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Andrew Joiner
04-05-2018, 5:41 PM
I've been lucky. I've been with my wife for 24 years. I finally learned to do what my older friends told me. The sooner you say "yes Dear" life is easier.
As a young man I had many short term relationships. It was in the "free love" days of the 60's and 70's. I left many great girls for selfish reasons. It was fun until it stopped working. After lot's of suffering I took a personal inventory and saw how selfish I'd been. I stayed single for a while to learn how to be alone, and started over when I met my wife.
Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so unhappy.
I've got a couple friends, Tom and John. They're both my age but very negative and bitter. Both talented guys who worked hard and are retired. They're both single. They both need help to take care of everyday needs, but they're alone and miserable. Tom has kids and grandkids, but they aren't in his life. Sadly I can now see why. That would've been me. I spent lots of time sharing my experience with Tom and some with John, but old dogs and new tricks come to mind.

In helping Tom and John I just had a revelation. I'm not alone and miserable like I easily could've been. I feel blessed that I gave up my self seeking defects young to get a life.

My wife blessed me with stepdaughters, grandkids, and great grandkids. They all love me and most of them would help me if I need it. It's good to be surrounded by loved ones! Even if they keep you awake some nights:)
Anyone else benefiting from the "yes dear" philosophy?

Matt Day
04-05-2018, 5:56 PM
I’m not exactly sure what the “yes dear” philosophy is? Are you referring to simply marriage?

Wayne Lomman
04-05-2018, 5:57 PM
I agree Andrew. What is too often misunderstood is that saying 'Yes, Dear' is not turning yourself into a doormat. Rather it is a grown up response to life where personal pride does not drive everything. I have been married 39 years now to the same woman who is also my best friend. I would not change anything about our life together regardless of whether the times have been good or bad. Cheers

Ken Fitzgerald
04-05-2018, 6:42 PM
Married life is about compromises. "Yes Dear" by both parties is agreeing to compromise or fulfill the spouses needs or demands at that moment. It works for me. This Christmas Eve, my wife and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, God willing.

Cary Falk
04-05-2018, 6:42 PM
"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" comes to mind.

Malcolm McLeod
04-05-2018, 6:53 PM
"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" comes to mind.
Similarly, I was advised to "...pick your battles. In an argument, determine what you have to gain, and what you have to lose." In 24 happy years, I've rarely found justification enough to 'win'.:D

Andrew Joiner
04-05-2018, 7:15 PM
I’m not exactly sure what the “yes dear” philosophy is? Are you referring to simply marriage?
For me I tried to explain more logical(in my male brain) ways to fix problems for the first years with my wife. I eventually learned it was MUCH faster, easier and more pleasant to smile and say yes dear when she asks me to so something.

Matthew Brawley
04-05-2018, 7:51 PM
Advice my parents gave me was choose your battles wisely, then my dad told me later that you can win no battle.

Jim Becker
04-05-2018, 8:01 PM
Married life is about compromises. "Yes Dear" by both parties is agreeing to compromise or fulfill the spouses needs or demands at that moment. It works for me.

This is totally spot-on. It's also exactly why the relationship between myself and Professor Dr. SWMBO has endured zero fights and very limited disagreements.

Matthew Brawley
04-05-2018, 8:20 PM
This is totally spot-on. It's also exactly why the relationship between myself and Professor Dr. SWMBO has endured zero fights and very limited disagreements.

I think me and The boss lady really only disagree over what to cook for dinner or where to go eat.

Bruce Wrenn
04-05-2018, 8:50 PM
The easiest way to get in the last word in an argument is to say "yes dear." Later this month, we will be married 40 years. This is a second marriage for both of us

Steve Eure
04-05-2018, 9:04 PM
I can honestly say that I have had a great ride these 38 years to the same woman. I made a commitment to her at God's alter at our church and I took that vow very seriously. I have read and also been told that when God is in a marriage, it is ordained by Him and two flesh become one. I truly believe that for she thinks like I do most of the time. We generally agree on everything and very seldom fight. What's really scary or amazing, depending on how you look at it, is many times she or myself will say something and the other is thinking of that same thing at the same time. Tell me tha isn't two becoming one.
I have been blessed beyond measure. She has never questioned my tool, fishing, or hunting purchases and sometimes she has even chipped in to help me buy tools with some of her mad money. She's definitly a keeper. Couldn't imagine life without her.

Bill McNiel
04-05-2018, 9:04 PM
I believe in (and practice) "treat every moment with the one you love like a first date, or you will be in for a lot of first dates".

julian abram
04-05-2018, 10:52 PM
I agree 100% with Andrew, "yes dear" is a valuable tool in your relationship tool box. After 10 years & 35 years of marriage, I look back and there were very issues worth saying "no dear" which can be the prelude to battle. Also I often give young married men this advice, never mention the good virtues of your mother. Your wife will always feel inferior, become defensive and her memory of your comments will linger for years.:)

Curt Harms
04-06-2018, 5:05 AM
I recall a bit of very good relationship advice from I think an Ann Landers column. "Opposites attract but likes last".

Mike Null
04-06-2018, 7:01 AM
A fellow I used to work with and for whom I had a lot of respect once told me his number one job in life was taking care of his wife. Now his wife didn't need any special care but I always thought he had a good plan and I've tried to follow it.

Bill Carey
04-06-2018, 8:30 AM
A fellow I used to work with and for whom I had a lot of respect once told me his number one job in life was taking care of his wife...

The LOML and I met on a Tuesday night at a friends house, and we moved her stuff into my apartment on Wed. That was 40 years ago and everyday since has been the best day of our lifes. (No small coincidence I've been sober 39 years, I guess). We have 2 grown daughters who have married men that I KNOW will take care of them. I need not worry about either of them. Respect, honesty and laughter have been they keys for us. And, of course, actually liking each other and being best friends.

Chase Mueller
04-06-2018, 8:39 AM
Here's a twist, works with the young'ns too! I'm sure no one wants to hear my life story, so I'll try to keep it shorter..ish.
I've been in two relationships. My first started in high school, we lasted 6 years before I reached my breaking point, and to this day I still believe it was my fault. We argued a lot. Almost daily for the better part of 3 years. I think a good bit of that stemmed from immaturity on both parts, and an unwillingness to budge on mine. I was (and am) a young man with a lot to learn, but was seemingly unwilling or unable to learn.
Fast forward to now, I'm happier than I've been my entire life. I met an amazing woman, whom I now feel I'm capable of treating the way she deserves to be treated. I attribute that to something my father told me after my big break up. He told me how important it was that I keep moving forward. He told me how it felt when my mother told him she wanted a divorce when I was 2. He was heartbroken. He told me that in time, I would learn who I am, and that I would soon discover that life is full of hurt. There's no happy life that doesn't come with a little bit of pain every now and then, and that it's just temporary. But there was one thing that really resonated with me. He said that it was his hope that I didn't have to experience the misfortune of divorce before I got a grip, like he did. He's happy now, but it really struck a chord with me. I told myself that when I picked myself up, I would be better.
Wayne hit it spot on. "Yes dear" mentality is not making yourself a doormat. Sometimes you find that woman that makes you want to be less of a "man" about things.
Sorry for the autobiography. Got a rich life story that I find therapeutic to share sometimes. Cheers everyone

Jim Becker
04-06-2018, 9:07 AM
I think me and The boss lady really only disagree over what to cook for dinner or where to go eat.

I don't have that situation, here...because I do the cooking. :) :D

Mike Henderson
04-06-2018, 1:41 PM
There's an old joke about marriage:

When a man looks at the women he's about to marry, he says, "I can live with her"

When a woman looks at the man she's about to marry, she says, "I can work with that!"

If you want to have a happy marriage, you go along with the program.

Mike

Terry Wawro
04-06-2018, 3:49 PM
I came to understand this late in life also. For years, whenever my wife had a problem I would give my "expert" advice on how to fix it. Now I just say "that's awful" or something similar. Just sympathizing with her makes her much happier than any advice.


For me I tried to explain more logical(in my male brain) ways to fix problems for the first years with my wife. I eventually learned it was MUCH faster, easier and more pleasant to smile and say yes dear when she asks me to so something.

Andrew Joiner
04-06-2018, 4:09 PM
I came to understand this late in life also. For years, whenever my wife had a problem I would give my "expert" advice on how to fix it. Now I just say "that's awful" or something similar. Just sympathizing with her makes her much happier than any advice.
Yes! Me too. She finally told me "how would you like it if I told you how to fix things". To her it meant I didn't love her. That helped me improve. She only wanted me to listen and be supportive, to her that shows I love her as much as saying" I love you"

Matthew Brawley
04-06-2018, 6:32 PM
I don't have that situation, here...because I do the cooking. :) :D

I do the cooking too, but I am not a picky eater.

Rich Engelhardt
04-07-2018, 4:45 AM
My dad shared the secret of his 50 plus years of wedded bliss with us.

He said my mom made all the minor decisions and he made all the major decisions.

He quickly added that in over 50 years of marriage, not once did a major decision come along :D :D...

I took that to heart & my amazon temptress and I will celebrate 37 years of minor decisions in a little over a week from today ;).

Malcolm McLeod
04-07-2018, 8:32 AM
There's an old joke about marriage:

When a man looks at the women he's about to marry, he says, "I can live with her"

When a woman looks at the man she's about to marry, she says, "I can work with that!"

If you want to have a happy marriage, you go along with the program.

Mike

I can't attribute my slightly less blissful version of your anecdote, but heard it as: "Men marry women hoping they won't change, but they do. Women marry men hoping they will change, but they don't."

From understanding, comes peace....maybe???;)

Frederick Skelly
04-07-2018, 11:16 AM
I can honestly say that I have had a great ride these 38 years to the same woman. I made a commitment to her at God's alter at our church and I took that vow very seriously. I have read and also been told that when God is in a marriage, it is ordained by Him and two flesh become one. I truly believe that for she thinks like I do most of the time. We generally agree on everything and very seldom fight. What's really scary or amazing, depending on how you look at it, is many times she or myself will say something and the other is thinking of that same thing at the same time. Tell me tha isn't two becoming one.
I have been blessed beyond measure. She has never questioned my tool, fishing, or hunting purchases and sometimes she has even chipped in to help me buy tools with some of her mad money. She's definitly a keeper. Couldn't imagine life without her.

You are a blessed man Mr. Eure. You and many others here. Glad to read this thread and see so many success stories!

Fred

Mike Cary
04-08-2018, 9:36 AM
So the secret to being in a happy marriage can all be boiled down to “yes dear” wow, I’ve been making it way to complicated.

But seriously, if you have the mindset that marriage is forever and divorce is never an option you can adapt. With that attitude you choose more wisely, you pick battles more carefully, you don’t compare your mate against others, less envy, less competition, less jealousy. Too bad in our self centered disposable society that attitude has become a punchline.

Andrew Joiner
04-08-2018, 4:40 PM
So the secret to being in a happy marriage can all be boiled down to “yes dear” wow, I’ve been making it way to complicated.
But seriously, if you have the mindset that marriage is forever and divorce is never an option you can adapt. With that attitude you choose more wisely, you pick battles more carefully, you don’t compare your mate against others, less envy, less competition, less jealousy. Too bad in our self centered disposable society that attitude has become a punchline.

No, for me it wasn't just boiled down to “yes dear”.

It was an experiment the first time I said “yes dear” vs let's look at this task/decision more logically/creatively.
Most of the time saying “yes dear” is just easier, she's happy and I'm amazed at the results. Like the first time I asked an older wiser cabinetmaker for bandsaw tuning tips when I was an apprentice.

Joe Bradshaw
04-08-2018, 8:43 PM
I can relate to the yes dear reply. I was married to a wonderful woman for 43 1/2 years before cancer took her away. I learned early in our marriage to say yes dear you're right and I was wrong and I will try not to do that anymore.
Joe

Dan Hulbert
04-12-2018, 1:53 PM
Yes dear has worked for over 43 years now...I don't see any reason to change.
My wife told me many years ago that I was not necessarily "Mr. Right" I was "Mr. Trainable". I'm still a work in progress, but I'm still loving every minute of it.

Rod Sheridan
04-16-2018, 8:03 AM
My dad shared the secret of his 50 plus years of wedded bliss with us.

He said my mom made all the minor decisions and he made all the major decisions.

He quickly added that in over 50 years of marriage, not once did a major decision come along :D :D...

I took that to heart & my amazon temptress and I will celebrate 37 years of minor decisions in a little over a week from today ;).

Rich, that is brilliant, thanks for that.............Rod.

Andrew Joiner
11-09-2018, 12:18 PM
Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so happy.


I re-read this old thread. I made a BIG mistake in my post starting this thread.

The above quoted sentence should be -- Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so unhappy.

Thanks

Bill Dufour
11-10-2018, 12:09 PM
I learned when i went to refill drinks or food or what ever. I keep my wife's one in my right hand and mine in the left. that way she is always right and there are no mixups.
Bill

lowell holmes
11-12-2018, 12:50 PM
When SWMBO speaks, I say "Yes Dear". :)

John K Jordan
11-12-2018, 2:01 PM
When SWMBO speaks, I say "Yes Dear". :)

Married 48 years now (to the same women). I've learned lots of lessons like this. The most important was when she voices a problem with something it doesn't necessarily mean she wants me to offer a solution. First is agreement and sympathy if appropriate, then some communication to figure out if it's something she would like some help with!

JKJ

John K Jordan
11-12-2018, 2:05 PM
Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so happy.

I re-read this old thread. I made a BIG mistake in my post starting this thread.
The above quoted sentence should be -- Now I know why some of my more stubborn friends are so unhappy.

Andrew, would you like the original message edited to correct the typo?

Andrew Joiner
11-12-2018, 2:07 PM
Yes, please John. Thanks

Myk Rian
11-12-2018, 2:11 PM
I've been lucky. I've been with my wife for 24 years. I finally learned to do what my older friends told me. The sooner you say "yes Dear" life is easier.
I've been saying that for a long time. It's kept me alive for 50 yrs. of wonderful... wedded... bliss...:D

Andrew Seemann
11-12-2018, 3:23 PM
I don't have that situation, here...because I do the cooking. :) :D

Me too. I started when we had kids and I couldn't be in the shop. Making food was kind of like building things so it kind of took the place of it. Plus then I got to eat what I wanted:)

Dave Anderson NH
11-13-2018, 1:05 PM
You have it exactly right John Jordan. My wife calls it "venting" and usually all she wants is sympathy and someone to listen to the aggravations of her job. As a somewhat slow learner it took me a number of years to figure out that advise was neither wanted nor going to be heeded. She will ask if she wants advise, she is not shy (Major understatement).

John K Jordan
11-13-2018, 4:21 PM
... She will ask if she wants advise, she is not shy (Major understatement).

The hardest thing about translating the double-X chromosome language was understanding the difference between venting and an implied call to action. For example, "The side of the road here is trashy." is far different than "The back floorboard of the car is trashy." The latter requires immediate action!

A marriage license should come with a printed instruction guide. Maybe there's a YouTube video these days. :)

JKJ

Ole Anderson
11-13-2018, 6:30 PM
Happy wife happy life has become happy spouse, happy house. Both sides give up a little to gain a lot. Synergy. I can't imagine coming home to an empty house and bed. Been together since meeting her in church youth group in 1962. Perfect? No, but a whole lot better than being alone.

Stan Calow
11-15-2018, 10:06 AM
I have to wonder what is the advice that is given to them? I'm thinking its "keep them guessing".