Dave Bureau
10-12-2009, 3:38 PM
>
> DRILL PRESS :
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
> stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
> your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
> you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL :
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
> workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-
> earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
> "Oh, sh * t!"
>
> SKILL SAW :
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS :
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER :
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
> jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW :
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ...
> It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
> more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS :
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
> nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
> welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
> shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
> out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW :
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
> installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
> the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW :
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
> the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
> forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
> can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
> slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
>
> PRY BAR :
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER :
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER :
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
> kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
> object
> we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object
> that
> you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on
> effectively
> eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks.
> See: sob TOOL
>
> UTILITY KNIFE :
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
> delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
> as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
> useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
> Sob TOOL :
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
> yelling, "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need.
> DRILL PRESS :
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
> stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
> your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
> you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL :
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
> workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-
> earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
> "Oh, sh * t!"
>
> SKILL SAW :
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS :
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER :
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
> jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW :
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ...
> It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
> more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS :
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
> nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
> welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
> shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
> out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW :
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
> installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
> the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW :
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
> the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
> forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
> can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
> slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
>
> PRY BAR :
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER :
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER :
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
> kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
> object
> we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object
> that
> you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on
> effectively
> eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks.
> See: sob TOOL
>
> UTILITY KNIFE :
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
> delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
> as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
> useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
> Sob TOOL :
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
> yelling, "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need.