Long Term Relationships and the Value of "Yes Dear"

[Andrew Joiner]

I've been lucky. I've been with my wife for 24 years. I finally learned to do what my older friends told me. The sooner you say "yes Dear" life is easier.
As a young man I had many short term relationships. It was in the "free love" days of the 60's and 70's. I left many great girls for selfish reasons. It was fun until it stopped working. After lot's of suffering I took a personal inventory and saw how selfish I'd been. I stayed single for a while to learn how to be alone, and started over when I met my wife.
Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so unhappy.
I've got a couple friends, Tom and John. They're both my age but very negative and bitter. Both talented guys who worked hard and are retired. They're both single. They both need help to take care of everyday needs, but they're alone and miserable. Tom has kids and grandkids, but they aren't in his life. Sadly I can now see why. That would've been me. I spent lots of time sharing my experience with Tom and some with John, but old dogs and new tricks come to mind.

In helping Tom and John I just had a revelation. I'm not alone and miserable like I easily could've been. I feel blessed that I gave up my self seeking defects young to get a life.

My wife blessed me with stepdaughters, grandkids, and great grandkids. They all love me and most of them would help me if I need it. It's good to be surrounded by loved ones! Even if they keep you awake some nights:)
Anyone else benefiting from the "yes dear" philosophy?

[Matt Day]

I’m not exactly sure what the “yes dear” philosophy is? Are you referring to simply marriage?

[Wayne Lomman]

I agree Andrew. What is too often misunderstood is that saying 'Yes, Dear' is not turning yourself into a doormat. Rather it is a grown up response to life where personal pride does not drive everything. I have been married 39 years now to the same woman who is also my best friend. I would not change anything about our life together regardless of whether the times have been good or bad. Cheers

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Married life is about compromises. "Yes Dear" by both parties is agreeing to compromise or fulfill the spouses needs or demands at that moment. It works for me. This Christmas Eve, my wife and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, God willing.

[Cary Falk]

"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" comes to mind.

[Malcolm McLeod]

"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" comes to mind.
Similarly, I was advised to "...pick your battles. In an argument, determine what you have to gain, and what you have to lose." In 24 happy years, I've rarely found justification enough to 'win'.:D

[Andrew Joiner]

I’m not exactly sure what the “yes dear” philosophy is? Are you referring to simply marriage?
For me I tried to explain more logical(in my male brain) ways to fix problems for the first years with my wife. I eventually learned it was MUCH faster, easier and more pleasant to smile and say yes dear when she asks me to so something.

[Matthew Brawley]

Advice my parents gave me was choose your battles wisely, then my dad told me later that you can win no battle.

[Jim Becker]

Married life is about compromises. "Yes Dear" by both parties is agreeing to compromise or fulfill the spouses needs or demands at that moment. It works for me.

This is totally spot-on. It's also exactly why the relationship between myself and Professor Dr. SWMBO has endured zero fights and very limited disagreements.

[Matthew Brawley]

This is totally spot-on. It's also exactly why the relationship between myself and Professor Dr. SWMBO has endured zero fights and very limited disagreements.

I think me and The boss lady really only disagree over what to cook for dinner or where to go eat.

[Bruce Wrenn]

The easiest way to get in the last word in an argument is to say "yes dear." Later this month, we will be married 40 years. This is a second marriage for both of us

[Steve Eure]

I can honestly say that I have had a great ride these 38 years to the same woman. I made a commitment to her at God's alter at our church and I took that vow very seriously. I have read and also been told that when God is in a marriage, it is ordained by Him and two flesh become one. I truly believe that for she thinks like I do most of the time. We generally agree on everything and very seldom fight. What's really scary or amazing, depending on how you look at it, is many times she or myself will say something and the other is thinking of that same thing at the same time. Tell me tha isn't two becoming one.
I have been blessed beyond measure. She has never questioned my tool, fishing, or hunting purchases and sometimes she has even chipped in to help me buy tools with some of her mad money. She's definitly a keeper. Couldn't imagine life without her.

[Bill McNiel]

I believe in (and practice) "treat every moment with the one you love like a first date, or you will be in for a lot of first dates".

[julian abram]

I agree 100% with Andrew, "yes dear" is a valuable tool in your relationship tool box. After 10 years & 35 years of marriage, I look back and there were very issues worth saying "no dear" which can be the prelude to battle. Also I often give young married men this advice, never mention the good virtues of your mother. Your wife will always feel inferior, become defensive and her memory of your comments will linger for years.:)

[Curt Harms]

I recall a bit of very good relationship advice from I think an Ann Landers column. "Opposites attract but likes last".

[Mike Null]

A fellow I used to work with and for whom I had a lot of respect once told me his number one job in life was taking care of his wife. Now his wife didn't need any special care but I always thought he had a good plan and I've tried to follow it.

[Bill Carey]

A fellow I used to work with and for whom I had a lot of respect once told me his number one job in life was taking care of his wife...

The LOML and I met on a Tuesday night at a friends house, and we moved her stuff into my apartment on Wed. That was 40 years ago and everyday since has been the best day of our lifes. (No small coincidence I've been sober 39 years, I guess). We have 2 grown daughters who have married men that I KNOW will take care of them. I need not worry about either of them. Respect, honesty and laughter have been they keys for us. And, of course, actually liking each other and being best friends.

[Chase Mueller]

Here's a twist, works with the young'ns too! I'm sure no one wants to hear my life story, so I'll try to keep it shorter..ish.
I've been in two relationships. My first started in high school, we lasted 6 years before I reached my breaking point, and to this day I still believe it was my fault. We argued a lot. Almost daily for the better part of 3 years. I think a good bit of that stemmed from immaturity on both parts, and an unwillingness to budge on mine. I was (and am) a young man with a lot to learn, but was seemingly unwilling or unable to learn.
Fast forward to now, I'm happier than I've been my entire life. I met an amazing woman, whom I now feel I'm capable of treating the way she deserves to be treated. I attribute that to something my father told me after my big break up. He told me how important it was that I keep moving forward. He told me how it felt when my mother told him she wanted a divorce when I was 2. He was heartbroken. He told me that in time, I would learn who I am, and that I would soon discover that life is full of hurt. There's no happy life that doesn't come with a little bit of pain every now and then, and that it's just temporary. But there was one thing that really resonated with me. He said that it was his hope that I didn't have to experience the misfortune of divorce before I got a grip, like he did. He's happy now, but it really struck a chord with me. I told myself that when I picked myself up, I would be better.
Wayne hit it spot on. "Yes dear" mentality is not making yourself a doormat. Sometimes you find that woman that makes you want to be less of a "man" about things.
Sorry for the autobiography. Got a rich life story that I find therapeutic to share sometimes. Cheers everyone

[Jim Becker]

I think me and The boss lady really only disagree over what to cook for dinner or where to go eat.

I don't have that situation, here...because I do the cooking. :) :D

[Mike Henderson]

There's an old joke about marriage:

When a man looks at the women he's about to marry, he says, "I can live with her"

When a woman looks at the man she's about to marry, she says, "I can work with that!"

If you want to have a happy marriage, you go along with the program.

Mike

[Terry Wawro]

I came to understand this late in life also. For years, whenever my wife had a problem I would give my "expert" advice on how to fix it. Now I just say "that's awful" or something similar. Just sympathizing with her makes her much happier than any advice.


For me I tried to explain more logical(in my male brain) ways to fix problems for the first years with my wife. I eventually learned it was MUCH faster, easier and more pleasant to smile and say yes dear when she asks me to so something.

[Andrew Joiner]

I came to understand this late in life also. For years, whenever my wife had a problem I would give my "expert" advice on how to fix it. Now I just say "that's awful" or something similar. Just sympathizing with her makes her much happier than any advice.
Yes! Me too. She finally told me "how would you like it if I told you how to fix things". To her it meant I didn't love her. That helped me improve. She only wanted me to listen and be supportive, to her that shows I love her as much as saying" I love you"

[Matthew Brawley]

I don't have that situation, here...because I do the cooking. :) :D

I do the cooking too, but I am not a picky eater.

[Rich Engelhardt]

My dad shared the secret of his 50 plus years of wedded bliss with us.

He said my mom made all the minor decisions and he made all the major decisions.

He quickly added that in over 50 years of marriage, not once did a major decision come along :D :D...

I took that to heart & my amazon temptress and I will celebrate 37 years of minor decisions in a little over a week from today ;).

[Malcolm McLeod]

There's an old joke about marriage:

When a man looks at the women he's about to marry, he says, "I can live with her"

When a woman looks at the man she's about to marry, she says, "I can work with that!"

If you want to have a happy marriage, you go along with the program.

Mike

I can't attribute my slightly less blissful version of your anecdote, but heard it as: "Men marry women hoping they won't change, but they do. Women marry men hoping they will change, but they don't."

From understanding, comes peace....maybe???;)

[Frederick Skelly]

I can honestly say that I have had a great ride these 38 years to the same woman. I made a commitment to her at God's alter at our church and I took that vow very seriously. I have read and also been told that when God is in a marriage, it is ordained by Him and two flesh become one. I truly believe that for she thinks like I do most of the time. We generally agree on everything and very seldom fight. What's really scary or amazing, depending on how you look at it, is many times she or myself will say something and the other is thinking of that same thing at the same time. Tell me tha isn't two becoming one.
I have been blessed beyond measure. She has never questioned my tool, fishing, or hunting purchases and sometimes she has even chipped in to help me buy tools with some of her mad money. She's definitly a keeper. Couldn't imagine life without her.

You are a blessed man Mr. Eure. You and many others here. Glad to read this thread and see so many success stories!

Fred

[Mike Cary]

So the secret to being in a happy marriage can all be boiled down to “yes dear” wow, I’ve been making it way to complicated.

But seriously, if you have the mindset that marriage is forever and divorce is never an option you can adapt. With that attitude you choose more wisely, you pick battles more carefully, you don’t compare your mate against others, less envy, less competition, less jealousy. Too bad in our self centered disposable society that attitude has become a punchline.

[Andrew Joiner]

So the secret to being in a happy marriage can all be boiled down to “yes dear” wow, I’ve been making it way to complicated.
But seriously, if you have the mindset that marriage is forever and divorce is never an option you can adapt. With that attitude you choose more wisely, you pick battles more carefully, you don’t compare your mate against others, less envy, less competition, less jealousy. Too bad in our self centered disposable society that attitude has become a punchline.

No, for me it wasn't just boiled down to “yes dear”.

It was an experiment the first time I said “yes dear” vs let's look at this task/decision more logically/creatively.
Most of the time saying “yes dear” is just easier, she's happy and I'm amazed at the results. Like the first time I asked an older wiser cabinetmaker for bandsaw tuning tips when I was an apprentice.

[Joe Bradshaw]

I can relate to the yes dear reply. I was married to a wonderful woman for 43 1/2 years before cancer took her away. I learned early in our marriage to say yes dear you're right and I was wrong and I will try not to do that anymore.
Joe

[Dan Hulbert]

Yes dear has worked for over 43 years now...I don't see any reason to change.
My wife told me many years ago that I was not necessarily "Mr. Right" I was "Mr. Trainable". I'm still a work in progress, but I'm still loving every minute of it.

[Rod Sheridan]

My dad shared the secret of his 50 plus years of wedded bliss with us.

He said my mom made all the minor decisions and he made all the major decisions.

He quickly added that in over 50 years of marriage, not once did a major decision come along :D :D...

I took that to heart & my amazon temptress and I will celebrate 37 years of minor decisions in a little over a week from today ;).

Rich, that is brilliant, thanks for that.............Rod.

[Andrew Joiner]

Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so happy.


I re-read this old thread. I made a BIG mistake in my post starting this thread.

The above quoted sentence should be -- Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so unhappy.

Thanks

[Bill Dufour]

I learned when i went to refill drinks or food or what ever. I keep my wife's one in my right hand and mine in the left. that way she is always right and there are no mixups.
Bill

[lowell holmes]

When SWMBO speaks, I say "Yes Dear". :)

[John K Jordan]

When SWMBO speaks, I say "Yes Dear". :)

Married 48 years now (to the same women). I've learned lots of lessons like this. The most important was when she voices a problem with something it doesn't necessarily mean she wants me to offer a solution. First is agreement and sympathy if appropriate, then some communication to figure out if it's something she would like some help with!

JKJ

[John K Jordan]

Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so happy.

I re-read this old thread. I made a BIG mistake in my post starting this thread.
The above quoted sentence should be -- Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so unhappy.

Andrew, would you like the original message edited to correct the typo?

[Andrew Joiner]

Yes, please John. Thanks

[Myk Rian]

I've been lucky. I've been with my wife for 24 years. I finally learned to do what my older friends told me. The sooner you say "yes Dear" life is easier.
I've been saying that for a long time. It's kept me alive for 50 yrs. of wonderful... wedded... bliss...:D

[Andrew Seemann]

I don't have that situation, here...because I do the cooking. :) :D

Me too. I started when we had kids and I couldn't be in the shop. Making food was kind of like building things so it kind of took the place of it. Plus then I got to eat what I wanted:)

[Dave Anderson NH]

You have it exactly right John Jordan. My wife calls it "venting" and usually all she wants is sympathy and someone to listen to the aggravations of her job. As a somewhat slow learner it took me a number of years to figure out that advise was neither wanted nor going to be heeded. She will ask if she wants advise, she is not shy (Major understatement).

[John K Jordan]

... She will ask if she wants advise, she is not shy (Major understatement).

The hardest thing about translating the double-X chromosome language was understanding the difference between venting and an implied call to action. For example, "The side of the road here is trashy." is far different than "The back floorboard of the car is trashy." The latter requires immediate action!

A marriage license should come with a printed instruction guide. Maybe there's a YouTube video these days. :)

JKJ

[Ole Anderson]

Happy wife happy life has become happy spouse, happy house. Both sides give up a little to gain a lot. Synergy. I can't imagine coming home to an empty house and bed. Been together since meeting her in church youth group in 1962. Perfect? No, but a whole lot better than being alone.

[Stan Calow]

I have to wonder what is the advice that is given to them? I'm thinking its "keep them guessing".

[John K Jordan]

My wife and I have been together for 19 years and the most important thing I learned in marriage is that:
1. she is always right, even when she is not
2. We should never argue, but help each other
3. The real man is the one who respects his wife and will always treat her like the queen, because she deserves it.

P.s. I'm new here. Hi, everyone!


Greetings, Edward and welcome to the SMC forum.

I agree with your philosophy. Getting close to 51 years now for my Lovely Bride and me.
Fortunately, neither of us insist on being right! That helps a lot. We are both open to other perspectives and not afraid to say "you're right. Thanks!"

JKJ

[Andrew Joiner]

Wow, amazing this thread was revived today. I made a mistake this morning and questioned why my wife wanted some small thing done. I was wrong, and made a big deal out of a small request. She thankfully let me know I was wrong.

It's not so much about saying "yes dear" out loud, but thinking it before I act or open my mouth. Sometimes I forget the spirit of "yes dear" and this is a good lesson for me today.
I know your all saying "practice what you preach Andrew":)

[Thomas McCurnin]

40 years. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s mostly small stuff.

[Bruce King]

I was playing the field like Andrew mainly because I was not going to marry a woman that I was not compatible with. So it was the 80’s and 90’s looking and it was not uncommon then for women to approach guys. She found me in a restaurant bar and it’s been a great 21 years. We were both about 40 and she was divorced with no kids. A friend gave us this framed piece that said: If you are right shut up. If you are wrong admit it. That really works. No fights in 21 years.

[Bill Dufour]

After about 25 years of marriage I learned how to carry drinks and plates to the table. Mine is in the left hand and hers is in the right hand. That way I make sure she gets the right one.
We bought a house in the last month and I was able to set up the closing date on her birthday.:D The brownie points for that should last the rest of my life.
Bil lD

[Ken Fitzgerald]

This past Christmas Eve, the LOML and I celebrated our 52nd anniversary. In August of '68 I passed the draft physical and a couple weeks later quickly enlisted in the US Navy for 6 years with a 52 day delayed entry. As nearly as we can figure it, 13 days before leaving for boot camp I was riding in the back seat of a 66 Chevy guarding the beer we were drinking. I told my two drinking buddies in the front seat that I'd like a date with blonde with a good personality. In the reflected light of the headlights I saw them look at each other and one said "We know the girl! When and where do you want to meet her?" I replied "Mr. Quicks, tomorrow night, 6:00 p.m., dinner and a movie." The next day, a Saturday, I washed and waxed my '64 SS Impala convertible and later that evening we had our first date. Sunday after church she came to my parents house with her 2 kids from her previous marriage and a picnic basket with lunch. Tuesday evening we had another date and I asked her to marry me. The odds of our marriage lasting was so slim. She was so shy and timid, I am still amazed she had the courage to go out with me but apparently she had seen me when I had a date with one of her girl friends. 12 days after meeting her I signed over my checking and savings accounts to her and left for boot camp. I came home for Christmas (not out of boot camp yet) and we got married on Christmas Eve.

52 years later she remains the nicest, most loving person I have ever met. I nearly lost her to a rare and deadly form of cancer 29 years ago but with the work of a team of 5 surgeons at the University of Washington M.C. in Seattle and the grace of God she survives today. 2 years after we married I reenlisted and used part of the reenlistment bonus to adopt those 2 kids. At about 4 years of marriage we had a 3rd child. So today we have 3 kids, 8 grandkids (ages 35-8) and 9 great-grandkids (ages 14-4).

The first 18 months we were married we fought like cats and dogs. But neither of us wanted to end the relationship so we worked through it. To us, a marriage, a relationship, is like a good job, you can never take it for granted and you have to work at it everyday.

[Brian Deakin]

My father in his Back country accent gave me this advise about a year before his death

"All you have to do is to look after her and look after those kids "

and I think that's about as complicated life gets

[Rod Sheridan]

There's an old joke about marriage:

When a man looks at the women he's about to marry, he says, "I can live with her"

When a woman looks at the man she's about to marry, she says, "I can work with that!"



If you want to have a happy marriage, you go along with the program.

Mike

That’s a good approach.It reminds me of the joke my friends dad told at his 50th wedding anniversary celebration. “When Mary agreed to marry me we came to an agreement that she would take care of all the small decisions, and I would take care of all the major decisions.
Well, I’m pleased to report that in 50 years of marriage we’ve never faced a major decision”.

It was a humorous look at his philosophy that a life together is a life of compromise, support, and the ability to accommodate and pick battles wisely...Rod

[Prashun Patel]

Three quotes get me by:

"It's better to be happy than right" - Nancy Reagan
"Happy Wife, Happy Life" - Heidi Klum
"Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon" - Ice Cube

I'm slowly learning to listen more, and say less. Especially with my teenagers, but also with my wife. Presence, patience, being grateful.

It's hard not to get trite with it all; but it's so true.

[lowell holmes]

55 years and I wake up every morning thankful she is there and I do say yes dear.

[michael langman]

Married 48 years now (to the same women). I've learned lots of lessons like this. The most important was when she voices a problem with something it doesn't necessarily mean she wants me to offer a solution. First is agreement and sympathy if appropriate, then some communication to figure out if it's something she would like some help with!

JKJ


This quote speaks volumes to my wife and my life. The more I try to help, the worse it gets.

My wife and I have a very good and lasting relationship, but it is darn hard for me, and her, because we think so differently about just about everything. Men and womans minds are so different, in how they work, that I just have to throw my hands up and say ,Yes Dear.