You know you're a woodturner if....

[Russell Neyman]

I was filling the chainsaw today and noticed that my gas can spout had a bottle stopper preventing gas from spilling. Now, WHO BUT A WOODTURNER WOULD HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!!

It occurred to me that this would be a great opportunity for some sarcastic humor. So, what odd and unique things do YOU have in your life because you're a turner?

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, complete the thought. For example:

"You know you're a woodturner when you clean your shop with a rake!"

[robert baccus]

Only a woose would start with a mere rake.

[Mike Cruz]

You know you're a wood turner when you leave a family reunion with wood from the host's wood pile.

Sad, but true...:o...just happened to me two weeks ago. He thought it was locust. Nope...sassafras...15" in diameter that turns out had some curl! Oh, and the maple crotch couldn't be left either... I have a serious problem, folks. :p But my shop smells nice. :D

[Sid Matheny]

You know you are a woodturner when you can't see the forest for the trees.....literally.


Sid

[Reed Gray]

You know you are a woodturner if you have a hole in your elbow from forgetting to move the tailstock. Not original, but don't know who said it.....

robo hippy

[Phil Harris]

You know you're a woodturner when you are driving down the street admiring the lumps and bumps and interesting crotches and you all of a sudden realize OMG I'm lusting after trees!

I actually noticed this recently while driving along and essentially ignoring the young ladies and admiring the trees, boy oh boy, I know I'm approaching middle age (I'm 71) but this is ridiculous.

Phil Harris

[Michael Stafford]

Woodturning is easy. First you mount a piece of wood between the pointy things on the lathe called centers. Then you take a chisel with a deep U-shape and beat the wood until it is round. It helps to turn on the lathe so you get it beat round on all sides. At least that is what I do.
Then you choose another chisel and beat the wood with it. You keep beating the wood with different chisels until you get a shape that you like. Most turnings look something like a bumpy stick. Once you are happy with the shape get some sand paper and rub the wood with it to get the chisel marks out. After a while and with enough sand paper the wood will be smooth.
Once the wood is smooth you need to finish your turning. Finishing consists of slopping some varnish or oil or lacquer on your bumpy stick. This helps make it feel smooth and brings out the grain so people can ooh and ahh over it.
After the finish dries take your bumpy stick off the lathe and show it to your wife. If she lets you keep it in the house you know are a wood turner. If she doesn’t let you keep it in the house try drilling a hole in one end and telling her it is a candlestick. If that doesn’t work go back to the shop and beat enough pieces of wood with enough chisels until she does let you bring a piece into the house.
You now know all you need to know about woodturning or as I call it the fine art of wood bludgeoning…
After a while you will need a bigger lathe and lots more chisels, lots more sandpaper, lots more finish, wax, photo booths, digital cameras, sharpening grinders, diamond stones and a myriad of other expensive gadgets. Heck, you will even start to wear fancy woodturning aprons, booties and Darth Vader helmets while turning. Who wouldn’t like to do that?
Sooner or later you will not be happy with the tools that you can buy and will want to make your own tools. I know wood turners who skipped buying tools all together and just made their own tools from the beginning. Look at how much money they saved. There are other turners who quit turning just to make tools to sell to other turners. You can never have enough tools and sooner or later you will find the right tool for the job if you buy enough. Your tool collection will grow to include exotic steel alloys, carbide tipped cutters and tools of every size, shape and description.
After a while you will not be satisfied with just beating your wood round on the outside and will want to make it hollow and round on the inside. That is called hollowing and opens up a whole new world of wood turning that requires a huge new assortment of turning chisels, captured tool systems, lasers, compressed air lines, vacuum chucks, steady rests and funny shaped measuring tools called calipers.
As your desire for more and more wood to beat round increases most turners find it necessary to buy four wheel drive pickup trucks, chain saws, chaps, peaveys and all sorts of logging equipment. Your best friend may become the neighborhood tree surgeon. No forest or tree will be safe from you and your lathe.
Me, I am just happy to beat my wood mostly round. My best advice is to find an American Association of Woodturners chapter near you and join and seek the advice of an experienced turner for instruction.

[charlie knighton]

you know you are a woodturner.....

when it is mentioned that it is a possibility that the 2015 national woodturning symposium might be in ohio in a city starting with C, and you start looking at the mpa to see what else is in the area to see......hmmmmmm......the serpant mound......any hotels close.....do they take aarp......

[Dan Hintz]

You know you're a woodturner when...

...you're watching a movie like Avatar, see a CGI tree that's half a mile high, and think "I wonder if i could get a chunk of that on my lathe..."

[Joe Meirhaeghe]

You know your a wood turner when you go buy a chest deep freezer just to store green wood in.:D

[Jeff Gilfor]

Or a microwave just to dry bowls.

[Peter Blair]

You know you're a woodturner if yo have wooden funnels in your shop . . . .

[Bob Bergstrom]

You know you a a woodturner if the surface of your table saw has become a very expensive tool rack!:D

[Steve Vaughan]

...when you look at every tree and stick of firewood and see nothing but boards and bowls.

[Jim Underwood]

I was filling the chainsaw today and noticed that my gas can spout had a bottle stopper preventing gas from spilling. Now, WHO BUT A WOODTURNER WOULD HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!!


Hey, I've got one of those too!

I've turned handles for my 5 gallon buckets when the plastic fell off.

YOu know you're a woodturner when you start doodling miniature birdhouses, or spindles and finials, or bottle stoppers, or ornaments, or bowls, or hollow forms while sitting in waiting rooms...

[robert baccus]

A real woodturner lusts for the bump on the tree the guy advertising gold on TV leans on. Wow.

[David DeCristoforo]

You realize that your language has become heavily laced with four letter words, many of them beginning with the letter "F". Words like "form" and "flow".

You realize that your friends are looking at you with a somewhat quizzical expression as you expound on the importance of "proportion".

You have begun to refer to everything you make as "a piece".

Your typical shop projects have been reduced in size by 80-90% of the size they used to be.

You find yourself willing to invest enormous amounts of money and travel great distances to attend "demos" and "symposiums".

You find yourself no longer able to draw a straight line and you realize that the term "board feet" has lost all meaning for you.

You have begun to wonder why you bought that "tape measure" thing.

You actively seek out pieces of wood that you previously would have tossed in the fireplace.

The word "piercing" no longer makes you think of women's navels but of the oddly shaped holes in your "latest piece".

A "void" has become something to be desired.

Your "signature style" no longer has anything to do with how you sign your name.

[Mike Cruz]

DD...cheater! :D I had a bunch I was going to post, too. But thought I'd let others partake. You OBVIOUSLY are a "turner". ;)

[david milton]

you know you are a wood turner when you have tools that have their own fans.

[John RStegall]

You know you're a woodturner when you are driving down the street admiring the lumps and bumps and interesting crotches and you all of a sudden realize OMG I'm lusting after trees!

I actually noticed this recently while driving along and essentially ignoring the young ladies and admiring the trees, boy oh boy, I know I'm approaching middle age (I'm 71) but this is ridiculous.

Phil Harris

good to know, I won't be middle age until 51 weeks from now

[Gerald Wervey]

When you turn a bowl twice so that you get one bowl. Jerry

[Jon Lanier]

When you know of every burl on every tree on the route from home to work.
When you hope to catch someone cutting down a tree that has a burl on it and hope they have no clue what it is.

[Marc Himes]

When you tear out the bottom seam in your shop shirt pockets so they don't fill up with shavings.
When you find wood shavings in your bed because you were too tired to shower after finishing your piece at 2 am and your wife knows where you went in the house by the trail of wood chips you left behind.

[Tom Rollins]

.....when you monitor SMC while on vacation in Europe.

[Russell Neyman]

You can be absolutely positive you're a woodturner if your wife says to you, "We have ENOUGH ROUND THINGS, and the next round object you bring to me better have a five-carat diamond in it!"

[Mike Cruz]

When you find wood shavings in your bed because you were too tired to shower after finishing your piece at 2 am and your wife knows where you went in the house by the trail of wood chips you left behind.

Too true!!

[John Sanders]

All so true . . thus all so funny . . . makes me proud to turn wood!!

[Kyle Iwamoto]

You need to find where the source of that chainsaw noise is coming from.

Never turn with cargo pants on.

[David DeCristoforo]

WTF has become an acronym you can use with impunity.

Wow is no longer an exclamation of surprise.

[Russell Neyman]

You know you're a woodturner when the rosewood handle of your awl is prettier than the gearshift knob on your neighbor's classic car!

[Harvey M. Taylor]

You know you are a woodturner if, when you say' no it is not thin enough' outsiders think you havent lost enough weight whe you are talking about wall thickness.[Hello Scott]. Max

[Thom Sturgill]

You know you are a 'luthier' when neighbors pass on to you beautiful curly maple, apple, etc that dad put away and they 'just want to see something pretty made from'. And you know you are a woodturner when your luthier friend (brother) passes on turnable cutoffs and thick boards with small wormtrack and ambrosia because it would ruin a guitar - and you are glad to get them.

[Russell Neyman]

You know you're a woodturner if the only pens you use have wooden casemates.

[john taliaferro]

When the neighbors ask what are the large logs in the front yard or the stack of tool books exceeds 2' beside your chair and you know whats on every page .

[Jim Underwood]

When your idea of a good time is spending time in front of a spinning piece of wood that's saturating your front side with tree juice, and an exciting time is seeing how far your gouge can shoot streamers of wood....

[Tom Boley]

You know you are a woodturner if you carry all your chain saw gear in your truck and are on a constant look-out for road kill.

[Steve Doerr]

...when your weekly "trash" from the shop is 3 time larger than your regular household trash.

[Russell Neyman]

When the neighbors ask what are the large logs in the front yard... .

...and you don't even have a fireplace!

[John Thorson]

After two days at the water park in chlorinated water your kids tell you "Dad you still smell like Elm..."

[Kathy Marshall]

Every horizontal surface in the house is covered with your "pieces" (some stacked 3 or 4 deep), and your license plate is LV2TURN ;).

[robert baccus]

All real woodturners have a big moustache to filter out the curls in your coffee or whatever.

[robert baccus]

All real woodturners have a big moustache to filter the chips out of your coffee or whatever.

[robert baccus]

My bride bought me a diesel tractor ith a front end loader.

[John Aspinall]

When you tear out the bottom seam in your shop shirt pockets so they don't fill up with shavings.
When you find wood shavings in your bed because you were too tired to shower after finishing your piece at 2 am and your wife knows where you went in the house by the trail of wood chips you left behind.

... And when there's more wood shavings than lint in the dryer filter.

[Robert Speier]

You know your a Woodturner when you take the time to read all the postings :D

[Scott Hackler]

You know you are a woodturner if, when you say' no it is not thin enough' outsiders think you havent lost enough weight whe you are talking about wall thickness.[Hello Scott]. Max

HEY! I resemble that remark (both in turning and waistline)!!! :)

[Jim Underwood]

You know your a Woodturner when you take the time to read all the postings :D

Ah! Now I know where to send the newbies! Instant woodturning abilities!

[Josh Bowman]

I hope I didn't miss this one. You know you're a woodturner when you drink your coffee with wood chips in it.
Thought of this when I set my coffee on the head of my PM3520b and took a sip, and got a mouth full. No need to spit it out, just chewed it up and kept going.

[Ben Darrah]

That sounds like a keeper Robert.

[Russell Neyman]

When there is thunder, lightening, and the power goes out, and you say, "Great news-- a tree just fell and knocked out a power line and I'm going out to look for it," everyone is convinced you're a woidturner.

[Dave Masters]

And you KNOW you're a SEGMENTED BOWLTURNER when you purchase your glue a gallon at a time!

[Chris Colman]

...when your weekly "trash" from the shop is 3 time larger than your regular household trash.
Or when your trash company refuses to pick up the bags from your shop because they think it is "yard waste".

[Russell Neyman]

...when you blow your nose and the boogers look like MDF.

[David A. Peterson]

You know you a a woodturner if the surface of your table saw has become a very expensive tool rack!:D

I put down a piece of plywood on top of my tablesaw, and even glued rails on it so the chisels won't roll off from the vibration of the lathe!

[Harvey M. Taylor]

you might be a woodturner: You send 4-5 hundred for a chainsaw with extra chains, oil,fuel, put them in a 20 thousand $ truck, drive many miles to a storm downed tree, cut off a few pieces of the log.drive back home, seal it, wait 5 or 6 months for it to dry, pull it down off the shelf and call it "free wood". Max

[Reed Gray]

When you don't even have to go out to the shop to end up with shavings in your shorts!

robo hippy

[Ken Kimbrell]

I hope I didn't miss this one. You know you're a woodturner when you drink your coffee with wood chips in it.
Thought of this when I set my coffee on the head of my PM3520b and took a sip, and got a mouth full. No need to spit it out, just chewed it up and kept going.

Me was actually able to solve this one! ... cover the coffee cup with a used finishing rag and hold it down with an extra turning blank. :D

[Jim Silva]

You know you're a woodturner when you've got plastic laminated business cards that you tack to cut trees in people's yards telling them to call you if they'd like a turned piece in exchange for a few logs.

You know you're a woodturner when you've got the local tree services on speed dial.

You know you're a woodturner when the local tree services have YOU on speed dial.

You know you're a woodturner when all the mulch around the trees and planting areas in your yard are multi-colored and you actually know what bowl shavings are around what tree.

[Stan Calow]

.... you know which neighbors' trees to check on after a bad storm.

[Russell Neyman]

Thought you guys might enjoy the collection. Add a few and I'll update the essay

https://turnabouts.wordpress.com/2015/04/26/with-apologies-to-jeff-foxworthy/

[Steve Huffman]

A while back I made a couple bluebird boxes, but when my Dad had seen them he said the hole for the bird to go threw was to large (should have done my homework) and that other pesty birds would get into them instead of the targeted blue birds. How would a wood turner handle this problem. I'll let the picture speak, and as you can see, we have happily nesting "Western Bluebirds" building a home! Looks stupid but they don't seem to care at all. :rolleyes:
312320312321

[Russell Neyman]

If your Aunt Lily asks you to make a dough rolling pin for her kitchen, and you refer to it as "commissioned work" you know you're a woodturner.

[Larry Dubia]

You know you're a woodturner when you get a splinter and upon removing it think to yourself..."I could make something outa that."

[Dave Cullen]

When you check out the cellophane wrapped bundles of firewood sold by the box stores in the Winter and wonder if there's anything in there worth chucking up in the lathe.

[Russell Neyman]

--and these, from Steve Marlow

You might be a wood TURNER if...

...you buy a bandsaw that costs more than your lathe... for the sole purpose of rounding out bowl blanks.
...you feel this unexplainable emptiness every time you throw a piece of wood in the fire

...you have a hard time finding a pen around the house that isn't made of wood... and you give your wife and kids nasty looks any time they pick up a plastic pen.
...your wife doesn't bother to call around looking for you any more. She just goes out to the shop when she needs you for anything.
...you nearly caused a car accident because you thought you saw some logs on the side of the road...

...you name your kids "Chuck" and "Burl"
...you name your dogs "Banjo", "Jet", "Oliver", or "Spalty"

...at your spouse's suggestion, you put a telephone, TV, and refrigerator in your shop... so you don't have to "carry sawdust into the house all day."
...you really - honestly - whole-heartedly - are torn between taking that vacation in Hawaii and buying that new big lathe with the 24" swing.
...you think that any household item can - and should - be replaced by something you make... from table legs to the toilet paper roll holder.
...you've walked around your neighborhood ? checking your neighbors' trees for burls.

[Jimmy Edwards]

when in the first year of woodturning I looked at my right hand and saw I was missing my right index finger, tip of thumb, and tip of middle finger.

[Geoff Whaling]

... you think when or what time is it appropriate to start turning on Christmas Day?

[Russell Neyman]

327873
...if one if your Christmas presents is a large hunk of wood!

[hu lowery]

When all of your pets are eating and drinking out of custom turned bowls.

Hu

[hu lowery]

Checked my e-mail after the last post and the obvious struck me. You know you are a woodturner when you get more Christmas cards and greetings from woodturning suppliers than friends and family!

Hu

[Michael Schneider]

You know you are a woodturner when you are visiting the grave of your bride on Christmas, and there is a freshly downed and cut up tree on the path to the grave. You load up several logs in the trunk, then walk up to the grave to thank you bride for the special Christmas gift.


Merry Christmas to all and many blessings this new year

Michael

[Peter Blair]

Wow Michael. She must have been one very special person!!!

[Michael Schneider]

Peter,

She was the love of my life and my best friend. We had quite an adventure together for the past 20 some years. I have to smile or chuckle with every memory.

I think most wood turners I know have pretty special wives :-)

[Dok Yager]

You Know you are a wood turner when: Your amazing wife wants every piece you make and your logs are placed everywhere. Even in the back of your beloved hot rod truck!

[Russell Neyman]

You know you're a woodturner if your nickname was once "Woody" but now it's "Chip."

[David DeCristoforo]

...you read this entire thread again every time it
pops back up.

[Russell Neyman]

If you know how to pronounce "cyanoacrylate" you're probably a woodturner.

[Prashun Patel]

...if your nickname was once "Chip", but now it's "Curly".

[Tim Boger]

It only took me 1 time having that happen to never forget to remove it ... ouch!


You know you are a woodturner if you have a hole in your elbow from forgetting to move the tailstock. Not original, but don't know who said it.....

robo hippy

[Dennis Peacock]

Some good posts......I've done or experience or even thought almost every single done. :D

[Doug Ladendorf]

You know your a woodturner when you reserve a garbage can for the too nice to burn firewood that you will get to some day.

[Bruce Wilson]

.... you know which neighbors' trees to check on after a bad storm.

Gonna have to give this one a ReTweet.

[Russell Neyman]

...or when you spend an entire weekend cutting out dry rot from your porch eaves, the a few days later turn a "spalted" bowl and call it beautiful.

(I bet this one will need to sink in for a few minutes.)

[Russell Neyman]

You know you're a woodturner if you have a great-looking woodpile. (Forwarded to me by one of the guys from Woodturners Around the Globe)

[Russell Neyman]

This one was posted by turner Pat Miller on Facebook; needs no caption

354262

[Russell Neyman]

You are, absolutely, a woodturner if there are spots of finish on every single set of safety glasses you own.

[Alan Arnup]

You know you are a woodturner if you choose to go to the woodturning club rather than go out and celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary the same night.

[Jay Mullins]

A rake would work, but a leaf blower is faster. Make sure to use ear protection.

Jay

[Russell Neyman]

You're a woodturner if you sometimes wear shirts backward or inside out ... to keep wood chips from getting into unwanted areas of your body. The female turners will, especially, appreciate this comment.

[Barry McFadden]

You know you're a woodturner if....every morning you wake up you have this song stuck in your head... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4ga_M5Zdn4

[JohnC Lucas]

Well I do all sorts of woodworking as well as wood turning. So in my shop I have a Microwave for warming glue and drying wood blanks, and hand iron for applying veneer, a hair dryer to dry paints and make epoxy more viscous, a hair curler for bending veneer, An electric skillet for melting parrafin to dip woods into, an electric meat knife that I use to carve styrafoam for models. I guess that makes me a domestic wood worker.

[Wayne Jolly]

You know if you are a wood turner if . . . when your WIFE sees a fallen tree and asks what you could make for her with it.

Wayne

[Prashun Patel]

"your WIFE sees a fallen tree and asks..."

If only.

You know you're a turner if when your WIFE sees a fallen tree and tells you, "Don't even think about out it. Look straight ahead."

[robert baccus]

When you see a roadkill tree and your wife grabs her chainsaw and you grab the wedges and maul.

[Perry Hilbert Jr]

when you routinely go a few blocks out of your way to see what scraps the furniture factory put out front in their "free" bin.

[Richard Casey]

You know you are a woodturner if you spend 1 1/2 days making new decorative handles for a Steel, Knife and Fork in a carving set, just because you can. I must admit they turned out very nice.

[Russell Neyman]

You’re probably a woodturner if you keep a bag of coffee grounds in your shop, and you don’t even drink the stuff!

[Dueane Hicks]

When you buy a gouge instead of medicine.

[Prashun Patel]

When you stop chuckling at the mention of weed pots and short curlies.

[Alex Zeller]

When your wife repeatedly has to remind you (as you've got the chainsaw in hand) that the bow on the neighbors gnarly burly sugar maple doesn't mean it's your birthday present.

[Brian Deakin]

You know you are a woodturner when every relative ,friend ,neighbor ,work colleague and acquaintance has at least one of your bowls

[Richard Casey]

You know that you are a Woodturner when you spend hours searching for the right blank, cut it round, start turning and then find the broken branch stub in the middle that makes the project unusable.
So back to the racks again tomorrow.
Rgds,
Richard.

[Dave Mount]

When you're supposed to be cutting firewood and the "save" pile is bigger than the "burn" pile.

[Russell Neyman]

Ok, this might be a stretch...

You know you’re a woodturner when your governor requires you to wear a mask and practice “social distancing” and you realize you’ve been in quarantine all along.

[Ethan Green]

You know you’re a woodturner if…. Your doorstop is a hunk of cocobolo. 506635

[Tim Elett]

If you suddenly realize, i don't have time to read all this, i have a project on the lathe i need to finish!

[Walter Mooney]

You know you’re a woodturner when you chock the wheels of your Club’s trailer with bowl blanks, and once you’ve gotten the wheel off, to have the tire repaired, you prop the hub up with a bowl blank and some Scandinavia beech spoon blanks!

[Brian Brown]

When people (friends neighbors people you don't know) sneak up to your house at night, cover the Ring doorbell, and quickly and stealthily dump trees or tree parts in your driveway as a "Gift". Then the next morning you can't go to work until you cut up the debris.