Dave Ray
05-06-2010, 4:45 PM
CARPENTER TOOLS
Disaster was avoided when an unexpected thunderstorm hit Austin as the Pun-Off was beginning, and a cancellation of the event was prevented by the generous action of the Hilton Austin to donate their Grand Ballroom and over 200 happy punsters stayed for an exciting O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships on May 16, 2008, which started and ended 21⁄2 hours late. The Punniest of Show competition was the most competitive ever with a three way tie for first place as Kirk Miller, Erick Ott and Andy Belinsky each received a vote 0f 39 out of a possible 40. After a vote of the audience Kirk was awarded the gold, Andy the Silver, and Eirik the bronze awards.
Here is Kirk Miller's winning routine on instructions given to him by his father on how to be a carpenter:
CARPENTER TOOLS
My father urged me to be a simple carpenter because carpenters are just PLANE folks. He said that when the drill bit was invented, it was a real TURNING POINT.
He DRILLED it into me, but I thought it was BORING. I would rather TOOL around with my friends.
The UNVARNISHED truth is that I had a few SCREWS loose and was MALLET-justed. I had a drinking problem, and got PLASTERED on SCREWDRIVERS with my friend JACK HAMMER all the time.
One night my parents found me HAMMERED, and that didn't AUGUR well one BIT with them. I wanted to BOLT out of there. I made some disJOINTED remarks and shouted, "Just LATHE me alone!"
"Don't RAZOR voice at me!" said Dad. He became UNHINGED! He CLAMPED down on me, and finally I SAW that I couldn't suSTAIN that lifestyle.
Yes, I SOLDER light. I tried to SQUARE things with Dad, so I joined a SPLINTER group of Alcoholics Anonymous and WRENCHED myself away from booze.
My sponsor said that I was enDOWELed with talent, and if I JOINED my dad's business, that everything WOODWORK out. He CHISELED away at me until I decided to JOIST do it.
It was back to the old GRIND. It was a RIVETING experience as I BORE down and had to RATCHET up a notch. At first, I learned through TROWEL and error, but LADDER ON I finally NAILED the NUTS and BOLTS of the business.
So now I'm a LEVEL-headed man who is VISE president.
My father thinks that I am a real KNIFE guy -- in fact, a STUD. He is proud of me, and said, "When I DIE, son, this AWL will be yours."
The 32nd O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships will be held at the O. Henry Museum on Brush Square in Austin, Texas, Saturday, May 21, 2010 starting at 11 A.M. Admission is free. For further information go to: http://www.punpunpun.com/
__________________________________________________ __________
Disaster was avoided when an unexpected thunderstorm hit Austin as the Pun-Off was beginning, and a cancellation of the event was prevented by the generous action of the Hilton Austin to donate their Grand Ballroom and over 200 happy punsters stayed for an exciting O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships on May 16, 2008, which started and ended 21⁄2 hours late. The Punniest of Show competition was the most competitive ever with a three way tie for first place as Kirk Miller, Erick Ott and Andy Belinsky each received a vote 0f 39 out of a possible 40. After a vote of the audience Kirk was awarded the gold, Andy the Silver, and Eirik the bronze awards.
Here is Kirk Miller's winning routine on instructions given to him by his father on how to be a carpenter:
CARPENTER TOOLS
My father urged me to be a simple carpenter because carpenters are just PLANE folks. He said that when the drill bit was invented, it was a real TURNING POINT.
He DRILLED it into me, but I thought it was BORING. I would rather TOOL around with my friends.
The UNVARNISHED truth is that I had a few SCREWS loose and was MALLET-justed. I had a drinking problem, and got PLASTERED on SCREWDRIVERS with my friend JACK HAMMER all the time.
One night my parents found me HAMMERED, and that didn't AUGUR well one BIT with them. I wanted to BOLT out of there. I made some disJOINTED remarks and shouted, "Just LATHE me alone!"
"Don't RAZOR voice at me!" said Dad. He became UNHINGED! He CLAMPED down on me, and finally I SAW that I couldn't suSTAIN that lifestyle.
Yes, I SOLDER light. I tried to SQUARE things with Dad, so I joined a SPLINTER group of Alcoholics Anonymous and WRENCHED myself away from booze.
My sponsor said that I was enDOWELed with talent, and if I JOINED my dad's business, that everything WOODWORK out. He CHISELED away at me until I decided to JOIST do it.
It was back to the old GRIND. It was a RIVETING experience as I BORE down and had to RATCHET up a notch. At first, I learned through TROWEL and error, but LADDER ON I finally NAILED the NUTS and BOLTS of the business.
So now I'm a LEVEL-headed man who is VISE president.
My father thinks that I am a real KNIFE guy -- in fact, a STUD. He is proud of me, and said, "When I DIE, son, this AWL will be yours."
The 32nd O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships will be held at the O. Henry Museum on Brush Square in Austin, Texas, Saturday, May 21, 2010 starting at 11 A.M. Admission is free. For further information go to: http://www.punpunpun.com/
__________________________________________________ __________