consoling a loved one on loss?

[curtis rosche]

after the death of my stepdad i took it pretty hard, but my mother took it alot harder and is still trying to get through. she recently made a comment that she is "just barely making it" trying to deal with everything. she has sought out some help, but what can i do to help her more? i try to do what i can, but so far it doesnt seem to help much. any insight?

[JohnT Fitzgerald]

Ask her....

just letting her know you are there for her could be a help all by itself.

[David Larsen]

She also needs to know that it is hard, but it does get better.

[Allan Ferguson]

About a year to begin to get through the grieving process. Special occasions such as birthdays and holidays can be extra tough through the years. Just be there for her. Let her talk about things if and when she is ready to do so.

[Brian Kent]

Curtis,

Nothing can be said to take away the problem. However you say "I love you" and "I care about you, mom" is very helpful. It's OK to talk about your stepdad and it's OK to ask her if you can talk about him. She is thinking about him all of the time. Thank you for caring about her.

Brian

[Van Huskey]

Spend time with her, get her out of the house to eat or do things she likes to do. In the end she just has to know you are there for her, in the end we all have to work out loss in our own way.

[Myk Rian]

When we lost our youngest son, we went to meetings of others that also lost a child.
Support groups can be wonderful.
How about a local senior center? Many there have also lost their mate, and are very supportive.
You need to get her thoughts on other subjects, and interests/activities.

[curtis rosche]

When we lost our youngest son, we went to meetings of others that also lost a child.
Support groups can be wonderful.
How about a local senior center? Many there have also lost their mate, and are very supportive.
You need to get her thoughts on other subjects, and interests/activities.

she would be insulted if you told her to go to a senior center. she is only 53 and still has some years of teaching left

[Bonnie Campbell]

Being around someone that grieves is hard, but DO be there. If she wants to talk about him, don't discourage her. We know in the back of our mind that the person is gone but we don't want to feel that others have forgotten them. Little things can bring back big memories. The first year is the hardest. All the holidays the person won't be there.... My husband has been gone almost 3 years now, and some days are still hard. I have a couple widow friends that lost their husbands around the same time I lost mine. One has turned into a hermit and the other turned to alcohol. I don't want to go either of them routes.

BTW, I'm 50 and I intend on going to the local senior center. Granted, I'm going to volunteer but there are things for us younger ones to do also.

[Myk Rian]

she would be insulted if you told her to go to a senior center. she is only 53 and still has some years of teaching left
Senior center memberships start at 50. If you have an AARP card, you're a senior citizen. I was 56 when I joined ours. Will be 63 in a few months.
I started there after rehab from a heart attack and surgery, to use the weight room, continuing the rehab.
I am now in charge of the room and do the introduction lessons, am called on for repair jobs at the center, am the production manager and lighting tech for our stage productions, and even answer the phone if needed.
Being 53 and a member of a senior center is not an insult. It's fun, depending what you make of it.

[Matt Meiser]

i try to do what i can, but so far it doesnt seem to help much. any insight?

I bet it means more to her than you could imagine.

[Dennis Peacock]

Curtis,
I'm going through the same exact thing as you. I lost my dad in Sep 2011. My mom was married to my dad for 53 years until he died in her arms in the master bedroom of their home. I made a 400 mile trip (one way) to be there for my dad and to tell him that I loved him "just one more time" before he passed away. I made it 30 minutes prior to his death. My mom grieves every single day and my dad was her "life". She never worked outside the home, he was the husband and friend to her that I've struggled to be to my own wife and family. The best thing you can do for her, is to just be there for her, hug her, remind her that you love her, and help her in whatever way she needs assistance with. Losing a stepdad or dad is a lot different than losing a wife or husband. You and I can go back to "life as usual" once we leave the home "nest" and resume our normal daily lives. Your mom and mine can not resume normal "life" as their lives have now been changed forever and it's never the same for them. They now sleep alone, eat alone, watch tv alone, sit alone, and go through the daily mail alone.

To date, I have made several trips from my home to my mom's (397 miles one way) for a total of just over 8,000 miles of travel from September 2011 to date. She needs you around, even if it's just to have dinner with her and watch tv with her. This companionship between you both helps ease the pain she suffers daily. I have yet to tell my mom that I "understand how she feels"....because I truly do not know how she feels. I have an idea of how she feels but I still have a lot to learn about all this. Her grieving process can and will take a long time. Many I've talked to says that it will be a year or more. Dealing with my mother-in-law (who lost her husband a year ago this past Thanksgiving) is just now getting over most of the pain. Now she struggles daily with lonliness.

But....that's just a bit of what I have to share about all this at this time. I hope something I've posted helps.

[Jim Matthews]

Not to be flip, scout around for a Zumba "Gold" class.

Best you can do is carry on your day-to-day, pass the Kleenex and keep building on your own life.
Don't forget, she's full grown and entitled to her grief. Us men, we want to fix things.

This is one of those hurts that can't be mended.
Those burdened just learn how to carry it with some care.

Good man to have your head in the game,
Jim
Westport, MA

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Curtis,

Grieving the loss of a loved one is one road we all have to walk alone. There is no timetable and there is no set path. We all do it at our own speed and via the roads our minds take us.

Believe me when I say you are more important to your Mom than even your step-father was.

Let your Mom know that you love her, you are concerned about her and you are there should she need to talk with someone. Periodically gently suggest the two of you do something together. Even a Sunday afternoon trip to a local restaurant can be special to her. Keep in mind, she may at first turn those offers down. If she does resist, don't push too hard...just say you understand, express your concern and tell her you love her.

[Andrew Pitonyak]

Not at home so I do not have my usual resources... These may help.

http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm

http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

[Wil Limanen]

I lost my wife of 35 years in 07 from ALS. I had 18 months to watch her go down. I was relieved for her but I had a great emptiness inside. I started going back to church after neglecting going for many years. I met a wonderful gal there and we got married. My kids were very supportive to me. We just buried my Dad last Nov and my Mom is in the same situation now. We keep in touch.

Wil