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View Full Version : Clocks, Boxes and Poopoo Bombardiers



Michael Stafford
09-26-2004, 1:03 PM
Somewhat true, a little embellished. Hope you enjoy.

Saturday started as a day filled with great promise. Mild temperatures, low humidity, and gentle breezes were in the forecast. The wife was going to be gone for the day, leaving me eight hours of uninterrupted shop time. There was leftover brisket in the fridge for a sandwich.
I started my morning with a nice online chat with our very own woodsmith and guru, Ken Salisbury. If you haven’t seen his website, you must. Nice work, Ken.
I went out to the shop to finish some desk clocks that were, as the old commercial said, 99 and 44/100 % done. I rubbed out the last coat of finish with a Scotch-brite pad, wiped the clocks down, and applied the finish coat. Brushed it on, wiped it off. Set the clocks on the rack to dry.
I cleaned my brush and disposed of the rags. Then I decided to get out some pen blanks. Ken and I had chatted about pens so turning pens seemed to be a pleasant way to spend the afternoon.
Shortly after noon I heard the call of the brisket in the fridge. Time for lunch. I went in, made a sandwich, bread slathered with mustard, thin slices of brisket, a pickle and a cold glass of tea. Life is good.
Finished eating and cleaned up my mess. Didn’t want any trouble with the “missus” on her return.
I headed back to the shop. Immediately I noticed something was wrong—my shop door was ajar.
As I stepped across the threshold, my eye was immediately drawn to a huge splat of purple pokeberry poop on the gleaming cast iron wing of my table saw. Next, to my left, another streak of purple ten inches long streamed down the side of my band saw and ended in another splat of purple pokeberry poop on the table.
Purple pokeberry poop! For those of you not acquainted with this, I will explain. Around here we are scourged with a vile weed known as “Pokeweed.” Pokeweed grows on purple-tinged green stalks and has purple veined leaves. This plant grows to 3, 4, 5 feet or more and is a somewhat fleshy plant that, when cut, exudes a sticky, milky sap that according to legend is poisonous or capable of causing maladies ranging from dementia to necrophilia. Legend has it…
Anyway, pokeweeds produce stalks of berries that are at first green, then turn a bright purple when ripe.
There are species of birds immune to pokeberry toxins that go to special flight schools to become poopoo bombardiers. These birds learn to eat the purple pokeberries and then deposit the aftermath on windshields, patio furniture, window screens, and white vinyl siding. Particularly skilled birds, no doubt “aces” of their profession, are able to deposit their splats of putrid purple poop directly in the center of the upper glass panel of your front storm door fifteen minutes before dinner guests arrive.
So now you see what I’m talking about.
Back to the shop…I hear a noise and see a frantic, diarrhetic mockingbird trying to find his way out of my shop. Diarrhetic? You ask… how does he know. That will become apparent later.
I finally chased the bird out of the shop. Let me tell you something. I wanted to kill that bird. I know it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird. Saw the movie, read the book, liked them both. But what this bird did to my shop deserves punishment by barbecue spit.
There were splats of purple poop on my lathe bed, on the white pegboard, streaming down my squares, marking gauges, and awls, on my workbench, and on my router table. Two fluorescent fixtures dripped steaming purple pokeberry poop. I cleaned up at least ten splats.
You know how you find something in the last place you look. Well, I found something in the last place I looked. That vile poopoo bombardier dropped a splat of purple pokeberry poop so large that a yak, a gnu, or even a moo cow would be proud to call it his own, directly onto two of the clocks I was making.
These clocks are like boxes with lift off lids so you can hide something inside. Purple pokeberry poop right down into the box, Luke Skywalker could not have done it any better.
I’ve been subscribing to woodworking magazines and home improvement journals most of my adult life. I always read the “Reader’s Hints” and “Expert Advice” sections. Would you believe that I’ve never seen any hints or advice about how you get purple pokeberry poop out of partially dry oil/varnish? Not once can I recall Bob Flexner or Norm Abram or any other expert addressing that issue.
I receive dozens of tool catalogs. In none of them have I ever seen any specialty tools that will facilitate removal of purple pokeberry poop. Are there special nook and cranny chisels or scrapers for removing purple pokeberry poop from inside little desk clock/boxes? Does Festool make something to remove purple pokeberry poop? I think not!
:rolleyes: So, my friends, I seek your advice on this problem. How do you remove a mixture of oil/varnish and purple pokeberry poop?
My advice to you…Secure the door to your shop to keep out unwanted guests, particularly poopoo bombardiers!

Greg Heppeard
09-26-2004, 6:48 PM
Pix....we need pix of the ppp violated clocks... :eek:

Really tho...I would wait until it dried and scrape off the excess...then lightly sand until the remainder was removed. More coats of finish will be required.

Sorry your beautiful day turned so crappy toward the end. :rolleyes: