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John Miliunas
12-20-2004, 10:10 PM
Got these from my best buddy and just had to share. I'm still drying the tears from my eyes!

They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church services:



Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget
your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the
deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.
is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." :D :cool:

Don Henthorn Smithville, TX
12-20-2004, 10:29 PM
I needed that good laugh, John.

Jerry Olexa
12-20-2004, 10:46 PM
John Very good . I have a good home for these. I particularly like the ones about the low self esteem group and the "I upped my pledge...." Thanks John

Jim Stastny
12-20-2004, 11:09 PM
Here's a personal one. When serving as an assitant pastor and filling the pulpit one Sunday the the bulletin read:

Today our Ass. Pastor Jim will bring the message.

Lou Morrissette
12-21-2004, 8:12 AM
Funny stuff, John. Keep em coming. I have't laughed that hard in a long time.

Lou

Matt Meiser
12-21-2004, 9:58 AM
Sunday our pastor announced that midnight Christmas mass this year will be at Midnight. Apparently they get at least one call every year asking and he wanted to save people the trouble of calling.

Jerry Olexa
12-21-2004, 1:10 PM
John We should get a copy of these for Jason Tuinstra in case he misses this.
They are very funny and esp great @ this time of year! Happy Holidays!

John Miliunas
12-21-2004, 1:27 PM
John We should get a copy of these for Jason Tuinstra in case he misses this.
They are very funny and esp great @ this time of year! Happy Holidays!

Good idea! :D I'll PM him the link to this thread! :) :cool:

Jason Tuinstra
12-21-2004, 2:06 PM
Hey John and Jerry, thanks for getting in touch with me. These are a riot! I'll have to forward this link to our secretary. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of it as well.

The funny thing about writing is that you can read something a hundred times and not see the problem. I don’t know how many times I’ve read verbs into a sentence that I forgot to supply for everyone else who’d be reading my article later on. I’m certainly thankful for editors.

I remember posting pictures of my "Birds Eye Carrier" on the old Pond and someone wrote, "Why do you want to carry bird's eyes?" Isn't language tricky?

Thanks for the laugh! Have a great Christmas!

Jason

Glenn Clabo
12-21-2004, 3:02 PM
Funny...our church announced that our midnight mass will be at 10PM!

Mike Tempel
12-21-2004, 4:08 PM
Absolutely hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

Bill Sampson
12-21-2004, 4:21 PM
This is no joke, actually happened in a church up north.
Mrs. Peabody, the church pianist was about to play a solo in the Sunday service. The music minister announced to the congregation that, "Mrs. Playbody will now pea on the piano." Mrs. Peabody, got upset, refused to play, and the congregation exploded in laughter. The pastor, when he realized he could not gain control, dismissed the service in prayer.
Bill Sampson, Richmond

Dennis Peacock
12-21-2004, 9:50 PM
Those are simply too funny!!!! :D

Arnie Grammon
12-23-2004, 5:15 AM
Great stuff! It's 2 in the morning and I'm laughing so hard I'm waking up the the family! It's your fault, John. :D

AG