View Full Version : Tools explained (funny definitions)

Bob Rufener
02-28-2009, 10:17 AM
TOOLS EXPLAINED (I received this from my brother and found it quite humorous and, in many cases, very truthful) Enjoy! :);):D

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock or pieces of wood out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the

freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner

where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints

and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation

of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall and abdominal integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops

to cut expensive wood into smaller pieces that more easily fit

into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of

the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength

of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under

lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil

on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used

to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and

butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in


Son of a bitch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the

Garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most

often, the next tool that you will need.