MM16 Gloat - Is this what ya mean by Tool Porn ??

[Doug Shepard]

It was a cold dreary Wednesday Fall afternoon. Happy Hour at the local watering hole - the Sado-Masochist Club - was a bust. I'd dropped in but couldn't get anyone to wait on me. The help was off twiddling their bits and one of the patrons mumbled something about all the servers being in the back room thrashing each other and going down. So I left and went home.

That's when SHE walked into my life wearing this skimpy little see-through number. Right away I liked the way she looked. It was all I could do to hide my drooling.
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She said her name was Max. She'd called to let me know she was coming, but - just like a woman - she was late. After some small talk and flirting she got right down to business and wanted to know if I'd help her slip out of her outfit. I didn't need to be asked twice. I got a little carried away and in my excitement I ripped her outfit. This is all that was left after I tore it to shreds.
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I was quivering with anticipation when she stood there in all her naked glory.
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She was a real exhibitionist. Here's one with her private parts exposed. I was out of my mind.
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She said she was into massages and wondered if I'd oblige her. Sure I said. How bout I grab some WD40 and degreaser and get to work? "Ooooh kinky" she purred in her thick Italian accent. She looked real sharp after a good rubdown.
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[Doug Shepard]

Noticing my obvious excitement, she said I was a very bad boy and needed a good spanking.
OK baby - whatever makes you happy ....
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HEY - BOTH HANDS ON THE KEYBOARD NOW!! - Especially you married guys. Don't let the LOML catch you stroking your phone with that 1-800-MINI-MAX number.

Gee, where was I ??...

OH - In all the excitement I'd almost forgotton about her petite little Canadian friend that showed up about the same time. She went by the name of Lee Valley. Yeah sure! - sounds like one of those made-up semi-geographical names that porn starlets like to use - like Christy Canyon, Candy Cove, Para Buttes, etc. Well I wasn't going to kick her out for eating wood shavings. Anticipating a possible 3-way project, I kept my opinion to myself.
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Then Max invited me to come sit on her lap. Normally I like the girl on my lap, but she was a big-boned gal and I was afraid she would hurt me, so ...
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After cuddling for a while, Max nodded toward some 10/3 cable and a plug that I just happened to have lying nearby, and said if I really wanted to turn her on I should tie her up to that. This babe was into some powerful stuff but not wanting to ruin the mood, I complied. Well she was just too tight so I had to stretch her fitting slightly to get it in - the cable you sick perverts ! - but finally succeeded.
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[Doug Shepard]

After I had tied her up she started giving me that look. You know the one. The look that says "Have your way with me but be gentle, it's my first time". I figured - Why Not? - I was wearing protection. It was time to consumate the relationship and see what kind of tricks she could do. So first I inserted my massive Johnson bar and started moving her around. So far so good, but I'm a private kind of guy and needing both hands to see to her needs, the pictures had to stop.

Here's one afterwards. She was insatiable and wanted more, but like any mere male, I was exhausted.
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That didn't stop her though. She proceeded to kiss and lick my face incessantly. Couldn't say much for her breath, but this girl was one good kisser.




Wait a minute....


Blechh - Pfui - Blaff - Garf - Yuck

Never mind -
it was just the dog waking me up to take her outside.

[Richard Wolf]

Great Gloat, good luck with it. You'll love her, I mean it.

Richard

[Andy Hoyt]

You Sir, have made my day.

As I sit here now knowing why my tenon won't fit that mortise, I am consumed with the notion of Max's cousin Feldie coming over for .....

[Corey Hallagan]

Nice machine Doug, congrats and enjoy it! Now I need to go take a cold shower.

Corey

[Vaughn McMillan]

Doug, you're a bit sick, and I admire that in a person. Great gloat, great story, and gotta love the pics. Have fun with the new mistress.

- Vaughn

[John Miliunas]

Whew!!!! Can't let the LOML read this one or she'll be wise to my being out in the shop all the time!!!:eek: Doug, you have fun with that new "lady" of yours, though she does seem just a bit perverted!:rolleyes: :) :cool:

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Doug....Great gloat! If there is any spelling errors please excuse! I can't see the keyboard for the tears in my eyes!:D

[Jim Becker]

LOL!! Better than "Guy Nouwar"! Now that was creativity at it's gloating best..... :D (Congrats on the new saw...)

[Cecil Arnold]

You just think you're happy now, wait until she starts working her way through a really big unit. Congrats on the MM.

[Norman Hitt]

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! Congrats on the new ladyfriend, (she's a little sister to mine).

[Timo Christ]

This is the best gloat i have seen so far!!!
:D :D :D

[Kevin Martini]

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! Congrats on the new ladyfriend, (she's a little sister to mine).

Is it just me...or is that a little bit of stealth gloat? :)

[Norman Hitt]

Is it just me...or is that a little bit of stealth gloat? :)

Nope, no Stealth Gloat, so I Guess it must just be YOU,Kevin,:D 'Cause I've had my MM 20 and FS 350 for 3 years last month, and one of these days, (before too long, hopefully), I'm gonna get to turn them on.......(but we won't get into that sore subject today).

[Dan Forman]

Doug---You get a gold star for that one! Enjoy the new LOYL and router plane.

Dan

[Chris Giles]

Para Buttes?!? I had to let that one settle for a minute before I could continue. I hope that resaw blade wasn't on there when you were mounting up!

Great stuff! Thanks for the hearty chortle!

[John Bailey]

I wonder how a bandsaw would play on the "Prarie."

John

[scott spencer]

:eek: :o :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
LOL...Too funny! You're a sick man, but funny! Congrats on a great machine and good luck with your new relationship!

[Paul Canaris]

Darn, never and hand lotion around when you need it.

[Keith Starosta]

CLASSIC!!! :D :D

Doug, very well presented!

Keith

[Doug Shepard]

Thanks guys - glad this was well received. I had some slight concern that some would find it offensive, but I tried to word it carefully so that I never said anything explicitly sexual and you could interpret things both ways. That way I rely on the reader's dirty mind as to whether it takes on a risque meaning or not. I think I managed to pull it off without violating the TOS, but I was probably pushing the envelope a bit.

I have to thank a few people for giving me the spark for the idea:
Scott Cofelt for starting his Tool Porn thread
http://www.sawmillcreek.org/showthread.php?t=25443&highlight=tool+porn

Jim Becker for a comment he made on my MM16 pre-gloat thread and my reply which then got me thinking whether maybe there WAS a way to not violate the TOS and still throw some double-entendre into the mix.

Tool porn is even better when you have it in hand...congrats on your soon-to-be-received MM16!

LOL!
I better leave that one alone. Any attempt at a snappy comeback on my part would certainly violate the TOS.

The first bit about SMC came about as I actually took delivery on the day of the server move. I'd been thinking about my Tool Porn story for a couple of days and wondered if there was a way to work that in.

Anyway, I was just looking for a way to have some fun with a tool gloat so it didn't resemble the standard ones that go: Here's some pictures of my new tool - Aint it purdy? - Here's some more pics - Etc., Etc,
I hope I didn't offend anyone in the process.

[Dan Mages]

Oh man... I can't stop laughing after that one... Very well done!!


That bandsaw is not just big... it's JOHN HOLMES BIG!! (sorry, couldn't resist)

Dan

[Loy Hawes]

Doug, Funny gloat! It is great when things are delivered with imagination.

Not to hijack this thread,but I could not find anything in the TOS about sexuality. I recently started a thread in the off topic forum that was deleted without explanation. It was a joke with very slight sexual tones. I am assuming because of those tones that it was deleted. Maybe a moderator can jump in here and explain.

Once again, funny thread Doug! Humor makes good medicine. Especially for the sick minded! :D

[Doug Shepard]

Doug, Funny gloat! It is great when things are delivered with imagination.

Not to hijack this thread,but I could not find anything in the TOS about sexuality. I recently started a thread in the off topic forum that was deleted without explanation. It was a joke with very slight sexual tones. I am assuming because of those tones that it was deleted. Maybe a moderator can jump in here and explain.

Once again, funny thread Doug! Humor makes good medicine. Especially for the sick minded! :D

Well I can't quote you the TOS, and I don't know the relevant sections that pertain to your and my posts. I generally work under the assumption that those things can be boiled down to: "Dont post anything you couldn't show your mother or sister". I know from past replies from moderators, that there's a list of specific words that raise red flags. Maybe that's what set off alarms with your post?

[Dan Mages]

Just make sure you are fully clothed while using your power tools.... ;)

[Scott Coffelt]

Oh, no way your gonna hang that one on me.....

Though I was totally blowing cola out of my nose reading it.

Heck, I don't even know the names of the women on porn... though i could tell you some funny stories about one of my past jobs. I managed a product for delivering video content to hotel rooms. Anyways, monthly I had to review the title selections and purchase data. It got a little crazy reading off the list of titles on conference calls... anyways, I'll leave that subject now.

As far as the new mistress, she's a beauty, but don't let your friends take her out for a spin... or let your wife catch you mounting her... that would be a hard one to explain at the lawyer's office.

[Michael Gabbay]

Doug - Remember to keep your boots on and both feet on the floor! Also wear a raincoat on the cold dreary days..... ;)