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Chuck Wintle
10-14-2015, 4:05 PM
My son is getting married in the next little while and I am supposed to make a speech. i need help on what I should say, how long it should be and how to get rid of the nervous butterflies which in me is a debilitating condition. In other words I am nervous to the point of throwing up.

glenn bradley
10-14-2015, 4:51 PM
Ah, the fear of public speaking . . . Some do well with very rehearsed material. Others do well with a list of "bullets" they want to touch on and free-forming what they say about each point.

I used to get horrible butterflies. I still do but, I've taught them to fly in formation. I will say that 90 seconds of direct, un-stuttering, "straight from the heart" words will out-do a 5 minute, over-rehearsed, artificial sounding speech any day.

Its a wedding, not a doctoral thesis. Jot down 3 things you want to convey. Try out a few ways of saying them. If this gets comfortable, ad another. If you feel pretty good about it, often less is more ;-)

Mel Fulks
10-14-2015, 5:05 PM
I would make it clear Im not giving a speech,and that would probably cut down the list of "regret we won't be there"notes. You must make a toast ,but it doesn't have to be original. Practice ,practice, practice and you will do well.

Dave Zellers
10-14-2015, 5:06 PM
Been there.

Twice.

Talk about the good parts of his life. The funny parts, the poignant parts. Weave in his bride near the end with open loving arms (words). Welcome her into the family with genuine sincerity.

But mostly I am only replying re the preparation not the content.

--Write it down, go over it, tweak it.
--Then read it out loud. YOU NEED TO HEAR YOURSELF SAYING THOSE WORDS. Find a place where you are alone and deliver the speech out loud over and over and over. Think about cadence. Don't rush, pause at the end of a sentence. Relax. Slowly stop reading it and deliver it from memory. When you can do the whole toast from memory, you have entered a new phase where you say it every time you are alone- driving to and from work is a perfect situation. You need to get comfortable hearing yourself delivering the speech (toast). It is a toast so wrap up with a toast line like "Please join me in a toast to Mary and Chuck. Here's hoping they, yada, yada, yada."

--Print out the final copy of the toast and have it in your pocket on the big day folded in such a way to be easily accessible. No shame at all in having to check your notes. My first time, I knew it forwards and backwards but then inserted a joke at the beginning that I knew everyone there would get and I was so taken aback by the laughter my mind went completely blank. I was frozen. I'd still be standing there in front of 200 people if my brother (the groom) didn't whisper behind me 'did you bring any notes?' I took one look at the first line, began the toast and calmly slipped the notes back in my pocket unneeded the rest of the way. I had probably already delivered this toast 100 times. Might seen excessive but when I was asked to be his best man, I knew there were going to be hundreds of people, I knew I'd be using a microphone for the first time, and I was terrified. When I handed the microphone back to the lead singer of the band, he asked me if I was a professional speaker. I'm anything but. It was probably 5 minutes but included a few laugh lines and it flowed nicely. I do agree with Glenn that there is no need to get too wordy if you are not comfortable with that.

Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!

Charles Wiggins
10-14-2015, 5:29 PM
Chuck,

Glenn's advice is good.

Keep it brief. Talk about how pleased you are with your new daughter-in-law, how good they will be for each other, or whatever positive sentiments you have about the couple and end it with some sort of wish or blessing for their marriage.

There is nothing wrong with having your thoughts in writing to help stay organized, especially since you do get nervous. When it is time to speak, start by taking a deep breath, then speak deliberately. Don't rush. A lot of folks want to rush to get it over with, but if you rush you are more likely to misspeak or skip something important you wanted to say. I think this is an area where practice can help - not so much rehearsing what you will say but rehearsing the idea of being in front of a group speaking, even if it's just in your head. Mental prep can make a huge difference.

https://www.theknot.com/content/traditional-cultural-wedding-toasts

Dan Hintz
10-14-2015, 5:34 PM
No one said a wedding speech had to be long... as long as it's from the heart.

Something simple (embellish as you see fit):

The birth of my son changed my life, for the better, in ways I can't begin to describe. His lovely bride <insert name here> has only improved on what a wonderful person he is, and I believe their future together will continue to shine that light on those around them. Cheers to them both! <imbibe stiff drink and sit>

10 seconds to perform, easy to memorize, easy to practice, and you come out looking like a well-spoken man of few words.

Randy Red Bemont
10-14-2015, 6:13 PM
Speak from the heart and keep it simple (and short). People have short attention spans. Good luck.

Red

Patrick McCarthy
10-14-2015, 6:30 PM
Chuck, I have had to do it from the other side (father of the bride) twice, and two more to go before I get to be in your shoes.

The above advice is good and should be helpful . . . so long as it doesn't come across as rote memorization without feeling. But what I want to offer is from the perspective of the audience. I think a lot of the butterflies is, understandably, nervousness because we don't want to make a fool out of ourselves, we want people to like us, etc, etc.
While this is understandable, it completely ignores the thoughts/feelings of the audience; they WANT to like you, they are glad it is YOU up there and not them, so they are actually "on your side" . . . . prepare the words and thoughts you (and your wife) want to convey, and then just be YOU. Any father happy for his son and welcoming a new daughter into the family is going to be loved by those special people attending the wedding. Also, it is okay to cry.

Another thought, although I don't know if tradition is different "up yonder", but if it helps you may want to stand next to your wife (I am assuming his mother) and even if she remains seated, deliver it as "We" . . . . . as he was growing up we often wondered what type of young lady would capture his heart . . . . as any parent, we have always had hopes and dreams for each of our children, primarily for health and happiness, and we have never known him to be happier than he has been since he and ??? decided get married and pursue their dreams together . . . you get the idea.
You are spokesperson for the family, telling the world our family will cherish this young lady as she deserves to be loved.

Congrats, and good luck.

Another tip: stay the heck away from youtube. All sorts of people will tell you "Oh, you have to see . . . it was the best speech by the father of the bride, or whatever". I went looking for ideas and was horrified with some of the stuff out there. Seems everyone want to be a comedian. This is their (actually, HER) special day, not an entertainment opportunity. Not suggesting I think you would, just nipping in the bud any misguided advice you might get.

Chuck, believe in yourself. You will do fine!
Best regards, Patrick

Allan Speers
10-14-2015, 8:28 PM
As a professional singer and MC, let me give you some good advice:

First, practice in front of a mirror. And try to smile as much as possible.

At the wedding:

What you want to do is go out of your way to talk to as many of the guests as possible, well BEFORE you get up to talk. Be cordial, smile a lot, and just get into the vibe that everyone is your friend. This should lessen the "me versus them" feeling that a lot of bad speakers get once you're on the mic. By the time you get to the mic, you've already been talking with all of them.

Then, when you get on the microphone, force yourself to smile before you even start, and take a few seconds to look into the actual eyes of the people, while smiling. Breath deeply, take your time. This will make THEM smile, and it will then relax you. If you are reading from a sheet, you can even write "SMILE !" and "BREATH DEEPLY" right on that paper, in several places.

You could even single out a good friend of yours in the audience, and before starting the speech, say something like, "Hey Joe. Let me know how I do with this!" Everybody will laugh, breaking the tension, and you will look humble. It's all uphill from there.

And finally, once you do start speaking, remember that they are all your "friends." They are on your side & they WANT you to succeed. If you stumble or make a mistake, they will not care. They are all your friends.


You will be fine.

Harold Burrell
10-14-2015, 10:35 PM
"I am so proud I don't know what to say. I...I..." (Then start crying...put your hand to your mouth...mumble a few "I'm sorrys"...and then sit down.)

You will get a few "ahhhs", everyone will be in tears, and they will give you a standing "O".

;)

Jim Koepke
10-15-2015, 1:28 AM
+1 on what Harold said.

But if you can't and you do stumble, make like you are wiping a tear from your eye.

For me, speaking to a group is easy after the first word.

jtk

roger wiegand
10-15-2015, 8:12 AM
+1 on speaking to a mirror-- you will have faced down your harshest critic after you've done that a few times. Smile and look like you're having a good time, whether you are or not. Practice, practice, practice, then, after you get the first line out, put your speech in your pocket and say what you feel. You'll be great!

Mark Blatter
10-15-2015, 8:22 AM
--Write it down, go over it, tweak it.
--Then read it out loud. YOU NEED TO HEAR YOURSELF SAYING THOSE WORDS. Find a place where you are alone and deliver the speech out loud over and over and over. Think about cadence. Don't rush, pause at the end of a sentence. Relax. Slowly stop reading it and deliver it from memory. When you can do the whole toast from memory, you have entered a new phase where you say it every time you are alone- driving to and from work is a perfect situation. You need to get comfortable hearing yourself delivering the speech (toast).



+1 on this.

I find that saying it out loud repeatedly is very helpful. You hear yourself saying the words and you pick up on small mistakes, awkward parts, wording etc. Cannot say why, but actually reading it out loud works whereas reading it silently does not. Once you have read it out loud about 50 times, it will really stick in your mind. Then you practice on the cadence as Dave says.

Good Luck. Been there twice and have 2-3 still to go.