whos right and who is in the wrong?

[curtis rosche]

so im living in the dorm this year at college, and me and my roommate dont see eye to eye. he is a neat freak and im not (im not a slob, but im not anal about how stuff is placed). he tells me i NEED to empty MY half full trashcan cause it bothers him. next issue, the tv cable jack is on his side of the room. he doesnt watch tv so i have to run my cord across the room some how. i ran it along the wire track that runs around the block walls. the tape came unstuck cause i didnt use ducttape. this apparently annoyed him so much that he unplugged my cable and refuses to plug it back in. then today, after my first two classes of the day, its about 10:30, i come back to the dorm and he is taking a nap after his first classes. i dont normaly take naps, so i relaxe at my computer. i didnt have the volume turned up loud, just enough so i can clearly understand whats going on on the show i was watching on hulu. this apparently sparked another nerve which made him get up and turn his stereo on and turn it up well above the noise of my computer. whats the appropriate way to handle situations like this ? and who is in the wrong here?

sorry if it sounds long and ranty, but i am rather "motivated" right now for lack of a better word that is appropriate.

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Curtis.....any time 2 or more people have to live together in rather confined quarters disagreements are going to happen. My suggestion is to sit down and talk with him and see if you can come to a resolution. If the two of you can't work things out, don't make a scene of the problem, go to the housing office and ask to be reassigned to another room.

[Chuck Wintle]

besides the fact that your roommate seems to be the controlling type he cannot bar you from access to the tv cable. can you talk to someone about this on campus and if possible get another roommate. life is too short for that kind of stuff.

[Bruce Page]

It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart discussion, it isn’t a question of right & wrong. Sharing a dorm room is akin to marriage; there needs to be compromise, respect, and consideration on both sides. You could have put on headphones and avoided one argument.

[curtis rosche]

im lookin for another room. but there is a room freexe period that isnt up yet. they freeze room movement so they can tell where there are rooms and where there arent rooms. i thought about sitting down and talking, but im not sure if it would stay civil and calm. i always try to work things out, but there cant be all give on one persons side and all take on the other..

[Chris Kennedy]

Curtis,

If you don't think you can stay civil and calm, you need to speak to your RA. Many RA's are trained to help with roommate conflicts. The one thing to not let happen is that it continue without being addressed. That will just cause bigger problems down the line.

Chris

[Matt Meiser]

No one is right and no one is wrong. Like those above said you have to learn to live with each other.

I was going to write about some of my roommates, but this is publicly searchable and I don't want say things that might make someone looking up my name mad. Especially the one guy :eek:

My youngest brother recently took his first vows to become a Brother in the Order of St. Francis. At the ceremony, one of his college roommates (from probably 8 years ago,) who now goes by the name Fr. Dan, told a funny story about how they got in a big fight over my brother's "collection of random computer parts from the 1980's" and how they ended the year "practicing their vow of silence." They are good friends now BTW.

Edit: good advise on speaking to the RA. Conflict resolution is part of their job. If your's blows it off, speak to another or the head RA (or whoever is in charge in your school's structure.) But first I'd suggest trying to get calmed down about the situation and speak with him when you aren't actually mad.

[Jerome Stanek]

ask the RA to sit down with the both of you and discuss the issues.

[Brian Vaughn]

I'll agree with talking to the RA, but it sounds like your roomate was an only child who always got his way, and isn't adjusting well. I had the opposite, a roomate who was an only child and as soon as he got away from his parents, let his life go to pot (Not literally, mind you.)
I'm with you - I take the trash out when I can no longer smush it down and make space (Or there's something on top that I don't want to smush). When his trash can got too full, he went and got a bigger trash can. Actually, he went and got a yard trash can, and even then he had trash spilling out of it onto the floor.
He quit going to classes, so he would play video games until 3 or 4 in the morning. At first it was through the speakers, I complained, and he put on headphones. But at 3AM, he would have it turned up so loud that I couldn't sleep because of the noise. I yelled, went to the RA, and in the end, I just had to deal with it for the rest of that year, then he was kicked out of school, and I've not talked to him again.

Hopefully that's not the answer that you get to, but maybe you can suggest some compromises to help things. He's upset about the cable, offer a solution how it will be connected and stay out of the way. Or offer to swap sides of the room with him. The noise on the computer, you can get a set of inexpensive headphones that would allow you to listen and not bother him if he's asleep. But at the same time, he needs to learn to loosen up. If your half-full trash bothers him that much, he should take it out when he takes his out (Assuming it's not costing you bags each time...and assuming it's not smelling up the room). In the end, it's a lot like a marriage...you two are living together now, you either need to find a middle ground, or get divorced, because if things are already this bad at the start, it would make for an especially miserable year for both of you if it continues this way...

[David G Baker]

Curtis,
It is definitely past time for a divorce (I have left wives with similar dispositions). Try to put up with the situation and if you can be civil, then get the heck out as soon as a place becomes available.

[Ben Hatcher]

Welcome to the big boy and girl world of adulthood. Time to learn how to compromise and respect the fact that there is another person with equal rights sharing your space. Learn to live without inconveniencing others. It will serve you well.

You need to learn to talk to and negotiate with your roommate. You're both going to have to give a little. If he wants to take a nap after class, agree on when and for how long he needs and go somewhere to study during that time. If you insist on being in the room and watching tv, wear headphones.

[Bill Edwards(2)]

ask the RA to sit down with the both of you and discuss the issues.

Bingo! What he said.

[curtis rosche]

sorry if my compaints sounded a bit childish, i was rather wound up when i posted it, it just ticks me off that a person can make it to their sophmore year in college (and he apparently lived on his own since high school) and still not have learned that you cant always have it your way and that you must work with others.

[John Lohmann]

Is he very smart & going to be a billionaire?

[curtis rosche]

Is he very smart & going to be a billionaire?
not sure,,, but with his adittude and the things he does, i think someone will slam the door if his face when the oppourtunity arises

[Mike Wilkins]

The 2 of you should have a 3rd party mediate this situation. Been out of college for a while, but I know the challenges of living with someone for a long time period. Sounds like your roomie will have a problem with anyone he has to share a room with.

[curtis rosche]

Sounds like your roomie will have a problem with anyone he has to share a room with.

dead on. he has had enough roommates do a room change in the past that he actually handed me the papers before i even thought about it, and he has multiple copies so he doesnt have to go to the housing office to get more

[Ken Garlock]

Maybe you could stop by the local Army recruitment office and fill out some paper work for the boy.

[Matt Meiser]

dead on. he has had enough roommates do a room change in the past that he actually handed me the papers before i even thought about it, and he has multiple copies so he doesnt have to go to the housing office to get more

Well, that kind of changes things. Sounds like driving you out is his plan.

[Ben Hatcher]

When I was an RA I had two resident who were roommates who despised each other. Neither wanted to move so they ended up being roommates the following year as well. Eventually, one pulled a sword on the other. Yup, they were that crazy.

[Ted Calver]

Curtis, I know times have changed in the 50 years since I last had a room mate. In the good old days, I could wrestle twice my weight in wildcats and still win....so faced with a room mate who obviously wants a single room at your expense and will stoop to no end to get it...I would hold an intense discussion about sharing while sitting on his chest with my hands around his throat. We would agree to share the room with no further provocation on his part and get along famously for the rest of the semester. Don't leave any bruises.

[Ron Conlon]

dead on. he has had enough roommates do a room change in the past that he actually handed me the papers before i even thought about it, and he has multiple copies so he doesnt have to go to the housing office to get more

That DOES change things. I'd see it as a challenge to get HIM to move out. Stop walking on eggshells for this PITA.

[John Pratt]

I think the whole point of your roomies posturing and getting on your nerves is to get you out so he can have the room to himself. I would have a sit down, come to an agreement and if he doesn't want to agree to be civil and realize that you have as much right to the room as he does, tell him he is free to find another room. Once he finds that you are willing to stand your ground and he is the one that will have to move, he may change his tune. I am not suggesting that you do this, but I might even go so far as to elevate the things that get on his nerves. I would also inform him that if he touches my possessions again, I will seek legal recourse. It is sometimes amazing how people will react once they run into someone who will stand up for themselves. It seems as though this individual has been pushing around people for a while and getting away with it; don't let him. Or then again, you could just ignore him and do what you want to do. You run into a lot of this in the military with different personalities.

[Harry Hagan]

I like Ted’s solution the best. We handled things differently back in the 70s.

Before sitting down with the RA I’d recommend you review the paperwork you signed upon moving into the dorm to see what rights you relinquished. In other words—make sure you know where you stand if the RA suggests you tolerate unreasonable behavior from your roommate while you’re waiting for a more compatible roomie.

Some good headphones would also alleviate conflicts about taste in music, HULU viewing habits, volume, etc.

[curtis rosche]

i like the recruiter idea........
as for a room to him self, Millersville is over"booked" i guess would be the word, for rooms. if i move out, they fill it within a week or two. normaly with someone else who couldnt stand their roommate.

[Brian Kent]

And you live in Paradise, PA?
Imagine how bad it would be if you were in Bittersville, Hellings Corner, or Lower Longswamp, PA.

(And imagine how long it took me to look through an Alphabetical Index of 10,652 Populated Places in Pennsylvania!)

[Charles Goodnight]

I think in this sort of situation it is important to think about what is important to you, and where you are willing to compromise, and where you want to stand your ground. Examples: Listening to a computer while your room mate is napping: A reasonable compromise is getting head phones. Not using the computer is not a reasonable compromise. Agreeing to keep your dirty clothes off the floor is a reasonable compromise, emptying your trash when it is half full is not (unless its half full of rotting food). Once you have figured out your limits stick to them.

Also, think about conflict management techniques. The usual language to say to yourself (it may sound dorky saying it out loud, but maybe not) is to say when you do/say XXXX I tell myself YYYYY and I feel ZZZZ. Example: When you turn up your stereo I tell myself "he is turning up his stereo in retaliation for me using the computer" and I feel angry. The point of the conflict management approach is to only attribute things you can observe to your "opponent". You cannot observe their thoughts or emotions, only their actions which YOU interpret. The other thing you can say is that "It is not ok with me when you do XXX". The funny thing about conflict management language is that it has a way of stopping people cold in their tracks. It immediately changes the entire conversation around so that suddenly they are in the position of having to explain to you why you should have interpreted their actions differently. It puts the issues out in the open, and makes life much easier. In fact, I might suggest at some point saying something to the effect of "when you do XXX I tell myself you are trying to get me to move out so you can have the dorm room to yourself, and this makes me sad and angry because I cannot afford to move out." My guess is that if you do that and he is not prepared for such an approach it will stop him cold in his tracks. If he is prepared he has only two verbal options: agree with you, or explain why you should interpret his actions differently. Of course there are non-verbal options, and to that end it might be a good idea to make that statement when there are other people around so you can file assault charges. . .

[curtis rosche]

And you live in Paradise, PA?
Imagine how bad it would be if you were in Bittersville, Hellings Corner, or Lower Longswamp, PA.

(And imagine how long it took me to look through an Alphabetical Index of 10,652 Populated Places in Pennsylvania!)

you have too much time on your hands..... its could be worse,, i could be from the next town over,,, Intercourse PA. lol. us country boys dont put up with the city folk so well after trying to drive behind them and all :P

[Matt Meiser]

Curtis, I know times have changed in the 50 years since I last had a room mate. In the good old days, I could wrestle twice my weight in wildcats and still win....so faced with a room mate who obviously wants a single room at your expense and will stoop to no end to get it...I would hold an intense discussion about sharing while sitting on his chest with my hands around his throat. We would agree to share the room with no further provocation on his part and get along famously for the rest of the semester. Don't leave any bruises.

Even back in my day (its now 20 years and a week or 2 since my freshman year started :eek: so I think I'm now obligated to say that) I think campus police would have called that technique "assault."

[curtis rosche]

Even back in my day (its now 20 years and a week or 2 since my freshman year started :eek: so I think I'm now obligated to say that) I think campus police would have called that technique "assault."
in my position, it would considered a hate crime too.

i think it will all work out. the GA found a room on the second floor that someone dropped out. i should be able to go there. i feel bad for the freshman who has to move into my room...

[Ted Calver]

Even back in my day (its now 20 years and a week or 2 since my freshman year started :eek: so I think I'm now obligated to say that) I think campus police would have called that technique "assault."
No witnesses, no bruises, never happened.

[Dan Hintz]

I think the whole point of your roomies posturing and getting on your nerves is to get you out so he can have the room to himself.
Absolutely... this is a surprisingly common tactic. Once you're out, they know the college is unlikely to place another roommate in there.

Also, don't rule out the possibility he has OCD (trashcan). If his place isn't spic and span, though, it's likely not OCD and him just being a pain.

[Rich Engelhardt]

Ok - I had to go back and edit out my earlier comments...

After thinking about it for a few hours,,,,I decided that no matter how tempting it may be,,,it's a bad idea to sink to the creeps level and retaliate.
(not to even mention how foolish it would be to ruin one's life w/a stupid felony conviciton if it came down to that)

I'm w/the others here that say get the proper authorities involved.
If they aren't willing to do anything, then bite the bullet and move.

Right or wrong, a bad choice of what battles to fight can and will haunt you forever.

[Marty Paulus]

Wow it has been over 20 years since I was in college. Now I am feeling old again! Anyway, the tone of the post, at first, made me side with the just move out and aviod the conflict group. However once you stated he kept the room transfer paperwork handy because he has had so many roommates I am now on the 'make him move' side of the coin. The voices in you head scheme should work wonders. Cheap gas station air fresheners on a fan blowing in his direction may also have an effect especially now that the weather is turning and the windows will be closed more. The advice about not leaving bruises is very good as well. I guess I am just the kind of person that can only be pushed so far before I start to return fire and this clown of a roommate that you have would be in my crosshairs at this point. Just stay calm while you do this and think of it as a challenge. Each time you get a rise out of him consider it a battle victory and you should be OK. Good luck.

[Rick Huelsbeck]

Recent experience has taught me if you do not bring the school or whoever is in charge of the dorm in on this now it is going to escalate. Do not hesitate to get the authorities involved now. You will not regret it. I'm having a similar issue with a neighbor and I really wish I would have just started out calling the police on the person the first day.

[Phil Thien]

Better to just move out. There is no knowing how far this jerk will take this. You don't want to find out.

[Curt Harms]

in my position, it would considered a hate crime too.

i think it will all work out. the GA found a room on the second floor that someone dropped out. i should be able to go there. i feel bad for the freshman who has to move into my room...

Oh boy. I hope you're able to celebrate moving day soon.

[Lee Schierer]

I lived with the roommate from heck for 3 years. We had to stay witin our own group and no one else would trade. Basically I went my way and he went his. He was anal about his stereo and I only used it when he0wasn't around. I did my studying at the library, which also improved my grades. He would come in the room and turn on the light and stereo without regard to whether I was sleeping or not. I complained he didin't take the hint so I returned the favor and then he was more considerate. As an only child he never had to consider that his actions in his room would affect others. Try the sit down with the RA and see if. Things settle down.

I survived and we rarely saw each other after graduation. I graduatedon time he didn't.

My current roommate and I have been living together for 41 years.

[Ted Calver]

I lived with the roommate from heck for 3 years. .... Basically I went my way and he went his. In the mid sixties I shared an uncomfortable hutch with an uncomfortable room mate. We were both strong headed Lieutenants and there was a war going on, so things got rough until we agreed to coexist and try not to bother the other. We parted with measured civility, glad to be rid of one another. 20 years later that same room mate performed a DRE on me as a Langley flight surgeon. After the exam I refreshed his memory and we each had a good chuckle. Never burn a bridge!! :)