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Rich Riddle
10-23-2012, 8:41 PM
What information and wisdom can you pass down about wives and women in general? Any old timers have wisdom to help out those married less time?

Tim Boger
10-23-2012, 8:44 PM
What information and wisdom can you pass down about wives and women in general? Any old timers have wisdom to help out those married less time?


Right or wrong, be the first to compromise and the first to apologize.

Larry Browning
10-23-2012, 8:46 PM
I wouldn't touch this one with a 20 foot pole!
I have been married to my bride for 35 years, she makes my life worth living and I wouldn't trade a single minute I have had with her for anything! But I have no words of wisdom for you.

Todd Burch
10-23-2012, 9:05 PM
I take it there might be some friction brewing??? Hope not.

Had my wife and I not starting going to church, we would have been divorced a long time ago. Next May, we celebrate 25 years. If you ain't going... consider it. Best wisdom I can come up with.

Todd

Michael Weber
10-23-2012, 9:09 PM
40 years here. Started to type then decided to echo Larry and not offer advice. Dynamics of couples are too complex. What works for some would drive others apart. Just depends on the ego's involved as well as empathy quotent and likely a whole bunch of other stuff including luck.

Steven Green
10-23-2012, 9:30 PM
41 here and I have no advice either. Hard work and luck got us this far.

Ken Fitzgerald
10-23-2012, 9:36 PM
Last Friday was the 44th anniversary of my meeting my wife on a blind date. Our first date was on Saturday night. She was a young blonde divorcee with 2 kids. She, her two children and I went on a picnic Sunday afternoon and Monday night at dinner I asked her to marry me...the 3rd day I knew her. After some discussion last Thursday night and referring to a 1968 calendar, we decided 9 days after asking her to marry me, I signed over my checking and savings accounts and left for bootcamp. 2 days after coming home from bootcamp, we were married. This Christmas Eve we will celebrate our 44th anniversary, God willing. I nearly lost her to a rare deadly form of cancer 20 years ago last month. 3 years after we were married, I adopted those 2 kids and we had one more.

I was attracted to her for 2 reasons....one of the most basic of human needs....she needed me in her life........ and yes.......she was and still is beautiful in my eyes.

Advice?

Marriage is a partnership. Like a job or profession, you have to work at it every day. You can never afford to take your relationship for granted. My MIL has made the statement "You two get along so well because you spoil each other." Make the other person's happiness more important than your own. And if you are lucky.....they will return the same attitude.

Jason Roehl
10-23-2012, 9:42 PM
If you're going to fight (with words--always be a gentleman), take divorce off the table as an option and fight towards a solution, not to hurt each other. 17 years as of July 1--just under a month after my under-40 wife in perfect health had a spontaneous coronary artery dissection, netting her two stents in her circumflex coronary artery and a handful of pills every day for a while to come. Very thankful hubby here...

Tim Janssen
10-23-2012, 9:46 PM
Come April 2013. We'll be married 60 years. Advice: Well we are still working on our relationship and getting better at it every day. 2 Weeks after the wedding we landed in Canada from Holland to start a new life. We each had 30 dollars, that's all you could purchase. Foreign currency was strictly controlled the first decade plus after the war, particularly Canadian and American dollars.

Tim

Jim Underwood
10-23-2012, 9:56 PM
Best advice I ever had was to listen to my wife. What that does NOT mean is (and I do all of these very very well) apologize, excuse, explain, defend, attack, or shift blame. What is DOES mean is to hear and acknowledge how she feels. Once she knows I understand, she can move on. Feelings are not wrong, they just are.

Jerry Thompson
10-23-2012, 9:59 PM
We are coming up 0n 46 years. I tell my spouse the main reason I married her was to up-grade her family.

Erik Loza
10-23-2012, 10:01 PM
Right or wrong, be the first to compromise and the first to apologize.

'Nuff said... ^^^

Erik Loza
Minimax USA

Rich Riddle
10-23-2012, 10:05 PM
No friction brewing; just thought it's a good time to get sagely advice. Mine's a smart cookie, and at time that's a handful.

Joe Bradshaw
10-23-2012, 10:32 PM
My wife and I were married for 43 and a half years before cancer took her from me. The best advice that I can give is to be best friends and never try to get the last word in a disagreement. Most important, never go to bed angry.

Sam Murdoch
10-23-2012, 10:56 PM
Respect for yourself and respect for her. Then realize that if you had to really be honest about it, there are moments in every day when you don't impress yourself very much or even don't like yourself. Why would you expect more from another?

Most of problems in a relationship fall upon the sharp edge of needing to be right when needing to honor the love is more valuable and much more worth protecting than ones ego.

Jamie Buxton
10-23-2012, 10:59 PM
They're all different. Each woman is an individual. There are no generalizations that apply to all women.

Rod Sheridan
10-24-2012, 8:28 AM
Wow. a lot of old timers here, it will only be 30 years for me next year.

There have been a lot of humourous, and serious posts here, great stuff.

I'm with the concensus, it's all about respect and empathy, no secret solutions or one size fits all strategies.

Women, like men, come in all varieties, some better than others.........The trick is give and take from both partners, regardless of gender. I have a couple of friends in same sex relationships and the issues are the same for them.........Regards, Rod.

Howard Garner
10-24-2012, 8:56 AM
After 48 years I offer only limited advice, but it has worked for us.
If/when you have disagreements/fights/what ever, and then you make up and forgive.
NEVER BRING UP THAT PROBLEM AGAIN. Once you have forgiven, it is not fair to use it as a weapon in another dispute, it should be gone and forgotten.

Howard Garner

Curt Fuller
10-24-2012, 9:23 AM
Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! And that applies to both husband and wife. Like everything in life, some days are better than others. Make the effort to have the good days out number the bad. 39 years here.

mike holden
10-24-2012, 10:18 AM
There are only two phrases you need to know: 1) Yes, Dear and 2) Honestly Dear, I have no idea how that happened
These two will serve you well throughout your married life.

Mike

Paul McGaha
10-24-2012, 10:19 AM
Marriage is a partnership. Like a job or profession, you have to work at it every day. You can never afford to take your relationship for granted. My MIL has made the statement "You two get along so well because you spoil each other." Make the other person's happiness more important than your own. And if you are lucky.....they will return the same attitude.[/QUOTE]

I would agree with all of the above. The only things I think I could add would be both people need to be fair, honest, selfless, caring, to their mates. Frannie and I will make our 36th anniversary this January. Best thing that ever happened to me was to marry her.

PHM

Greg Portland
10-24-2012, 11:54 AM
Apologies (saying you're sorry) doesn't work, ask for forgiveness instead.

Don Orr
10-24-2012, 12:09 PM
Talk and listen openly and honestly-both of you. From a rookie of only 13 years married.

Jim Rimmer
10-24-2012, 12:42 PM
I take it there might be some friction brewing??? Hope not.

Had my wife and I not starting going to church, we would have been divorced a long time ago. Next May, we celebrate 25 years. If you ain't going... consider it. Best wisdom I can come up with.

Todd

+1 on this advice.

Jim Rimmer
10-24-2012, 12:48 PM
When my son was approaching his marriage, I told him there were three phrases to remember:
1. You are right.
2. I am wrong.
3. I'm sorry.

My wife overheard and told me that wasn't very funny. "My response: You're right, sweetheart. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry." :D

Seriously, though, I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 44 years and could go on for a long time about advice. The one thing I would tell you, and it took me a long time to learn, is you don't have to say everything that comes to your mind.

John C Lawson
10-24-2012, 1:47 PM
Married 26 years, here. Grow a skin; do not allow yourself to be offended easily, and do not rise to the bait if you feel provoked.

Jim Koepke
10-24-2012, 2:02 PM
Most important thing to remember, If mama ain't happy ain't nobody gonna be happy.

Oh, and don't hog the remote

jtk

-- Coming up on 31 years in January.

Patrick McCarthy
10-24-2012, 2:15 PM
going on 35 years here, and why she puts up with me remains a mystery, but a blessing to be sure.

Lots of sage advice in these responses. Everyone's journey is different. I think all will agree there is a constant learning curve, and just when you figure it out, life changes and so do the dynamics (such as kids, teenage years, menopause), so you need to stay tuned into your relationship.

With me, the biggest surprise/difficulty came with learning to listen WITHOUT trying to fix it or offer suggestions as to how it should be fixed. Guys are innately "fixers" . . . give us a problem to solve or a task to do and we are like a dog with a new bone, wagging our tail and happy to be solving/accomplishing something. It is what we are wired to do. On the other hand, the other gender sometimes wants to vent/relate a problem . . .without having us spring into action. Personally I don't understand it, and still have problems perceiving when I am to sit silently and listen and when I am to do something (like expressing an opinion rather than just empathsizing). However, since I became aware of this basic difference in wiring I have also become slower to leap into problem solving mode (my mind still goes there but my impulse control -read "mouth" - is a bit more restrained until I can read more signals as to what is expected from me) . . . .

I guess the only other thing i would offer pertains to taking things (with each other) for granted. After 7-10 years of marriage, plus a bunch of kids, the day-to-day necessities of life and work (getting the kids to school on time, doing homework, getting them fed and into bed, finding some down time for yourselves to unwind, finding time to get your stuff prepared for work the next day, paying the bills, etc, etc, etc) tend to overtake everything else . . . . . . and although insidious, your relationship can get moved to the proverbial back burner (hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it ) until suddenly you are both unhappy but not sure why. The insidious part is it creeps up on you while you are running on the treadmill of life, but what has happened is you have transitioned from being young lovers into "executives of the home" . . . . and probably at work too, and what has been taken for granted is the expressions of love and respect that we used to use to reassure each other of our love and committment to each other. These expressions have fallen by the way by the sheer demands upon our time, but once pointed out, are easy enough to remedy . . . . . and the journey is so much better with someone by your side. From a guy's perspective the simple fact that we keep working hard to provide for our family, to educate the kids, to come home each night, to keep running on the treadmill of life . . . are all signs of our love and committment BUT the other half of our lives wants to be reminded how special and important they are to us. A few words can make a world of difference . . . and you have to acknowledge that love you have for her someplace other than just the bedroom, or else she won't hear it.

Larry Whitlow
10-24-2012, 2:15 PM
Quote from my sister-in-law about her recent 25th anniversary -- "Our secret is he works nights and I work days". :)

Todd Burch
10-24-2012, 2:18 PM
... With me, the biggest surprise/difficulty came with learning to listen WITHOUT trying to fix it or offer suggestions as to how it should be fixed. Guys are innately "fixers" . . . give us a problem to solve or a task to do and we are like a dog with a new bone, wagging our tail and happy to be solving/accomplishing something. It is what we are wired to do. On the other hand, the other gender sometimes wants to vent/relate a problem . . .without having us spring into action. Personally I don't understand it, and still have problems perceiving when I am to sit silently and listen and when I am to do something (like expressing an opinion rather than just empathsizing). However, since I became aware of this basic difference in wiring I have also become slower to leap into problem solving mode (my mind still goes there but my impulse control -read "mouth" - is a bit more restrained until I can read more signals as to what is expected from me) . . . .

You nailed this one on the head Patrick. It's called "holding the bucket"!

Ole Anderson
10-24-2012, 2:40 PM
Always treat each parting as though it were your last, never to see her again.

Todd Burch
10-24-2012, 2:45 PM
Always treat each parting as though it were your last, never to see her again.

Wow - somedays... I would be jumping for joy!! Like... GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!! :D

Peter Kelly
10-24-2012, 3:41 PM
"There's plenty of other fish in the sea"

Lee Schierer
10-24-2012, 3:57 PM
The smartest thing you can do is have her watch this video Men's Brains vs Women's Brains (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiVCD9QMAMI). It will help you understand how the female brain works and she will understand how yours works.

Just remember that when you get caught not listening, you can say you were in your empty box. :D

Peter Kelly
10-24-2012, 4:08 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w

Jay Jolliffe
10-24-2012, 5:02 PM
I just want to echo what Larry said. It's been a little scary for use for the past 5 months as my wife found out she has cancer. Treatment has gone well but I think if it was different & we weren't a couple would I want to continue....She is my whole life. When she's not here I'm a mess. Someone said there are a lot of fish in the sea but not like this one...& I wouldn't want another.
I have been married to my bride for 35 years, she makes my life worth living and I wouldn't trade a single minute I have had with her for anything! But I have no words of wisdom for you.[/QUOTE]

Charlie Velasquez
10-24-2012, 5:13 PM
Remember that you are a couple, but still unique individuals.
To demonstrate my advice:

1. I haven't stopped laughing after watching P. Kelly's video (going on 5 minutes now)
2. No way I would show that to my wife!

Kevin Bourque
10-24-2012, 5:37 PM
Never tell your wife about your girlfriend...or vice-versa.:)

ray hampton
10-24-2012, 5:49 PM
I been married twice [not to the same wife] and I still do not understand women

Fred Belknap
10-24-2012, 6:50 PM
A lot of good advise. My advise is to make a conscious decision to make it work, everything else is just details.

Belinda Williamson
10-25-2012, 8:13 AM
First . . . wives and women . . . mutually exclusive. :D You can have one, or the other. Here is some advice I gave my cousin recently on her wedding day. Partly in jest and partly serious. Take it for what it is worth. It works just as well for men as it does for women. Disclaimer: I'm a total failure at marriage and a screaming success at being divorced. So, perhaps my advice isn't worth much at all.

Here is some advice from someone who never quite got the whole marriage thing right.
Run . . . . but if you won’t run . . .do it right.
Always be honest.
Don’t make him the source of all your happiness, and don’t be his.
Go to bed angry. It’s okay because at 3 a.m. you’ll still be beating the same dead horse, ...and that’s really stressful for your neighbors.
Every morning vow to be committed to your marriage and remind yourself of all the reasons you love him.
Speak your dreams and hopes and wishes clearly . . . loudly . . . frequently. He can’t read your mind any better than you can read his.
Keep your friends. When he really makes you angry or does something stupid your friends will listen and offer to help you dig a hole. He won’t. But don’t let your friends make your decisions for you.
Love him always. You don’t necessarily have to like him every minute of every day.
Realize that both of you are going to grow and that ten years from now you won’t be the same people you are today. Accept that.
A marriage takes work, sometimes pleasurable, sometimes not. It takes two people working all the time toward a common goal of life together. It takes focus and dedication, and it ain’t for quitters. It’s beautiful and ugly and challenging and rewarding. So every night when you close your eyes say a prayer of thanks that you made it one more day, and ask for the strength to do it all again tomorrow.
I wish you all the joy and happiness that your heart can hold on this special day. When you are standing on that beach today be aware, be alive, drink it all in and don’t just let it all rush by. Don’t just speak your vows . . . hear them as well, and put faith in what he vows to you.

ray hampton
10-25-2012, 10:23 AM
First . . . wives and women . . . mutually exclusive. :D You can have one, or the other. Here is some advice I gave my cousin recently on her wedding day. Partly in jest and partly serious. Take it for what it is worth. It works just as well for men as it does for women. Disclaimer: I'm a total failure terrible and a screaming success at being divorced. So, perhaps my advice isn't worth much at all.

Here is some advice from someone who never quite got the whole marriage thing right.
Run . . . . but if you wonít run . . .do it right.
Always be honest.
Donít make him the source of all your happiness, and donít be his.
Go to bed angry. Itís okay because at 3 a.m. youíll still be beating the same dead horse, ...and thatís really stressful for your neighbors.
Every morning vow to be committed to your marriage and remind yourself of all the reasons you love him.
Speak your dreams and hopes and wishes clearly . . . loudly . . . frequently. He canít read your mind any better than you can read his.
Keep your friends. When he really makes you angry or does something stupid your friends will listen and offer to help you dig a hole. He wonít. But donít let your friends make your decisions for you.
Love him always. You donít necessarily have to like him every minute of every day.
Realize that both of you are going to grow and that ten years from now you wonít be the same people you are today. Accept that.
A marriage takes work, sometimes pleasurable, sometimes not. It takes two people working all the time toward a common goal of life together. It takes focus and dedication, and it ainít for quitters. Itís beautiful and ugly and challenging and rewarding. So every night when you close your eyes say a prayer of thanks that you made it one more day, and ask for the strength to do it all again tomorrow.
I wish you all the joy and happiness that your heart can hold on this special day. When you are standing on that beach today be aware, be alive, drink it all in and donít just let it all rush by. Donít just speak your vows . . . hear them as well, and put faith in what he vows to you.

do you think that it would be a mistake for my wife to read this post ? second question DO you think that it were a mistake for me to read this post since I tend to forget PQ

Gordon Eyre
10-25-2012, 10:34 AM
Do your share of the household work and practice the principles of compromise in all of your dealings with her. Love your wife and tell her so often. Find time to do things together.

Mike Henderson
10-25-2012, 1:13 PM
Okay, I'll try. Based on living a lot of years and being married for most of them, this is what I've learned:

1. No secrets or lies. But that doesn't mean blabbing about everything. For example, don't go into detail about previous relationships. Some things that are heard are never forgotten. Don't lie but just refuse to talk about things that might hurt the other person.

2. Assuming these things are true, tell your wife how beautiful you find her and how empty life would be without her. And tell her that often. In a relationship, the other person always appreciates hearing those kind of things and they provide reassurance of the relationship. Tell her you love her and that will never change.

3. You will disagree about things. Hopefully, you'll be able to do so without anger and you'll respect each other's positions. When you have an argument, try to look deeply into why you're having the argument. Sometimes the reason has nothing to do with the subject of the argument.

4. I hope you have respect for her as a person and that she respects you for what your are and what you do. If this is not true, the relationship is in trouble.

5. It really helps if you both have a good sense of humor.

Mike

Jim Rimmer
10-25-2012, 2:03 PM
I would add another piece of advice to what I have already said (and others have given great advice). Buy her a small gift every once in a while for no reason. Not flowers or jewelery - a CD she mentioned, a book she would like to read. Just surprise her every once in awhile.

George Gyulatyan
10-25-2012, 2:29 PM
My grandfather who was married twice, had lost his first wife of 20-some years to cancer and was married to his second for 50 until he passed away used to tell me:
"You should listen to your woman only on Fridays and then do the opposite".

I routinely ignore this advice, and end up kicking myself for not following it :D

Rich Riddle
10-26-2012, 4:26 PM
I would add another piece of advice to what I have already said (and others have given great advice). Buy her a small gift every once in a while for no reason. Not flowers or jewelery - a CD she mentioned, a book she would like to read. Just surprise her every once in awhile.My wife likes things that sparkle. Perhaps I will try to remember the names of books.

Belinda Williamson
10-26-2012, 5:08 PM
My wife likes things that sparkle. Perhaps I will try to remember the names of books.

My ex was the best ever in this department. Christmas, birthday, anniversary would roll around and the gift would be something I had mentioned in passing that I would like to have. He always listened, even when I didn't realize it. I wish I could have been as good a wife as he was a husband, but apparently there was just something missing. Whenever he gave me a book he always took time to write a personal message to me inside, sometimes on a random page . . . I would turn and there it was. That was pretty special.

Brian Ashton
10-26-2012, 7:15 PM
When your wife comes to you with a problem or issue (other than genuine fix it problems) keep your mouth shut. And even if you don't understand and have empathy - FAKE IT. Women want: love, be understood, and have empathy for - they most often don't want a guy trying to fix everything or offer advise.


If you're confused on what a genuine fix it problem is... it always has a tangible component to it. So if she's having problems with a colleague at work don't try to fix it unless specifically asked.

I'm by default a bros before hoes type of guy but I was at dinner the other night with a bunch of friends and had to break the code... One couple there are having problems... One of the main issues she has with hime is his insistence (bordering on obsessive) on injecting "wisdom" into everything she thinks and wants to do, and it drives her nuts! It dives every woman nuts. I finally turned to him while they were sniping at each other and said "after 4 years of marriage you STILL haven't learned to keep you mouth shut have you. Just once try not to tell her how to do something better and see how she reacts..." Didn't shut him up :mad: