Heres your sign

[David Freed]

My daughter sent these to me in an e-mail

How do these people survive?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened..

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly..
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key andmanually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!


FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

[Rick Davidson]

I see these things all the time.

In fact earlier this week I was out of town for work and ordered a pizza to my hotel room. When it got there it was $13.97 and I handed him a 20 dollar bill he looked confused and then proceeded to use his fingers to count and figure out the change.

[Jon Knauft]

A couple of years ago my wife and I were out east visiting friends. They suggested we go to a local amish restaurant for lunch and then stop by the amish store next door afterwords. My wife and I bought quite a few items and proceeded to the checkout. Standing there was a boy probably about 10-11 to check out our items. We probably had 2 dozen items and after looking at each item once he told us our total was 48.27. He had totaled everything in his head and then calculated the tax as well. The items weren't easy whole number either. No scanner, calculator, etc. He gave me my change from the cash box and it was right the first time. No finger counting, nothing!

There is hope for the youth of today!:)

-Jon

[Jack Wilson]

I was once working at a lumber store behind the counter, I inadvertently short changed a customer, (really, it WAS a mistake). The customer pointed out my mistake and chagrined, I corrected his change and made a self effacing joke, I told him "like I always say, there are three kinds of people in this world, those that can count, and those who can't". He stared stone faced at me and asked me, "well which one am I?". I told him by the time he got home he'd figure it out.

[Montgomery Scott]

"When it got there it was $13.97 and I handed him a 20 dollar bill he looked confused and then proceeded to use his fingers to count and figure out the change." -- product of public education

"He had totaled everything in his head and then calculated the tax as well. The items weren't easy whole number either. No scanner, calculator, etc. He gave me my change from the cash box and it was right the first time. No finger counting, nothing!" -- product of private education

[Greg Cuetara]

Jon I hope you are right. I went to a local ice cream shop this summer and the total came to $11.25 so I gave her $21.25...hoping to just get a $10 back. She came back with the $1.25 and said she didn't need it and had made change from the $20...

[Gene Howe]

......and they vote!:confused:

[JohnT Fitzgerald]

"Heres your sign "

Which comedian did that skit?? A guy at work uses that line *all* the time ... let's just say the "people with the sign" don't always understand why he said it :)

[Scott Shepherd]

-- product of public education



Oh, I wouldn't be too hard on public education. Keep in mind the CEO's that are running all these companies in trouble, more often than not, have the best educations money can buy! :p

[Tony Joyce]

That would be - Jeff Engvall

[Dave Johnson29]

That would be - Jeff Engvall

Er, actually Bill Engvall

[James Ogle]

Here is one from work back in the summer. Guy is building a deck and wants to know how deep to put the footings. We told him that 18" to 24" should be fine. He complained that was too deep. We assured him it was right. He complained again. We stated then that 2' is optimum but a foot and half would work. "Well I will dig two feet but not 18 inches", was his reply. Never did find out how that deck turned out.

Another from years ago. I was installing fireplaces and their surrounds in North Carolina. I was out at the truck trimming a return and a young man walks up. He asked if we were hiring. I said sure if you don't mind working and aren't afraid of heights.

He asked what the job entailed. I told him "Measuring, leveling and fitting the units and their trim. It was easy to learn if you could read a tape measure and hammer a nail." He asked "How do you do that?" "Do what?" "Read a tape," he said. Never mind about that job.

[David Epperson]

That would be - Jeff Engvall
Or was it BILL Foxworthy? LOL.

[Mitchell Andrus]

-- product of public education -- product of private education

It takes no education at all to be good at basic math. It does however take an advanced college degree to screw up the world's economy.

They seem to work hard at keeping the smart ones out as they let the educated ones in.
.

[Mitchell Andrus]

My dad once had a guy in his shop who couldn't figure out how to mark cartons for shipment... one of four, two of four, three of four....etc.

1/4, 2/4, 3/4, 4/4 was too much for him.
.

[Tony Joyce]

What's worse is I Googled it to be sure I didn't misspell his name.

[Dave Johnson29]

What's worse is I Googled it to be sure I didn't misspell his name.

:) Probably before your first cup of coffee, eh??

[keith ouellette]

those sound a lot like the woman who locked her keys out of her car.

But I think thats just an urban legend

[Steve knight]

and your better? you are posting these like you think they are true. sorry but you better wash the gullible sign off your forehead:D
now I have a story have you heard about this guy he got these silly stories from he daughter in a email and he believed them. can you believe it? :D

[paul cottingham]

No word of a lie, I had a client who called me and complained that the coffee cup holder ha snapped off in the computer I built for him. Needless to say I had no idea what he was talking about. Of course, it turned out to be his cdrom drive.

I also had a student who was totally upset because "his computer wasn't working" he had been pummeling it for at least ten minutes when I showed up. Of course, it turned out that....it was off. He was a programmer, of course.

I had another student who thought turning the monitor on and off rebooted a computer. Another programmer.

Seriously, all true stories.

[paul cottingham]

When he first got a calculator, my dad used to check everything with pencil and paper, cause he didn't trust it. he was pretty fast too.

[Gene Howe]

Along the lines of the the OP, here's the Darwin Awards – 2009

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach California , would-be robber James Elliott did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2.. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. ‘Understandably’, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer….. $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID to which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family…..unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember….. They walk among us!!!**

[Bill Cunningham]

How many folks are still out there looking for the "anykey" :D

And now without any great fanfare
The 2009 Darwin Awards! (http://www.darwinawards.com/)

[Guy Mathews]

How about the fellow that goes to the lumber yard and ask the clerk for some 2 by 4's. The clerk asks, "How long do you want them?"
The fellow looks at the clerk dumbfounded and says, "For a real long time, I'm building a house!" :D

[Bill Cunningham]

How about the fellow that goes to the lumber yard and ask the clerk for some 2 by 4's. The clerk asks, "How long do you want them?"
The fellow looks at the clerk dumbfounded and says, "For a real long time, I'm building a house!" :D

We used to rent horses like that.. They would say how long do you need it, and we would reply "The longest you got, there are five of us going"

[Jon Lanier]

That first one about half dozen or 6 nuggets.....

I told that for the beginning of a sermon one day. A family in the church went to a Chick-fil-a, and decided to try it out. Yep, it worked the cashier had now clue. They were laughing so hard when the called me about it. ... as it was happening.

[Michael Gibbons]

This one is not for the squemish!! I was talking to one of my former bosses and he said that he was previously a police officer. So he goes on to tell me that one evening that they get a call from a lady in an apartment complex. The lady goes on and says that the baby next door has been crying almost all day. They knock on the door and the baby's mother answers and they question her about the baby. They come to find out that the heat was either broken or turned off and the baby was cold so she put it in the MICROWAVE to warm it. The baby didn't make it. He was on the brink of shooting her on the spot. She was found NOT GUILTY!! There was no harm intended was the ruling. Too bad there isn't a crystal ball that could tell the future so we could stop the undesirables from reproducing...somehow.

[paul cottingham]

How many folks are still out there looking for the "anykey" :D

And now without any great fanfare
The 2009 Darwin Awards! (http://www.darwinawards.com/)

The irony is that I once had a 20 minute long argument with a client who was p/o ed cause the keyboard i sold him didn't have an "any key". I wound up telling him it was a tech term for the spacebar.

I aint't lying.

[Scott T Smith]

About twenty years ago my cousin from Texas and I drove out to Phoenix, Arizona to attend a family wedding. While there, we went to a mexican food restaraunt downtown for a family meal.

We ended up with a waitress from New Jersey, who had recently started in the restaraunt. My cousin is a bit of a flirt, and recognized her accent as he also had cousins in NJ, and they struck up a conversation about NJ.

Later on, when he ordered his meal, he asked for some jalapeno peppers on the side (pronounced hal-a-pinos). The waitress responded that they did not have anything like that. My cousin thought for a second, cocked his head a little sideways, and asked her if they had any jalapenos (pronounced ja-lap-a-nose). She said "oh yes, we have those; I'll bring you some with your order".

It was all that I could do not to bust a gut laughing at the table!

[Belinda Barfield]

Sort of a "sign" story . . .

I once worked with a woman who should have been named Barbie. I swear she looked just like a Barbie doll, straight down to the precious roots of her hair. She was stunning but was the last person in the room to get a joke. One day she was late returning to the office from her lunch break. This wasn't that unusual as she frequently got lost. We started to worry when an hour had passed and she still wasn't back. Just as I picked up the phone to call her she walked through the door. When asked why she was so late she said, "Well, you know how when the traffic light turns green you step on the gas and go?". We all nodded and she said, "The lady driving the car in front of me didn't." Apparently my co-worker was completely oblivious to the fact that there was a car in front of her at the light. :eek:

My personal favorite is the at least 27 people who have said to me over the past three weeks . . . "Did you cut your hair?" Well, considering that it was midway down my back and is now about 2 inches long I would say with some certainty that yes, something along those lines happened!:D The smarty in me wants to say, "No . . . OMG what happened to my hair?"

[Brian J Page]

When I was a Lance Corporal (E-3 for those not familiar with Marine Corps ranks) I enjoyed doing things that would bring to light the lack of intelligence of certain individuals. My usual targets were Corporals (E-4's) that easily got promoted because they were in an MOS that didn't require much intelligence. My favorite was when I went to the tool room one day and asked the Corporal for a 4/8" wrench, told him the Gunny (E-7, Gunnery Sergeant) needed it in a hurry. He looked and couldn't find it, so he proceeded to take every wrench out of the drawers and lay them out in order. Once he had them all laid out he said "I don't know where it could be...I have a 1/8, a 3/16, 1/4, 5/16, 3/8, 7/16, 1/2, 9/16, and 5/8 but no 4/8" I just shook my head and walked away.

[mike holden]

Hey Bill,
I *HAVE* an "ANYKEY" on my dvd remote!

http://www.sawmillcreek.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=114038&d=1238068766

Mike

[Bill Cunningham]

Hey Bill,
I *HAVE* an "ANYKEY" on my dvd remote!

http://www.sawmillcreek.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=114038&d=1238068766

Mike

Is that used to keep it from flashing 12:00...12:00...12:00...12:00:D

[Tom Veatch]

... My favorite was when I went to the tool room one day and asked the Corporal for a 4/8" wrench, told him the Gunny (E-7, Gunnery Sergeant) needed it in a hurry. He looked and couldn't find it, so he proceeded to take every wrench out of the drawers and lay them out in order. Once he had them all laid out he said "I don't know where it could be...I have a 1/8, a 3/16, 1/4, 5/16, 3/8, 7/16, 1/2, 9/16, and 5/8 but no 4/8" I just shook my head and walked away.

Let's see now. If I asked you for a 2 inch by 6 inch by 8 foot board, would you bring back an 8' 2x6 or a 8' by 6" by 8/4 piece? The point being that sometimes, the format of the numbers have meaning other than their numerical values. That young corporal could very well have been busting his butt to get you what you needed thinking that there was something special about a "4/8" wrench that was different from the old run-of-the-mill half inch.

I ran across folks like that. You know the kind I mean. Those more interested is showing up someone else than in accomplishing the mission. I always made it a part of my job to get rid of them. Hopefully to someplace where they wouldn't get good Marines killed.

[Brian J Page]

Let's see now. If I asked you for a 2 inch by 6 inch by 8 foot board, would you bring back an 8' 2x6 or a 8' by 6" by 8/4 piece? The point being that sometimes, the format of the numbers have meaning other than their numerical values. That young corporal could very well have been busting his butt to get you what you needed thinking that there was something special about a "4/8" wrench that was different from the old run-of-the-mill half inch.

I ran across folks like that. You know the kind I mean. Those more interested is showing up someone else than in accomplishing the mission. I always made it a part of my job to get rid of them. Hopefully to someplace where they wouldn't get good Marines killed.

I see where you are coming from. At the time I was a bitter LCpl that enjoyed putting a spotlight on people (especially Cpl's) that weren't the brightest bulbs in the circuit.