PDA

View Full Version : .. when I nod my head you hit it...



Mitchell Andrus
01-09-2010, 9:54 AM
I'll hold the nail. When I nod my head you hit it with the hammer.

Maybe from a 3 Stooges episode. I'm not sure what that's called (other than a poorly worded instruction).

Do you know any really dumb things that make you think, then laugh?
.

Roger Newby
01-09-2010, 10:17 AM
Actually that was Laurel and Hardy:D

One of my favorites is giving directions, "when you come to a fork in the road...take it." Could've been Yogi Berra

Chris S Anderson
01-09-2010, 10:27 AM
It was a beautiful fall morning, and I wanted to get a head start on Christmas presents, so I went down into my shop wearing sandals. They were right by the front door, and I like to wear them instead of heavy boots. It was 8am and I was a little upset that my neighbors complained about the late sawing the previous week. I am only allowed to run power tools from 8am-4pm. I decided that I would start sawing at 8am, since this is the allowable time to do so. I didn't want to listen to the noise myself, and instead of putting on ear protection, I put on my i-Pod and started to miter cut some bloodwood.

I had a 6foot plank on my miter saw which was on my workbench. When I put the plank on the miter saw, I wasn't paying attention to my headphone cord, which was now wrapped behind the plank. After sawing off a 1 foot section for a cutting board, I grabbed the piece and turned to put in on a different table. The headphone cord went with me, and so did the rest of the 5 foot bloodwood plank. It landed directly on my big toe.

For 45 minutes I stood in one spot sweating and waiting for the pain to go away. It did not. My wife and child came down an hour later on their way to the park, and my wife told me to make sure I cleaned the garage today instead of just standing around :confused:.

Fast forward 2 weeks. My big toe was crushed and the knuckle was busted. It was taped to another toe for 2 weeks and was a solid purple with a few black highlights. One week later, the nail came off. After one month, I was finally able to stop wearing sandals everywhere.

Mitchell Andrus
01-09-2010, 10:53 AM
That's a good one.

Gene Howe
01-09-2010, 11:20 AM
Wow, Chris. That makes me think....but not laugh. OUCH!

Probably not one of the more stupid things I've done but the one that still brings a smile when I think of it.
Ordered a 1/4" band saw blade from Suffolk. When it came I tried to install it and saw that the teeth were backward. Took me 15 minutes to figure it out. Almost called Suffolk to complain. I laugh to think what their replies might have been.:D

Brian Brown
01-09-2010, 11:24 AM
One day when I came home from work, my wife was just finishing the dishes. She had just washed and dried the pots and pans, and stacked them on top of the stove, prior to putting them in the drawer under the stove. She figured my timely arrival would save her having to bend down to put them away (she should know better by now). She said : Honey, would you put the pots and pans down", and I just couldn't stop myself. I turned to the pots and pans and yelled "you're ugly you're stupid, and you'll never amount to anything". A few seconds later she got it. Then a few seconds later I got it! Man that marble rolling pin is hard!


Do you know any really dumb things that make you think, then laugh? .
She thinks more carefully about what she asks for, and I think more carefully about how I respond. Don't know about the laughing. :D

Jim Koepke
01-09-2010, 11:42 AM
Actually that was Laurel and Hardy:D

One of my favorites is giving directions, "when you come to a fork in the road...take it." Could've been Yogi Berra

The back story on this is Yogi lived on a loop. So either way you would end up getting to his house.

My situation is similar to that only on the way to my house, there are two "when you come to a fork in the road take it" situations and a person is still able to get here.



... I had a 6foot plank on my miter saw which was on my workbench. When I put the plank on the miter saw, I wasn't paying attention to my headphone cord, which was now wrapped behind the plank. After sawing off a 1 foot section for a cutting board, I grabbed the piece and turned to put in on a different table. The headphone cord went with me, and so did the rest of the 5 foot bloodwood plank. It landed directly on my big toe.


There is a reason for me having almost no shoes other than steel toed shoes. Even if this were not the case, going into the shop without proper foot wear is a no no.

There are little plastic things available, usually free, for stowing iPod cords to prevent these kinds of accidents. If one wanted to make their own of wood or other material, it would be easy.

Simple would be a couple of those flat plastic pieces used on plastic produce bags and bread bags. Two of those held apart on a dowel with the cord going through one then wound around the dowel and finally going through the other gets rid of the slack cord that catches on everything.

Avoiding injury is everyone's responsibility.

jim

Mitchell Andrus
01-09-2010, 12:16 PM
My wife was reading an article and asked me what a "chahoo-a hoo-a" was.

20+ years later we still chide each other with this one.

She had never seen the word 'chihuahua' in print before.
.

mike holden
01-09-2010, 12:29 PM
I grew up in a Pharmacy. Once there was a little kid that had obviously just learned to read, he was reading all the labels out loud: "Preparation H for hemmorhoids - I dont know what a Hem - or - Hoid is!"

Had us all laughing.

Mike

Glenn Vaughn
01-09-2010, 12:41 PM
I used to be on City Council in my town. One meeting we were trying to schedule something for the Planning commission (which met on the third tuesday of the month). One of the Council members pulled out his calendar, studied it and said "The third Tuesday in November is Friday the 19th."

When he left council he was presented a plaque with the quote.

Bob Borzelleri
01-09-2010, 2:40 PM
Do you know any really dumb things that make you think, then laugh?
.

Other than my brother-in-law? :rolleyes:

Ken Fitzgerald
01-09-2010, 3:02 PM
For 45 minutes I stood in one spot sweating and waiting for the pain to go away. It did not. My wife and child came down an hour later on their way to the park, and my wife told me to make sure I cleaned the garage today instead of just standing around :confused:.

Fast forward 2 weeks. My big toe was crushed and the knuckle was busted. It was taped to another toe for 2 weeks and was a solid purple with a few black highlights. One week later, the nail came off. After one month, I was finally able to stop wearing sandals everywhere.

Chris....did you mean sweating or swearing?:rolleyes:

Chris S Anderson
01-09-2010, 3:11 PM
Chris....did you mean sweating or swearing?:rolleyes:

I don't swear much. I was sweating, though. Cold, wet, and clenching my teeth in pain and praying to God to end it soon.

Ken Fitzgerald
01-09-2010, 3:46 PM
Chris,

I was working for a neighbor who was a general contractor. He'd bought a house and we were doing a major remodel. Laying new underlayment on the kitchen floor, we were both on our hands and knees driving a nail every 6 inches to hold the plywood down.

I had gotten into a rhythm using a 27 oz framing hammer.....tap...tap...nail driven. Of course between the two taps you had to remember to remove your thumb and forefinger from the nail. Then I forgot to do that and hit my thumb...splitting it down the skin side and instant blood under the nail. Of course it's bleeding and it's filthy.....into my mouth......muttering "Oh that hurts..or some distorted version there of."

keith ouellette
01-09-2010, 7:39 PM
Actually that was Laurel and Hardy:D

One of my favorites is giving directions, "when you come to a fork in the road...take it." Could've been Yogi Berra

I saw Johnny Carson do a bit about a fork in the road a number of times.

keith ouellette
01-09-2010, 7:52 PM
I was none by a few friends for having a problem that one friend called
'mouth dyslexia'. I had a bad habit of saying the opposite of what I meant.

some classics I can remember are

"it doesn't get very cold up in the mountains"
"solar panels won't work well unless its always cloudy"
"never cut wood with a sharp blade"
"The car wouldn't start because there was gas in the carburetor"
"Turn the lights on! your wasting electricity"

I'm sure there are plenty others if I thought hard enough. When said with a serious expression it makes me sound twice as smart as I actually am:)

By the way i also have what I call mechanical dyslexia. Thats where if something can be put together backwards thats the way i do it even if I know better. Makes life difficult

Jim Rimmer
01-09-2010, 9:14 PM
I was none by a few friends for having a problem that one friend called
'mouth dyslexia'. I had a bad habit of saying the opposite of what I meant.

some classics I can remember are

"it doesn't get very cold up in the mountains"
"solar panels won't work well unless its always cloudy"
"never cut wood with a sharp blade"
"The car wouldn't start because there was gas in the carburetor"
"Turn the lights on! your wasting electricity"

I'm sure there are plenty others if I thought hard enough. When said with a serious expression it makes me sound twice as smart as I actually am:)

By the way i also have what I call mechanical dyslexia. Thats where if something can be put together backwards thats the way i do it even if I know better. Makes life difficult
The LOML has a similar issue in that she tends to mix sayings such as "He drinks like a skunk" or "He's as drunk as fish". One night she was scolding the kids and told them "You are dancing on the door now!". I couldn't help myself and started laughing and so did the kids. Fortunately she has a good sense of humor and joined in with us. We were never sure what she was trying to say, maybe "dancing with the devil" or "trouble is knocking on the door?"

Jim Rimmer
01-09-2010, 9:15 PM
Mitchell, I love the misplaced modifiers:

I saw a man riding a horse with a wooden leg.

Mark Maleski
01-09-2010, 9:32 PM
At my company we do annual performance reviews, and the first step is for the person being assessed to write a self-assessment. I was reviewing one of my guys' self-assessment "Motivations and Frustrations" entry, and found he had written: "I am mentally challenged by my job." I laughed for a bit, then suggested he changed it to "I enjoy the challenge" before I completed the assessment. I remind him of this every chance I get (he's actually a bright, motivated guy - and a retired Army Ranger so I don't want to tick him off).

Mitchell Andrus
01-09-2010, 10:23 PM
A classic you just jogged to the front of my mind...

Groucho: I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
.

Mitchell Andrus
01-09-2010, 10:30 PM
For sale: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with a round bottom for efficient beating.

Jim Rimmer
01-10-2010, 8:50 PM
For sale: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with a round bottom for efficient beating.
Mitchell, this one REALLY did have me LOL

Matt Schuman
01-12-2010, 4:15 PM
One of my friends tends to mix common sayings up. 15+ years ago, he and I took a road-trip with several other friends. I was driving, my friend was navigating. Within a few hours he had coined 2 new sayings that are still mentioned today..."If I've told you once, I've told you before"...and "Sorry, guys, I made the wrong mistake"...

Mitchell Andrus
01-12-2010, 7:02 PM
Misunderestimated and strategery still get used in our house.
.

Gene Howe
01-12-2010, 8:27 PM
Heard on the radio.

I once worked with an employee that wasn't too fond of the business owner's frequent habit of leaving Post-It Notes all over her desk. One day she was fed up and in a fit of anger said, "I'm sick and tired of these stucking ficky notes all over the place!"

Mike Circo
01-13-2010, 9:32 AM
The classic is directions given by an older gent in a small town.

"Yep, just head west on route 20 and make a left at the last stop sign."

*** Pause to think it over ***

How far would you go before you realized you passed the "last" stop sign.

:)

Belinda Barfield
01-13-2010, 9:52 AM
A local attorney tells this story. I don't know if it is true or not, but I think it's too funny not to be true.

A gentleman was driving down a country road when a mule ran out in front of his vehicle. He couldn't stop in time, and the road was so narrow he had nowhere to go, so he hit the mule. When questioned by the investigating officer the farm hand reported that the mule belonged to his employer. Months pass by and the case finally ends up in court. The farmer has had a talk with the farm hand about liability issues, etc., and suggested that maybe that wasn't his mule after all. On the witness stand the farm hand was asked, "Did the mule that crossed the road belong to your employer?". He replied, "No sir, that wasn't our mule." When questioned about his initial statement to the investigating officer the farm hand replied, "Well sir, I recollected on it and I do believe I misrecognized that mule."

I still misrecognize folks from time to time.:D

Jim Rimmer
01-13-2010, 1:20 PM
Mitchell:

I heard one on the radio this morning that I thought you would enjoy. I don't remember the topic but the commentator referred to the "mail storm". Given the context I'm pretty sure he meant maelstrom. This same guy consistently pronounces Italy without the "a'; Itly.

Jason Roehl
01-13-2010, 4:25 PM
My favorite was a sign at the combination mom-n-pop restaurant and filling station at the intersection of (I think) S.R. 28 and U.S. 31 in Indiana:

"Eat Here and Get Gas"

I first saw it almost 20 years ago, and it still cracks me up when I think about it. I don't know if it's still there, though.

Jim Rimmer
01-13-2010, 5:22 PM
My favorite was a sign at the combination mom-n-pop restaurant and filling station at the intersection of (I think) S.R. 28 and U.S. 31 in Indiana:

"Eat Here and Get Gas"

I first saw it almost 20 years ago, and it still cracks me up when I think about it. I don't know if it's still there, though.
My Uncle lived in a small town in Oklahoma. On the edge of town was a greasy spoon with a sign that said:

Okey Dokey Cafe
Good Food
Fresh Bait
Income Tax Service

Talk about your one stop shop! Kinda like the country song "Beer, bait and ammo"

Bill Cunningham
01-14-2010, 11:36 PM
The Pen is mightier than the sword!

Remove a space, and add a comma to change the statement and aggravate a feminist...

Jim Rimmer
01-15-2010, 2:21 PM
The Pen is mightier than the sword!

Remove a space, and add a comma to change the statement and aggravate a feminist...
It took a little thinking....and then LOL