Carpenter tools.... Pun contest

[Dave Ray]

CARPENTER TOOLS

Disaster was avoided when an unexpected thunderstorm hit Austin as the Pun-Off was beginning, and a cancellation of the event was prevented by the generous action of the Hilton Austin to donate their Grand Ballroom and over 200 happy punsters stayed for an exciting O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships on May 16, 2008, which started and ended 21⁄2 hours late. The Punniest of Show competition was the most competitive ever with a three way tie for first place as Kirk Miller, Erick Ott and Andy Belinsky each received a vote 0f 39 out of a possible 40. After a vote of the audience Kirk was awarded the gold, Andy the Silver, and Eirik the bronze awards.

Here is Kirk Miller's winning routine on instructions given to him by his father on how to be a carpenter:

CARPENTER TOOLS

My father urged me to be a simple carpenter because carpenters are just PLANE folks. He said that when the drill bit was invented, it was a real TURNING POINT.

He DRILLED it into me, but I thought it was BORING. I would rather TOOL around with my friends.

The UNVARNISHED truth is that I had a few SCREWS loose and was MALLET-justed. I had a drinking problem, and got PLASTERED on SCREWDRIVERS with my friend JACK HAMMER all the time.

One night my parents found me HAMMERED, and that didn't AUGUR well one BIT with them. I wanted to BOLT out of there. I made some disJOINTED remarks and shouted, "Just LATHE me alone!"

"Don't RAZOR voice at me!" said Dad. He became UNHINGED! He CLAMPED down on me, and finally I SAW that I couldn't suSTAIN that lifestyle.

Yes, I SOLDER light. I tried to SQUARE things with Dad, so I joined a SPLINTER group of Alcoholics Anonymous and WRENCHED myself away from booze.

My sponsor said that I was enDOWELed with talent, and if I JOINED my dad's business, that everything WOODWORK out. He CHISELED away at me until I decided to JOIST do it.

It was back to the old GRIND. It was a RIVETING experience as I BORE down and had to RATCHET up a notch. At first, I learned through TROWEL and error, but LADDER ON I finally NAILED the NUTS and BOLTS of the business.

So now I'm a LEVEL-headed man who is VISE president.

My father thinks that I am a real KNIFE guy -- in fact, a STUD. He is proud of me, and said, "When I DIE, son, this AWL will be yours."

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The 32nd O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships will be held at the O. Henry Museum on Brush Square in Austin, Texas, Saturday, May 21, 2010 starting at 11 A.M. Admission is free. For further information go to: http://www.punpunpun.com/
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[Mitchell Andrus]

My rechargeable batteries are revolting.

Not wood related, but at least they're LEVEL headed:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much PI.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. As it turned out, he was an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from a high school algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. The sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center stated: ‘Keep Off The Grass.’
15. A young boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was doing, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
21. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
22. Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects!
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