vet is entitled to her feelings--same as the "blank check" vets.

[Thomas L Carpenter]

This is along the line of what civilians think military folks do. I was talking to a young recent high school grad and asked what she planned to do. When she responded she didn't know yet I mentioned that a few years in the service of your country has a tendency to firm up your plans for the future. She immediately replied "Oh no, I could never kill people".

[Ken Fitzgerald]

The "signed a blank check" deal is something one hears occasionally from some veterans who were never in any danger, but desire special recognition anyway. People in every walk of life die accidentally and deserve no special recognition for that.

The lady vet is entitled to her feelings--same as the "blank check" vets.
Andy,

If you look at my very first reply to this post, I stated that veterans opinions could be varied as we are all individuals.

But, sir, unlike any other occupation to my knowledge, those who serve in the military take an oath and as a result of that oath, they can be placed in a life threatening situation, of which they have no choice without paying a severe penalty of imprisonment or even though it hasn't been used in decades, the possibility of facing a firing squad. They can't just walk away from their job.

Dave Anderson, a proud US Marine, fought in Vietnam, lost friends in battle and IIRC, Dave was wounded there too. I didn't serve in Vietnam during my 8 years of enlistment. I am a Vietnam Era veteran but I want no special recognition. The lady vet certainly has a right to her own opinion. But, as she withstood the potential of being ordered into hazardous duty during her service, she deserves the recognition of being a vet if she wants to make public the knowledge of her service. It's her choice.

But, the blank check vets, if they are truly combat veterans, they have earned the right to use that quote. There are sadly, a lot of cheap imitators.

[andy bessette]

...the blank check vets, if they are truly combat veterans, they have earned the right to use that quote...

"Blank check" vets saw no combat; were never in a combat zone. Sorry, tried to make myself clear.

[Lee Schierer]

All of us that signed up to serve whether we saw combat or not endured family separations, missing important family events due to duty requirements and any one of use could have at any time been put in the line of fire or in an extremely hazardous location or situation. The difference between a military service member and a civilian is a civilian always has the choice to walk away from something they would rather not do. Service members do not have that option without penalties. During my 26 years of service, I never was in an active war zone, though I did go to areas that were former war zones and very hazardous, flew many hours in aircraft that landed and or took off from ships, went to sea when the weather was really bad, spent weeks and months away from my family some of which included unplanned duration changes. If I had been called to serve in a war zone, I would have gone without question and performed my job to the best of my ability. Each of us deal with our agreement to serve our country in different ways.

[Malcolm McLeod]

... family separations ... family events ... line of fire ... hazardous situation. ...a civilian always has the choice to walk away ... Service members do not ... in an active war zone, ... former war zones... , flew many hours ..., went to sea..., spent weeks and months away ... I would have gone without question ... to the best of my ability.

Each of us deal with our agreement to serve our country in different ways.

^For each and all, thank you.

I've heard it said we live in an age of specialization. I think this has been true and accelerating for millennia, is unlikely to stop, and in fact will probably continue to further differentiate our societal roles. We are not all warriors, any more than we are all farmers, teachers, firemen, police, EMTs, - - or waiters.

With advancing technology, it's not likely we (the USA) will ever again see the mass mobilizations of the past, but clearly a few will continue to answer the call. I can only hope that our differences don't preclude our ability to recognize and acknowledge those who do so answer.

And I hope none are offended, or even uncomfortable, by my expressed gratitude.

[Mark Blatter]

Mark, I've quoted you here, but this is to all the similar respondents - I am surprised by the numbers and truly sorry you feel this way. And clearly, I AM missing something.

Why does a civilian need to know what your respective service experiences are 'about'? Could a 'thank you' not be just about their gratitude? How will you feel if they just flat-out ignore you and your Vet hat?

Does this concept apply to restaurant's wait staff? (I've never been waiter, so sadly don't know what its about.) Teachers maybe?

Perhaps I am in the middle of this military<>civilian understanding gulf..?? Never served, but my father was, well apparently, a 'park ranger'. I was born in Germany while my father had an F-86D strapped to his ass. Some of my earliest memories are him explaining what it meant when the Squadron Commander and Base Chaplin arrived by GI sedan in front of the house. And this was in peace time; training was apparently dangerous too. Families of my father's friends received such visits and I grew up with their children. Does this middle ground allow me to say 'thank you for your service' with more grace than 'looks like rain'? If so, do I pre-identify my understanding in some way?

And my profound apologies if this sounds scolding, but if you wish to avoid the awkwardness of a 'thank you', perhaps remove any clues to your status as a vet..??

Again, my apologies ... I am most assuredly missing something profound, but I would truly like to learn more.


Malcolm - Thanks for your comments and questions. It truly is a matter of perspective and knowledge or familiarity. While I respect all branches of the service, some get more respect from me than others for the same reason that I guess I don't respect many of the 'thank yous' I have received. For me it all boils down to how much sacrifice each person has made in order to serve. I have known many Army grunts, many more Marines and of course more squids than all others. I have talked with many about their experiences, what they went through, and been able to observe their level of commitment. That is why I mentioned my experience with the Coast Guard. Those people sacrifice an enormous amount for little recognition and a higher amount of disdain. Army and Marines have, over the past 18 years in particular, and pretty much historically, been the ones on the receiving end of all the bad stuff that war brings. They have my complete respect.

The people that I have experienced giving thanks are mostly young though not always. If it is someone that seems to have a clue to what military service is about, than it means more. I suspect that most of the time, it is more of a corporate policy than anything else. The main reason being I never wear anything that says I have served. I don't wear the ball caps that are so prevalent. The only clue might be the continued haircut, but where I live short hair is very common, so not really a clue. Perhaps one of the reasons, I have never thought about it til now, that I don't wear anything is that I would rather not need to respond to a thank you because for me they are unnecessary and few actually know or understand the sacrifices my family went through. I don't know the sacrifices your family went through as your father served. You were there and have a up front knowledge of what transpired. How many days and nights your father was gone. The concern or fear associated with him flying, when there was a crash, etc. How can anyone with little knowledge of that sacrifice give a heartfelt 'thank you'?

Everyone is different, so some/many likely appreciate the thought. Some will nod and want to talk about it. Some, like me, would rather just not have it brought it. I suppose I am a great deal like my father. He simply didn't discuss his time in the Navy during WW2 even though he never actually saw combat. He was training for the invasion of Japan when Trueman dropped the bombs. Still, it just wasn't a topic he much wanted to discuss.

Again, everyone is different and that is how it should be. I have no problems for that appreciate it, but for me, I would rather not receive it. Hope this helps explain my point of view more.